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prenup without the nuptials

(81 Posts)
cakestop2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:29:57

I'm guessing a lot of people are going to tell me to run along and get married right away, but that isn't what I want to do.

Basically, partner and I met 8 years ago and bought a house together after 12 months. His parents gave him 40,000 to put down as a deposit, mine gave us nothing as they're poor. We had an agreement drawn up that if we were ever to separate then the first 40,000 would go to him.
We are now about to move house again and have 2 children, we both don't like the idea of marriage for various reasons (yes, I know it makes me vulerbale) I still work although now part-time since having DCS.

We are in the process of drawing up the mortgage for the new house and partner has mentioned that same "agreement" that he keeps the first 40,000. I was surprised since now we have children to consider and surely he would want us both to be able to create a stable home environment each should we separate. So assumed any remaining money would now be split.

Anyway, I just mentioned it to him. He told me he too feels uncomfortable about the "agreement" but that apparently it's his parents who have requested that 'their money' is kept 'safe in the family.'

I'm shocked by this after having 2 children with their son... surely they would want us all to be financially ok should we ever split?

Or is this quite a normal thing to do? We are not likely to split any time soon btw. It just makes me worry a little as to how I would cope financially if we ever did.

What do others think?

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 08:35:40

I would do the same as him, only instead of protecting £40K I'd have protected £40K as a percentage of equity and given house price growth in most areas, be owed far more than £40K now.

WingsofNylon Sun 23-Oct-16 08:36:10

Well it depends on whether the money was a gift to him or a loan they expected to get back. If a gift then your do is a grown man you can decide to do with it whatever he thinks is best fo his family. If a loan then I understand why parents would still want the agreement.

I'd be hurt and worried in your position. Do you think his parents are trying to corner you into marriage?

KP86 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:38:44

Give them back their £40K and tell them to get lost.

You have children now, that's far more important.

lastnightiwenttomanderley Sun 23-Oct-16 08:41:03

Have his parents mentioned it recently? Or only at the point of the initial house purchase?

I can see how they'd want to protect it in the basis of a 12 month relationship but this is a bit more developed than that now. I'd agree that there's no longer a need for the deed of trust, particularly if you've gone part time so have arguably made financial sacrifices for the family.

cakestop2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 08:44:35

That was my thought... ok to.protect the money at the beginning, but not so much now there's children involved.

The money was a gift not a loan.

123bananas Sun 23-Oct-16 08:44:52

I have done similar to your DH with the inheritance I used as a deposit. He is the SAHP. Difference being we are married and I have put that portion in trust for our children.

It is incredibly selfish of him and his parents to take that line given that you have children together. Maybe he could do similar with the 40k and protect for the children then 50/50 split any equity from the old property. That way it keeps it in the family line, even though YOU are his family hmm

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 08:50:11

Imagine it if you're a parent though.
Even as a gift, if I gave my child £40K, and even if they then went on to have children with their partner... imagine that partner went on to have an affair or treat my child badly - damn right I'd want that money protected.

Honestly the time to think about this was before deciding to have children and before deciding to reduce your earning potential as a result.

Specialapplek Sun 23-Oct-16 08:51:53

Why not return the £40k to his parents and then go 50/50 on the new house? That's surely a better and cleaner arrangement all around.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Sun 23-Oct-16 08:53:03

"Give them back their £40K and tell them to get lost."

Good idea!

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 08:53:43

And you say you worry about how you'd cope financially if you split? Then make that part of your work and family finance decisions now. For example, are his higher earnings funding equalising contributions into both your pensions? I bet not.
You're thinking of this £40K because it's an obvious one off large sum of money - but if he's got the higher paying job, the future career potential, and the better pension, that £40K is nothing compared to everything else you're giving up.

Specialapplek Sun 23-Oct-16 08:55:27

FWIW if my parents gave me money towards a house they would expect that money to be ringfenced as mine in case of a split from DH. As a parent yourself can you not understand why they would do so? (Even if you might not agree)

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 08:55:30

And whilst I agree with his parents and him protecting the £40K, I think that's a great idea from PP - factor it out, give it back.
Even without the bonus of removing the complication, surely it's good to be able to say "thanks for the leg up, but we're proud to stand on our own feet now".

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 08:59:48

Another angle...
just because he legally gets that £40K, or his parents do, doesn't stop him in the event of the split saying "we'll equal it out anyway - I need my children housed well for both of us".

Are you going to tell me that you wouldn't trust him to do that?

If so - why have you put yourself in this position? And I don't mean not being married - there are other agreements you could draw up, decisions (like pension contributions) you could make.

knaffedoff Sun 23-Oct-16 09:02:28

This would set alarm bells off for me. I am not sure of your circumstances, but if I had children, reducing my career to part-time, this would now settle very uncomfortable with me. If the relationship fails, will he expect the£40k returned immediately? Would you be able to retain the family home to maintain the children's stability?

Dh was not a fan of marriage, but recognizing the vulnerability it placed me in, he made a compromise and I suspect your dh needs to consider what compromises he can make.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:02:31

How do you know his parents actually said that? Perhaps he lied as he wants the old agreement to remain

Only1scoop Sun 23-Oct-16 09:09:56

I wouldn't want their 'gift' hanging over my home tbh. I think all this is fine when you are younger but you have two DC now. I take it your on the mortgage and title deeds?
Have you thought of having a co habitation agreement drawn up? doesn't sound very flowery but neither is the prospect of ever splitting, horrid to think of I know but far more difficult when not married....I've been in almost exactly the same position as you.

Aderyn2016 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:12:33

I'd give the 40k back to his parents.
You are deliberately putting yourself in a vulnerable position by working pt and not marrying. You would be mad to not take this chance to even things up a bit and have equal stakes in your new home.

I see why his parents think as they do. They are prob thinking that your relationship is not fully committed because you are not legally committed. I have to say that on their shoes I'd want that 40k protected too. Which is why you should return it and build a more equitable arrangement with your dp ( where he also contributes to your pension while you raise your joint dc )

Wonkydonkey44 Sun 23-Oct-16 09:12:41

I agree with him to be honest , doesn't mean he doesn't love you etc etc but just that life happens and he may need that money if you split up .
I have £125k cash stake in my home and you can bet the bottom dollar I expect to get it back if anything was to happen.

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 09:17:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cabrinha Sun 23-Oct-16 09:19:35

In fact, if I were him I would think that you bringing this up now was a precursor to you ending it - getting your ducks in a row. I might resist not to keep the cash, but in an attempt to keep you.
He may be thinking - if I agree to this, she will use it to leave me.

MrsBertBibby Sun 23-Oct-16 09:25:28

His parents gave the money to him. It's up to him, not them.

Unless, of course, he's using them as an excuse...

Only1scoop Sun 23-Oct-16 09:28:48

Mrs Bert may have a point

Trifleorbust Sun 23-Oct-16 09:30:06

This is a tricky one, because you are (essentially) wanting the financial security of a marriage without being willing to commit to one. You have reduced your own earnings as if you have that financial security, when you don't. I think all you can do is explain to your partner why this makes you feel insecure, and if he isn't willing to agree to overturn the deed of trust, either suck it up or go back to work full time to make sure you would be able to support yourself in the event of a split.

Oysterbabe Sun 23-Oct-16 09:34:41

What are the various reasons for not liking the idea of marriage?

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