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AIB awful? Finding it hard to help very ill mother.

4 replies

birdybirdbird · 23/10/2016 21:58

There's a long back story here but will try and be brief.
My mum has a long history of being bipolar and an alcoholic. She was a single parent and I'm an only child so, as you can imagine, my childhood was pretty awful. Thankfully my grandparents lived nearby and they often came to the rescue. By the time I was 14 I lived with them pretty much full time but was a bit of a mess and it's taken me a long time to get over it all.

Fast forward to now and my mum is 3 years sober after a rehab stint. She very nearly drank herself to death and I'm not really sure how she survived to be honest. She also seems to be suffering from dementia, probably caused by her drinking, but no formal diagnosis. It's relatively advanced - finances in a total mess, can't remember what she did 30 minutes ago, endless conversations about the same thing.

Anyway, onto the AIBU bit. I'm just really struggling to care about her. Does that me awful?? I'm currently staying at her house (which is bringing back horrible anxiety I haven't felt since I was a teenager) and tomorrow we have dr, psych and bank appointments. She's in frequent floods of tears about it all and I just can't help but think 'this is your fault, you've done it to yourself'. I know she couldn't help being mentally ill and that alcoholism is a disease, but she was so awful when I was a kid but now I have to help her?!
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this and can offer any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

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PurpleWithRed · 23/10/2016 22:04

Nothing to offer but my sympathy. you are doing a very good thing in looking after her, and I hope you and she can get the support you need.

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ImperialBlether · 23/10/2016 22:10

I think you need to go back to your own home as soon as you can and tell her medical team that you cannot be a carer for her. I know it sounds tough but you have to look after yourself. You can make sure that she has help, but the help doesn't have to come from you.

for you - it must have been a really tough childhood.

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ButIbeingpoor · 23/10/2016 22:11

You are between a rock and a hard place.
My advice: do what is best for you.
( I looked after my elderly Mum for 6 and a half years. They were the hardest and most unhappy years of my life. I wish I had made different choices. It has ruined my life)
Do what is best for you. Not your Mum. You.

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birdybirdbird · 23/10/2016 22:16

Thank you for the flowers and kind words.
Thankfully I'm not in the position of being a carer as I live 5 hours away! The problem is that there is no one else - all other family are either dead or live abroad. So I'm stuck between wanting her to be ok and cared for (I do love her, I just find it hard to like her I guess) but equally I find dealing with her up close so horrendous. It's not helped my fact that social services won't do anything as she's only 58 and they won't step in til she's 60 apparently!