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Husband going on holiday when baby will be 6/8 weeks old. Is it ok?

(69 Posts)
Keepswimming21 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:26:16

Hello, i am new to this website so please forgive me if the post doesn't follow the rules but I am desperate for some 3rd party honest opinion.

I am 36 weeks pregnant of our second child, have been married 10 years and he is a great husband overall. His family live in Asia and he hasn't seen them for 2 years, was meant to go and see them this November but had to postpone due to baby arriving.

He is planning to go in January for three weeks when our baby will be two months old depending on when he/she arrives and we have no family or close friends around that could help me when he is away. I understand he wants to use his annual leave before the end of the financial year and his cousin is getting married at that time too but I am somehow crossed he is going on a 3 weeks holiday to the other side of the world when baby is so small. No one in his family sees this as a problem and i should be able to manage fine on my own with a newborn while my friends and family say this is unreasonable and selfish and he should check his priorities in life.

If i speak to him he will get angry and accuse me of not loving his family, being unreasonable, jealous and depriving him of his freedom etc. and his family will think i am a manipulative witch keeping him away from them. If he doesn't go he will begrudge me and remind me of the time of when i didn't let him go to see his mum forever. I now actually want him to go but resent him for deciding to go without even asking me if i minded.

He has never been away for more than two weeks and a bit before and this will be his longest time away since we are together, I have asked him to go for two weeks instead but he is not keen 'too far and the wedding itself will take a week' so he wouldn't have time to catch up with family properly'.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar situation?

DreamingofSummer Fri 21-Oct-16 09:33:04

He's being totally unreasonable - that's all there is to it.

Bagina Fri 21-Oct-16 09:33:42

I haven't been in a similar situation as dh wouldn't have dreamed of asking. I was still recovering from a c section and baby had reflux and was feeding/throwing up every 2 hours. We were both on our knees. We have had to miss out on a few weddings abroad when we had new babies, cos we er, had a new baby! I find his request outrageous, especially as you'll have no family support. I would have struggled with 3 nights. Hopefully he's being an arse cos he doesn't understand what babies are like yet. Even now our dc are older dh wouldn't get to opt out of family life for 3 weeks!!

carmenta Fri 21-Oct-16 09:35:38

I wouldn't have been pleased if DH had done that when DD was so small, and it might have been actively dangerous since I came quite close to having full-blown PND.

Newborns are incredibly labour intensive, and just having DH around to do things like take her first thing in the morning for an hour or so in order for me to sleep literally saved my sanity.

I think he needs to reconsider.

user1471507699 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:36:59

I wouldn't want him to go. Yes family are important, but his priority should be to his family with you. I only have 1 DD and I would have hated that at 2 months. I'm pretty self sufficient and I would have coped if I HAD to but I would have hated it. Personally I think he should use this year's leave to be at home more with you and the children and think about going later on or at the very least reduce the time he is going for. Assuming you are in the UK then I don't see why 3 weeks is essential (well it wouldn't be even from America but you get my point!). I think it's very unfair to leave you on your own with a tiny baby and another child!

Jenijena Fri 21-Oct-16 09:36:59

He needs to spend his annual leave with you and the baby. YANBU.

ElspethFlashman Fri 21-Oct-16 09:37:14

Well it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about your opinion or you being left with a tiny baby, so that's that.

He's going, regardless, isn't he?

Of course he's being a prick. And I doubt for the first time.

Keepswimming21 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:37:45

He knows what babies are like as we have an almost 4 years old that he would be taking with him (but she was a very easy baby), although i don't want her to be away for so long!

Offred Fri 21-Oct-16 09:39:12

He's being completely unreasonable.

Mintychoc1 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:41:35

He's being a bit harsh but to be honest it's not impossible being alone with a young baby. I was on my own with no support at all from day 1 and I managed fine. I'd be more upset about him taking your 4 year old because that would break my heart.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 21-Oct-16 09:42:36

You knew he had family over seas when you married him and had children, it seems unfortunate that this wedding has fallen in January but I think now you have a small baby, he should prioritise your family and not go.
I think I am saying I can understand his need to see family, and obviously he has been saving his leave and really wants to go but there needs to be some compromise where you are both happier with the situation.

Offred Fri 21-Oct-16 09:43:22

Of course you could do it but why should you?

And why does he feel he is entitled to make the choice by himself?

JosephineMaynard Fri 21-Oct-16 09:43:43

I'd be upset about that too, and I have family / close friends near enough to help out if I was having trouble coping alone for whatever reason.

Without a support network close enough to help you out if necessary - totally unreasonable to go off on holiday for 3 weeks. And very unreasonable for him to try and say this is about you not loving his family etc etc.

Snapandcrackle Fri 21-Oct-16 09:44:38

Have I read that right - he want to go away for THREE weeks? He is being unreasonable. If it was one week then maybe but three is definitely U.

mumblechum0 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:45:51

Hmm, seeing that he's taking your 4 year old, I'm not sure that managing a newborn alone would be all that difficult really, but my perspective is that my DH was always working abroad when mine were little, so I'd only see him for a couple of days here and there, and I also had an older child with severe SN and also no family or friends arouond to support me, and survived the experience.

I know that my perspective is a bit different, and that others, whose partners were around to share the burden may find it hard to imagine managing alone.

leaveittothediva Fri 21-Oct-16 09:47:44

He sounds very old fashioned in his views, what about his responsibilities to his own family namely, you, and your children. I've no doubt he will go and leave you on your tod. He is selfish, but his family sound the same, so nothing much you can do I'm afraid.

Bagina
They have already got one child, so he must know the drill by now..... Ha ha. grin

Gymnopedies Fri 21-Oct-16 09:48:20

He is very selfish for going and for taking away your 4 years old DD since you are not comfortable with that.
His family could visit or he could have visited at another time, or strictly go for the wedding. Mostly he should have talked to you before hand.

Keepswimming21 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:49:00

Indeed and i don't mind when he goes, we have gone together too and with our older one he went when she was 8 months old and i managed ok.

crumpet Fri 21-Oct-16 09:49:14

Can't you go too?

DH had to go on a 2 week work trip when dc1 was a similar age (possibly closer to 10 weeks or so - can't remember now), so I took myself off to Australia with dc1 to visit family, and DH joined us once his work trip had finished. I was post cs, but the travel wasn't bad at all - and dc slept for most of the journey.

KP86 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:49:50

If he is taking the older one then I would be fine with it.

DH had to go away for work when our DC was small (not for three weeks, mind) and it was almost easier because I was not considering another adult. It was all about me and DC. I also spent almost seven weeks by myself with a 15mo when DH moved overseas early to set us up and I met him here later. That was a lot more complicated because I had to pack a house etc as well.

Six weeks is a relatively easy age, in that they don't need much entertaining, you can stay in bed all day and they won't be bored, you'll be breastfeeding or on formula so no proper food to worry about except your own.

I would let him go.

BUT - at the end of the day, if you have reason for him not to go (eg. history of PND) then he should respect that and stay. His responsibility is to your family now, not his family of origin.

HarleyQuinzel Fri 21-Oct-16 09:50:22

Can you not all go? Wouldn't they want to meet the baby? Or invite them to come and stay? If not, then I would be upset too but it's only 3 weeks out of the year. Maybe say that next time he goes he has to take both kids or they come and stay here?

catsmother Fri 21-Oct-16 09:50:45

I think that he's very lucky you've offered him the compromise of a 2 week trip instead of a 3 week one, and he should have grabbed that with both hands and been grateful instead of petulantly grumbling about not having 'enough time'. In any case, the type of wedding which is celebrated across a whole week would no doubt consist of many and varied opportunities to catch up with all sorts of family members - plus then he'd have another week on top.

Don't see how you can actually stop him though and there's the rub.

HarleyQuinzel Fri 21-Oct-16 09:51:10

6 weeks was not an easy age for my DS at all, I would've found being on my own really hard, he cried constantly.

SkaterGrrrrl Fri 21-Oct-16 09:51:15

He is being unreasonable. New mums need help and support. I say this as someone with lots of close family on the other side of the world, so I understand him wanting to go.

Bagina Fri 21-Oct-16 09:51:49

*Bagina
They have already got one child, so he must know the drill by now..... Ha ha. grin*

That's why he's buggering off! grin

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