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Partner making scary situations worse?

(6 Posts)
Fireside90 Fri 21-Oct-16 17:39:27

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this?

My boyfriend used to make situations which were scary for me harder for me to deal with. Small things would be if some creep comes up to me on the street then my boyfriend will start having a friendly conversation the guy. The reason I find this makes the situation worse is because I just want to walk away and get away but it makes it more awkard to do so and confusing for me if my boyfriend is now having a friendly chat with the guy. This has happened a couple of times. One time the guy was stroking my arm. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said that is how he deals with conflict and he thinks it will make the situation better by calming things down or something. My reaction would just be to get away. It's that big a deal but it makes me uncomfortable and as I get anxiety when things like that happen anyway and sometimes end up freezing (which makes it go on longer) instead of fleeing it makes it harder for me to re-adjust my brain even more to take care of myself when the person I'm with is using completely different tactics. I'm not really looking for advice so much as just wondering if anyone else has experienced this as it seems quite an unusual little thing? So I'm interested.

Then also my boyfriend also reacted to me actually being traumatised by not caring and making it worse for me. Basically we were living in a shared flat a couple of years ago together with any random stranger who moved in as it was run by some dodgy agency to we didn't get to choose who moved in. So basically this really creepy guy moved in who no one liked. He used to shout every time he spoke and ordered people to do things sometimes just to prove he 'could make anyone do anything he wanted' and no other reason. So anyway I've since realised that I wast triggered by trauma which happened when I was a child as this man reminded me of an old man who had sexually abused me when I was a child. I didn't actually realise this at the time as the thing that happened when I child I thought hadn't affected me. And the situation with the creepy man and the scummy flat was horrible and scary anyway. I've since been diagnosed with PTSD which was triggered at this time. So although I didn't know the connection to my past or a diagnosis I knew how I felt and my boyfriend was well aware of this. My described how traumatised I was etc. And basically my boyfriend didn't care. I had nowhere else to go other than on the streets and was frantically looking to move out in all my free time. My boyfriend said he wanted to move but wouldn't help look. I arranged viewings for just me and for both of us and he'd get drunk and missed one for both of us. He also blamed me for the way I felt saying I was too weak. He'd also make random excuses why he didn't want to look in certain areas even though they were really nice like he'd say the last viewing the girl was stuck up to us and didn't choose us so he doesn't want to live in that entire area of the city anymore. Things like that. I eventually moved out of course but that whole time was honestly so stressful for me I don't know how survived as the trauma kept going on for longer than if he had helped me. I was terrified of the creepy man and my boyfriend knew this. He eventually moved out too but took him longer.

The thing is I have tried to put all this behind me. But I'm still not sure how to feel about it. As ever since then I've been so anxious and scared around my boyfriend thinking that something will happen again which will traumatise, scare me or put me in danger and if my boyfriend is there then he'll make it worse. So I feel hyper vigilant around him. We broke up before but got back together and I promised I would be less anxious and trust him. So I've learnt to ignore my anxiety so as not to treat him badly or bother him and just be happy and so he doesn't leave me. And the thing is he didn't even do anything wrong as he didn't do anything to actively hurt me. He was just living his life how he wanted. So I feel bad for feeling that way that I have been.

Has anyone else experienced this? Anything from small things to PTSD. Where your partner doesn't do anything wrong but because you are with them it makes it harder for you?

I know we are all seperate people and he can do what he wants obviously. So then I think I must have been overeacting. Also it's not that I expected him to actively stand up for me. Just that I couldn't help feeling that he would actually make things worse for me even that was by just not caring or doing anything to help me escape when he wanted to move out anyway. I guess in that situation he felt like I was rushing him.

Was I being unreasonable for feeling this way? It's like my feelings of fear, anxiety and mistrust (and sometimes partial blame) around my boyfriend are at odds with what happened? Or are they? I can't find any information on any similar experience so would be really interested to hear any.

BigFatTent Fri 21-Oct-16 17:51:41

Why are you with this man? He isn't any good for you at all. From what you've said, he sounds abusive.

I haven't experienced the same anxiety issues as you but I have had a relationship where my ex completely ignored my wishes and reacted negatively to my emotions and I'm glad to be free of it. That isn't how loving partners act. You shouldn't be promising to be less anxious and managing your behaviour out of fear of him ending it. He should be understanding and caring. What is good about him?

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 21-Oct-16 18:00:30

What are you getting out of this relationship? This man sounds scary. He sounds like the type who will eventually pressure you into doing things sexually with other men. Is that where you want your life to go?

BusStopBetty Fri 21-Oct-16 18:16:55

He sounds like a prize prick. It's not you, it's very, very definitely him.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 21-Oct-16 18:23:01

Sweetheart, be kind to yourself. He certainly isn't. Why do you want to be with him? Nothing you've written says he's a good, kind, caring or supportive partner. You deserve better. You don't need to step on eggshells around this man - you're the one who has been through hell. Look after yourself first. That may involve leaving him.

pallasathena Fri 21-Oct-16 18:25:46

You need to do The Freedom Programme urgently. You need to see a GP and get some medication for your anxiety and some counselling for PTSD again, urgently.
Secondly, you are in a very dangerous situation with your boyfriend. He is manipulative and this is escalating and becoming life threatening.
Get out. You can access Womens Aid and get some practical advice and help to move forwards but you have to be proactive.

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