Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need advice and reassurance

(30 Posts)
Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 00:43:53

Ive been married for a year and a half and its been the worse experience of my life. Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years. I got pregnant before marriage and have since had 2 babies. A yr apart. As soon as married life began n i moved in with my husband, he has treated me like an outsider. He stopped caring for me. Chose to socialise, do drugs, drink, flirt with girls instead of looking after me. Left me panicking a few times. Also has hit me while pregnant n holding my eldest. The last incident he was arrested n i moved to my mums. I nèeded support n he was never there 4 me. I became depressed. Ive even taken pills 2 end the pain. I regretted it as soon as i did it. I went 2 my mums seeking help bcz my husband had told me 2 die. He didnt care 4 me or our kids. Hes wished them dead bcz he didnt want 2 look at me anymore n then decided he didnt mean it. We r seperated at the moment but for some reason ive allowed him 2 convince me mre than twice in the past few months that we could work through it. But i cant let go of the past yr and a half being married to him. Hes put me through so much the previous 8 yrs dnt even matter to me anymore. Im struggling to let go even though im angry at him alll the time. I know i dont want this relationship anymore. But for some reason my head tells me somethings else. N i let him back in only to hurt me again. Its effects my kids too when my eldest stays with him on the weekends he comes back upset and had sleepless nights waking up crying the night that he comes back to me. I hate it but my husband doesnt understand anything. He accuses me of using the kids against him when he always brings them up in the arguements. When we do argue about them its when we cnt agree on their wellbeing. I feel defeated n worn down. Its starting to effect my ability to look after my kids. I cry alot and im angry at him n his family for thinking no damage has been caused. N for assuming about me and my family. I need some kind of advice. Has anyone else been in this situation or similar?

centreyourself Sat 22-Oct-16 00:48:19

asaroe if he wished your kids dead, even if he decidedly he didn't mean it afterwards, I really think you have to get away from him.
How supportive is your mother?
Where are you living now?
Have you contacted Women's Aid. He is damaging you and your children.

Gracey1231 Sat 22-Oct-16 00:48:52

I couldn't read this and not talk to you.

You deserve so much better than this arsehole man boy. I can only hope you find the inner strength to walk away hunny. He is emotionally abusing you and your kids.

Always here if you need a chat. hugs x

centreyourself Sat 22-Oct-16 00:53:06

At this time of night you may not get that many people posting, but mumsnet us fantastic in situations like yours.
Well done for getting as far as joining and getting your story down on paper, as it were.
I will try to remember to bump your post in the morning.
You will find a great deal of support on here. I've seen mumsnet encourage women who were prisoners in their own home with nothing at all, get out and start a new life.
Keep posting. More posters will be here to help during the day tomorrow.

Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 00:56:17

My mother is very supportive. Im living with her now. He doesnt come here anymore because the last time he did i got so angry i was shaking. I threw him out and told him not to come here again. It is my mums house not mine. Im only here temporarily until i find my own place. I have contacted womens aid. And my gp has referred me to counselling.

Thank you Gracey1231. Im trying my best to be strong. I have bad days but Ive got alot of support. X

Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 00:58:20

Thank you. Much appreciated. 🙂

MrsBertBibby Sat 22-Oct-16 08:53:28

What an awful man. Well done for getting away, you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.

Talk to WA about the Freedom programme.

Ollycat Sat 22-Oct-16 08:58:05

Hugs it sounds awful and you and your children deserve much much more.

You need to stay away from him and, if he is taking drugs etc think whether it's safe for your kids to be alone with him? Maybe get some legal advice?

It is defeat aging when people turn out to not be the person you thought they were - focus on yourself and children. xx

Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 14:20:49

Hes stopped the drugs but he still gives me stress about the kids. Doesnt stick to his agreement. Says he will do things when he doesnt. Theres been a big issue in regards to maintenance. Its doing my head in. Ive been arguing with him the past two hours about his responsibilities. Everyone tells me you knew what he was like before you got married. Yes thats true but I also believed him when he said he was going to quit when I was pregnant and again when our 1st was born. I was just to silly and scared to walk away. Now its a struggle everyday just to not let him get to me anymore.

MrsBertBibby Sat 22-Oct-16 17:29:28

Arguing for 2 hours? Face to face, or texting? That sounds exhausting.

I think you need to stop trying to get him to do stuff, I suspect he enjoys the rows and drama, and that gives him a motive to be useless.

If you expect nothing from him, he ceases to be able to disappoint.

luckylucky24 Sat 22-Oct-16 18:07:55

Well done for getting away from him. It sounds like everyone would benefit from no contact for a couple of weeks whilst you cool down. Including your children if visiting him is upsetting them.

NotTheFordType Sat 22-Oct-16 18:49:42

I agree with lucky. If there is no contact order in place then stop contact. You will not be in legal trouble for this. Do you feel if you made it difficult to get contact that he would just give up, or you think he would be arsey just to spite you?

NotTheFordType Sat 22-Oct-16 18:50:25

Meant to add... I would never advocate stopping contact just because you were having troubles with him, but it sounds like your DC are actively being harmed from seeing him.

Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 22:46:47

The kids are definately been used as a weapon. If i stopped him having contact he threatens to tell social n call the police on me. Hes done it already once after he upset me n i got worried after he walked off with our eldest. They told me if i wanted to stop contact i would need to go 2 a solicitor to get a letter written up. Otherwise i could get into trouble. But as well as that, his family also say things because they think they r not allowed. They dont even come out their own homes 2 see the kids. They wait for the kids 2 b bought to them every weekend. If they r not they blame me n say im not letting them see them. Even after ive said plenty of times they r more than welcome to come visit. My husband has made them all think that im the one in the wrong and they dont even tell him that hes been wrong for doing what hes doing and treating me bad. Other than his mum who tells him but he never listens to her. He talks nasty to her also when he doesnt like what shes saying.

MrsBertBibby Sat 22-Oct-16 23:27:14

Are there any court orders in place setting out contact?

Asaroe91 Sat 22-Oct-16 23:49:06

No. I did say i was going to get one out but then we made an agreement between ourselves. Again silly of me for believing he would stick to it. Today has resulted in his mum speaking as he is completely ignoring me now n being childish. I want to get a contact order but i cannot be bothered for the arguement and the stress thats comes along with it. Im already fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. I dont want to leave my kids but its really difficult for me right now to be mentally stable.

Thanks to all of you who have commented and given advice. I appreciate it.

MrsBertBibby Sun 23-Oct-16 00:02:04

Sweetie, a contact order won't make him more reliable, it will just give him something to threaten you with. I'm a family solicitor, trust me, I know.

He's an arsehole. Withdraw, thank your sta rs he's ignoring you, concentrate on being the best mum you can to your lovely children, let your mum help you, and be kind to yourself, you poor love.

Asaroe91 Sun 23-Oct-16 00:20:29

Thats why I havent bothered. Thank you for the advice. My mum has been most helpful. I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her. ☺

moreslackthanslick Sun 23-Oct-16 00:22:33

Please get away from this man xx

nicenewdusters Sun 23-Oct-16 01:00:22

The past is the past OP. Don't torture yourself with thoughts of why you did and didn't do things. Don't waste your time trying to work out why he's like he is, or if he'll change - he won't. Draw a line, mentally.

This man is not your friend. He does not have your best interests at heart, nor that of your children. You will not be able to reason with him, there is no better nature for you to appeal to.

Your only priority is yourself and your children. Forget his family, at least for now. They have no legal right to see your children, and you have no obligation towards them. You said yourself your ex is nasty to his own mother, so they know what he's like, even if they perhaps don't admit it.

He has a history of drugs, drinking, being unfaithful. He's been physically abusive towards you, including whilst you were holding your baby. He's wished both you and your children dead. Didn't mean it, my arse - oh so that's ok then? He's clearly a nasty, dangerous man, with whom you need to break all contact.

You have a place to live, a supportive mum, two children, and a future to look forward to. Block his number, take yourself off FB and any other such social media. Tell his mum, briefly and factually, that you will not be in touch for a while as her son is harrassing you, the children are distressed, and you need to step away.

The final thing I would advise is do not enter in to any dialogue or communications with him. He's ignoring you - good. What good will come of any contact? He's an appalling husband and by the sound of it an equally bad father. He's already known to the police. If he comes around again, and makes threats/demands to see you/the children just phone them again. He'll threaten all sorts, but if you ignore him he'll soon get bored and move on to someone else. And no, he won't be able to take the children away.

Once he's out of your life you'll start to see things very differently.

Asaroe91 Sun 23-Oct-16 12:54:26

Thanks thats really helpful but the police have already told me once Im not allowed to stop him from seeing the kids unless Ive got it in writing. And if he comes to take them out I cant stop him. If im not here and my mum or brother have the kids they are not allowed to deny him as much as me. What do I do then? He doesnt see what hes doing to us. When Im upset it doesnt effect the kids as much as when he is.

nicenewdusters Sun 23-Oct-16 23:38:39

Have you taken any legal advice? Most firms of solicitors offer a first free half hour of advice. Outline your situation to them, including most importantly his violence towards you. They can advise you as regards his access/contact with the dc as things stand at the moment.

Contact with the dc needs to be as regular and routine as possible. You need to build a life without him, so you don't need him popping round when he feels like it, changing his mind at the last minute etc. Also, it would be good if you had as little contact with him as possible. If she's at home and happy to do it, your mum can hand the children over to him when he comes round.

You don't have to communicate with him about anything other than his contact with the dc. Keep it all brief, factual, don't get drawn into arguments. Make it clear the relationship is over, and that you are only in contact because of the dc.

MrsBertBibby Sun 23-Oct-16 23:50:45

The police are talking bollocks. No one but the Courts can force you to allow contact. Please, get in to see a solicitor.

Asaroe91 Mon 24-Oct-16 23:22:46

Our youngest is only 8 weeks old. He only has our eldest on weekends. Its like him and his mum and dad blackmail me when it comes to the kids. But Im the type of person to not be evil and selfish. If they wont come to us to see the kids then il make sure they atleast get to see them wherever they r. I dont know why im so nice to everyone all the time. Even those who give me grief.

Il use the advice about the solicitor. Thank you. My brain just needs some reassurance that me saying no for the benefits of the kids will not in any way implicate me if he takes anything further. Even if it is temporary.

My mum left my dad when I was young. Thankfully I dont remember any of it bcz my dad was abusive to my mum aswell. He didnt stay in contact with me and my brother at all. I think because I know what it feels like to grow up without a dad I dont want my kids to feel like something is missing like I did. But then all of that feeling went when I made contact with my dad. Its not exactly what I imagined but it settled all the questions I had.

nicenewdusters Tue 25-Oct-16 00:52:28

OP. Your dh has certain rights and responsibilities. But so do you. You have the right not to be physically assaulted by him. Not to feel blackmailed by him and his family. You have the right to child maintenance. First and foremost you have the right to decide who you have a relationship with, and what behaviour you are prepared to accept.

He has an appalling history; drink, drugs, violence, cheating. You are responsible for keeping your children safe. He's been arrested for his violence towards you. You will not be criticised for protecting your children from this man.

I'm sure he'll make all sorts of threats if he can't have his way. It's all about control. Do you really think he wants the children 24/7, or even 50/50? Of course he doesn't. He's not going to do night feeds, housework, shopping, arrange childcare, sacrifice his social life and womanising for 2 babies. No, it'll be occasional contact when it suits him. Probably at his parent's house 'cause then he doesn't have to do any real parenting. Couple of pictures on FB, "Look at me with my kids".

Disengage as much as possible. Take that legal advice so you know where you stand, knowledge is power. I bet he hasn't got a clue.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now