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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Practical Tips For Managing a Player

245 replies

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:03

Please don't tell me not to. I've decided it's what I want and I'd like to try.

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy. We get on well, he makes me laugh and we have a lot in common.

I've fallen for him badly but not told him. He has been honest with me and said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and enjoys being "single". Yes safe sex before you ask. It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

What can I do to win him round?

[I know all the advice about "when a men tells you who he is believe him" etc so I'm not looking for "don't waste your time" advice. I know it's a risky business and probably not likely to succeed.]

But I would like to try as he is special to me. I would propose to set a deadline on this as a project so I don't waste years.

Anyone got any suggestions? Or know any play the field types that settled down? What made the difference?

OP posts:

Report

Wolfiefan · 21/10/2016 23:03

Ditch!

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 23:04

Oh dear

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:05

Please be gentle.

OP posts:

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:05

What can I do to win him round?

Nothing. Literally. You can't do a thing to win him over as he has already said he doesnt want a relationship with you.

I had this recently and didnt contact him again. Even though i really wnat to see him.

The last word for me was to go silent. Remember, there is dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

Wolfiefan · 21/10/2016 23:07

He is special to you?
But he's made it totally clear you aren't special to him.
Accept the no strings attached shagging or move on.

GazingAtStars · 21/10/2016 23:07

He's already been very honest with you about what he wants. Have a conversation with him, admit how you're feeling and see what he says rather than trying to work on him as a secret project

whattheseithakasmean · 21/10/2016 23:08

Just remember, Rupert cheated on Taggie in the latest Jilly Cooper - if saintly, grey eyed, cloud of hair Taggie couldn't do it, you are doomed!

YouHadMeAtCake · 21/10/2016 23:08

You can't post this and ask people not to say don't bother . When someone tell you who they are, listen to them carefully.Of course he enjoys being single, he then gets sex from whoever is daft enough to sleep with him with no strings attached.

You're setting yourself up for heartbreak but then you already know that.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 21/10/2016 23:09

There is absolutely nothing you can do to "win him round". He is going to screw you over if you try.

Just get out now and find someone less cockwombling.

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2016 23:10

The only way is to dump him and see if he's interested enough to come back. And then see whether you're interested enough in him by then.

Saltfish · 21/10/2016 23:10

You're sabotaging yourself. Why?

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:12

You're also approaching this from a very passive aggressive point of view. Doing it by stealth and seeing if you can covertly change his mind.

In a way like trying to catch a wild animal. Setting traps and stalking.

Just tell him straight up this casual isnt for me and I want a real relationship or that's it.

He says no ok. If he doenst you have what you want.

If you go on fucking him him he'll never take you as a gf.

If you are available in his mind as and when then he isn't pressed to take matters further, just maintain the status quo which is convenient for him.

Cutting him off in actual fact is the best chance you have.

annandale · 21/10/2016 23:13

'How can I cut my arms so that it hurts less?'

'How can I make the most of my dishwasher without using any detergent or water?'

'I have £5 a year to spend on clothes. Which designers do you recommend as I really enjoy high fashion?'

If you really want a shit life, you are going the right way about it.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 21/10/2016 23:14

This is completely pointless exercise. But apparently you don't want to hear the blindingly obvious.

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:20

Have a conversation with him, admit how you're feeling and see what he says rather than trying to work on him as a secret project
. . . .

Just tell him straight up this casual isnt for me and I want a real relationship or that's it.

I know what he will say. It's the same as if I tell how I feel - I think he would run from the emotional side of me. I'm much too scared to tell him. At least as it is now, I get to see a man I am in love with. If I tell him he'd run a mile (I'd bet) and if I said I want a real relationship I think he'd run from that too.

I know it sounds foolish but it's taken me such a long time to get over past stuff and start to date at all, meeting someone I am attracted to am able to be sleeping with who I care for is a massive huge big ginormous deal to me.

I don't think cutting him off is the answer as then I would lose the contact I have with him.

OP posts:

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:21

Sorry if you all think I am a waste of space.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/10/2016 23:21

After a long time being single, being very scared to date for all kinds of reasons, I have started seeing a man who makes me very happy ... He has said he is not interested in an exclusive relationship.

You do realise that you are attracted to him BECAUSE he's not interested in a relationship? Trying to date him actually allows you to remain single.

It has been a big step for me to get to this stage.

You've stayed exactly where you were before. Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" - it's all about commitmentphobia. Sounds like you have it.

You don't honestly want him to fall for you - you'd run a mile! But if you THINK you do want to "tame" him, I'd say you'd have to do The Rules on him. But shagging him so early on has probably destroyed the chase, so I'd say you've already blown (probably literally) your chances.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/10/2016 23:22

Does Rupert really cheat on Taggie???? Noooooooo! Oh that's ruined my night. Bastard.

dangerrabbit · 21/10/2016 23:23

You are going to hurt yourself more in the long run.

CreativelyChallenging · 21/10/2016 23:26

But shagging him so early on has probably destroyed the chase, so I'd say you've already blown (probably literally) your chances.

Oh. That has made me sad. I didn't just jump into bed with him. It was actually 6 months before we slept together. I'm now wondering whether it was the chase that made him interested in me at all.

OP posts:

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:26

I know what he will say. It's the same as if I tell how I feel - I think he would run from the emotional side of me.

Then you already know he doesn't want you and the prospect of losing contact with you doesn't bother him.

I don't think cutting him off is the answer as then I would lose the contact I have with him.

What would you be losing though? Losing being a temporary fuck doll to.someone who doenst want you.

It will hurt you far more when HE decides he doesnt want even to have sex with you anymore. He will end it eventually when he gets someone he wants. Be 100% clear about that.

Finola1step · 21/10/2016 23:27

M dsis has been in a very similar relationship...for nearly 5 years. I don't need to say anymore.

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QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 23:28

I think having sex early is a red herring. It doesn't matter when you do it. If they are not interested they are not interested. Making them wait wont make someone who is luke warm any hotter because once they have it they will still give up.

Tartyflette · 21/10/2016 23:30

I think you should keep it all very cool. And keep a little distance too if you can.
It might make him a bit keener (just might) but if not at least you won't have invested too much in this sort-of relationship,

user1476869312 · 21/10/2016 23:30

What you are planning to do is unfair and unethical as well as a complete waste of time. He has been honest with you. He does not owe you a relationship. He has every right to have lots of different sexual partners and reject commitment.
If you tell him that you 'love' him and he walks away, that's fair enough: both of you have been upfront about what you want. If you pretend that you are OK being 'just casual dating' when you want commitment, you are going to end up making his life hell with jealous scenes and whining and refusing to let go, which is really unfair when he never offered you more than casual sex.

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