Abusive partner

[laura801]

Hi all I am new to mumsnet but would really appreciate your thoughts on my situation.

I have no biological children but have been with my partner for 2 years and he has 3 lovely children, who I am very close to.

Generally speaking, my partner and I have a great relationship but unfortunately, he has a problem with alcohol and when he has had too much to drink, he tends to take his emotional problems out on me. He will shout, swear, slam doors etc and tell me he is "sick of me giving him sh*", sick of me "going on" and tells me to "f*k off" and that sort of thing. When he is sober, he is horrified at the things he has said. He says he knows that I don't give him problems and that in fact I help him out a lot with childcare while he works and emotional support, so doesn't know why he says those things.

I have told him that although I love him and the kids, I can't tolerate his drunken behaviour anymore. He keeps promising to get his drinking under control but nothing changes.

I'm so confused and just don't know what to do because when he is sober, he is the most lovely person and I don't want to lose our relationship. I also don't want to lose my relationship with the kids.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Laura

[Violetskies123]

Personally, if it were me i would leave him instantly. You don't deserve to be treated that way. If you really want to stay with him he must get counselling or go to rehab. If he was really sorry about it he wouldn't continue to do it. If he keeps on, you must leave him because things will only get worse.

[Queenoftheblues]

He needs counselling. It really helped me when my drinking got out of hand. If he won't do it then you need to end the relationship.

[moomoome]

you need to instigate a crisis so that he seeks help to change. A it is you are enabling him to keep drinking. that crisis does not have to be as severe as leaving him for good with no contact ever. but you should also think about seeking proffessional help as well so you can work out what you should do to not enable him.

[laura801]

Thank you all for your helpful replies. They have confirmed what I probably already knew, that I need to put my foot down and leave if he doesn't get help and make serious efforts to get better.

I hadn't even thought of my own behaviour enabling the drinking but now that it has been pointed out, I can definitely see that.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your input.

Laura

[sameshitdifferenthour]

Please.... take it from someone who is in a similar situation but with children and debt trapping me in....Leave!!!
If you leave a he shows that he has changed then great but you don't deserve that and he has a problem only HE can sort. He is meant to be your partner not your responsibility.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not just a question of merely putting your foot down here. Counselling as well will not cut it if he is not willing to seek help.

Al-anon for you though would be helpful so I would urge you to contact them.

You've already lost this relationship because his primary relationship is with alcohol; infact the relationship never existed. He is simply using you as his crutch and an excuse to further drink. His relationship is not with you and its not with his children either and they are being emotionally harmed by seeing their alcohol dependent dad as well. You are profoundly affected by this man's alcoholism.

Unless he himself wants to properly admit his problems with alcohol there is nothing that anyone can do here. He has to want to help his own self.

You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and as such are acting out the usual roles here; namely those of codependent, provoker (because you never forget) and enabler. You are also enabling him and that neither helps him or you. You are probably codependent in relationships and that is also unhealthy for you. Alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand.

Ultimately your only real course of action here is to leave. I am sorry re his children but you cannot stay because or for them either. Where is their mother?.