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Just want some outsider perspective - ready to walk out on DH

(4 Posts)
specificus Fri 21-Oct-16 22:46:47

Hi wise mums

This is going to be a rant, but I need some outsider perspective. I haven't really talked to anyone about it in such detail, and hopefully being anonymous online will allow me to spill all of it!!

I'm so ready to get my almost 6 year old son and walk out on DH, but of course I want to check if I'm not over-reacting (I don't think I am, but he has - I think! - narcisistic personality and over the years I started doubting myself all the time!)

Would you try to save the relationship if:

- DH works all the time but doesn't make money - if anything it seems the more he works (his business) the more debt we are in!
- won't listen to advise or try to change; we discussed the situation several times, talked about budgeting, time management, putting his family first, and changing things including him staying home and me going full time; he'll agree but within a week will be back to his own ways
- doesn't spend more than 6 hours a week with his son (if that!! he says he cares about him but it doesn't show, he'll only do something if I tell him, like go to the playground with DS, take him there, etc); I do everything - while also trying to run my business! he always seems more interested in solving everyone else's problems but not his family's
- doesn't seem to care about his house. he's a builder and we live in a bloody dump! his tools are everywhere, the bathroom has been half-finished for 3 months now (no tiles, no sink, no shower!), same goes for a porch that's been there unfinished for the last 3 years!
- but yet if I leave the dishes unwashed at the end of the day he throws a tantrum (yesterday he literally was breaking dishes and throwing food on the floor - luckily DS was asleep at the time)
- promises to quit drinking, or at least see a specialist to start with, but never does anything about it (this is a major issue of course, and a lot of the above is the result of it). He even lost his driving license over drink driving, and it didn't seem to teach him anything!

Oh and he actually stole money from me! Twice! My mum gifted me a good amount, in cash, and I was saving it, and he just went ahead and took it - apparently to pay some of his debts.

I'm a really forgiving person and I was ready to let go of all of it, but all the recent events show me he doesn't even understand it was so not on to do that! I think I'm still trying to see the man I was in love with 10 years ago but he is probably gone for good at this point, right? I feel I live in such toxic environment right now, and it can't be good for DS either (good job he's usually asleep by the time daddy gets home)

After yesterday's tantrum I was ready to leave there and then but thought it was unfair to DS to do so without a plan, and drag him into the night. Today DH got home drunk again, so I'm ready to make a move tomorrow when he goes to work, I'll stay in a hotel for a few days (and sell this as an adventure to my son) and then figure out something. But at the same time, the house we live in was bought in big part on MY parent's money (they put down the deposit for us) so why should I go anywhere, especially considering I'm the primary caregiver and all of my son's life is around here? But I don't think DH will leave out of is own free will.

I raised the question of separating several times, but he doesn't take it seriously.
So I feel like the only way for me to show him I mean it is to leave and go somewhere else. My family is in another country so it's not as easy and running to my mum (who knows we have troubles but not the full extent of them) and also I'm petrified he'll do something stupid once he realises I'm gone.

The bottom line is - I AM doing the right thing, right?

Daysleeper1985 Fri 21-Oct-16 22:59:44

My father was just like your husband, frighteningly similar except for the drinking (he managed to be a tyrant whilst sober).

I wish my mum had taken me away from him at age 6. Please realise how much damage your son is actually aware of, far more than you think, I imagine.

As a survivor: please leave him, you are doing the right thing x

Mamaka Fri 21-Oct-16 23:03:51

Absolutely. Well done for knowing what the right thing is and making a plan. Would you want your ds to act like your dh is when he is an adult? Separating is a good step towards ensuring he won't.

specificus Fri 21-Oct-16 23:09:42

Oh I absolutely don't want DS to turn out like his dad! That's one of the reasons, too.

When I was little my dad drank. When I was 10, I also asked my mum (when she was sobbing at night) to divorce. She didn't. Now she says at the time it was the right choice, and that despite the drinking (dad did go into therapy and was completely sober for over 10 years) he always helped when the times got tough, always earned and always contributed to the family.

Which is not our situation at all.

I would have left long time ago, if it wasn't for DH's unique ability to be really nice and act like nothing had happened the next day. By the morning I usually start doubting why was I so cross with him, and by the evening I'm ready to leave again.

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