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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Choose me?

78 replies

thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 00:51

Help! I need advice!

Three months ago, I met a guy and we hit it off straight away. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but there's one problem - he's in a relationship. He owns a house with this girl and has been in a 9 month relationship with her, despite claiming it's a broken relationship and they don't have sex. He claims that he loves us both now, and cannot break up with other girlfriend because there's 'still something there.' He moved out of her house and has been doing on dates with her, whilst coming to mine most days and sleeping with me. Whenever I ask what's going on, he gets stressed and cries. It's hideously frustrating and I'm starting to wonder why I'm bothering :/

OP posts:

Report

user1476140278 · 21/10/2016 00:53

You don't "get on fantastically" because he's treating you very badly. Her too obviously.

He doesn't love you or even care for you. He likes the sex. He's got it both ways...he's sleeping with her and then with you and now he's moved out of hers, he can say he's not committed to her either.

So...are you willing to be one of his shags? That's all you are to him.

Sex on a plate.

No matter what he says, how much he cries. He's a spoiled little boy in a man's body.

Cut him out of your life.

user1476140278 · 21/10/2016 00:54

Oh and he won't ever "choose you' either because he's not willing to be faithful.

PointlessUsername · 21/10/2016 00:58

9 months and they own a house together?.

Run away. He sounds a massive idiot.

abbsismyhero · 21/10/2016 02:02

Adding to the run chorus here at best he is confused/depressed at worst he is a twat either way he is not a good bet

blondieblondie · 21/10/2016 02:34

Does she know about you?? What an insane situation this is, if she does. And he must be loving it.

Lunar1 · 21/10/2016 03:13

9 months is still the honeymoon period, how on earth do you fall for someone, buy a house together, move out, stop having sex and start cheating all within 9 months!

thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 05:05

Sorry I meant to say 9 years with her, not months!

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 21/10/2016 05:35

Ditch him. He's cheating on his partner. You are the other woman. He's using you for sex.

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 05:38

You're the other woman.

He isn't going to pick you. He's trying to persuade her to pick him (hence the dates).

Of course he's still having sex with her.

On the off chance that he did leave her, you'd be inheriting someone else's cheating scumbag. He'll cheat on you too.

He's crying to manipulate you, so you'll continue to have sex with him.

He doesn't love you both. He doesn't love either of you, he just likes the sex and the attention.

You need to break up with him. Stop seeing him. Block his calls and social media.

You are worth more than this. You are worth more than being some guy's bit on the side.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2016 05:40

You're "starting to wonder"? Really? Come on op you're deliberately ignoring the obvious when he's hitting you over the head with it!

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 05:41

Ignore what he says look at what he does.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/10/2016 05:48

Has he really 'moved out of her (I thought you said they bought together) house, though? Or does she think they are just going through a bad patch and he's giving her time and space? Or does he go back there when he's not having sex with you, all 'hello, darling, sorry I've been away so long, work, eh?'

Imagine he did 'pick' you...would you not spend every moment he wasn't with you wondering if he was doing the same thing again? Honestly, love, he's just not worth it.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 21/10/2016 05:54

Come on OP get some self worth here! You can do better than this. If he does "pick you" how long do you think it will last? Can you ever trust him? He's a cheat, let him go.

Cabrinha · 21/10/2016 06:44

Stop hassling the poor man!
You going on at him is making him so stressed that he cries

Why on earth do you want to be with a man who is going on dates with his long term partner? He's already chosen that you're good for nothing more than sex. Put out and shut up. Or he'll cry. Bless him. It's a hard life.

Are you 17?

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 07:17

Right. You need to walk away now.

I've told 3 married men that I'm not interested this summer alone.

I'm nothing special, in fact no single man is ever interested in me, but men who fancy a bit on the side, yeah, bring 'em on, they're all after me...

One of them, in particular, was a real shock. A lovely, decent man, all of that, hinted that he had fallen for me and all of that nonsense. And I told him I wasn't interested. That I was worth more than being a married man's bit on the side and that his wife deserved better to.

Haven't heard from him since. Well I have, but only to be sure I was serious and tell me that his feelings were genuine and that he was working out how to leave his wife so that we could be together. Etc. I told him to go away, sort out his life and come back to me when he was single.

Do you know when I expect to hear from him again...? Never.

Why? Because if he was really that unhappy with his wife, he'd already be gone. I was targeted by my first married man when I was 19 and have been hit on by them periodically since. It's not flattering and it shouldn't be flattering to you. You shouldn't even be thinking of this as a relationship or a fledgling/potential relationship because, at the moment, you are just being a bit of a shit and a fool to boot.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 07:17

*too

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 07:28

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't make you special to have an attraction to a attached man. And it doesn't make him special to be chasing a single woman.

It's grubby and it's dirty.

Sometimes people who are genuinely unhappy have plodded along and then meet someone they really should be with. But those people aren't going on dates with their partner or claiming that there is "still something there". He is not going to choose you.

Cabrinha · 21/10/2016 07:40

To be fair, he will choose the OP when his LTR works out that he's cheating.
He'll choose her temporarily until he's shagging the next woman who either doesn't know about the OP, or thinks that he'll choose her over the OP.

His ego must be pretty big with all these choices!

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 07:48

Yes, that is true.

That's when my exh 'chose' the OW; when he didn't have many other options because I kicked him out and his explanation was, "I had no intention of leaving, you ended the relationship. Now I'm making the best of a bad situation".

I did ask him if he was going to tell her that's what she was, but he just told me to fuck off

Do you want to be that, OP? The best of a bad situation?

magoria · 21/10/2016 07:50

Why the hell did you start sleeping with a man in a relationship?

Why the hell are you still sleeping with a man in a relationship and going on dates with her?

Why the hell do you want to be with a man who treats his partner of 9 fucking years with so little respect or honesty.

FFS look in the mirror, get some dignity and walk away before this is you in 9 years being treated like shit.

ShatnersWig · 21/10/2016 08:01

There's more than one idiot in this scenario, not just him.

garlicandsapphire · 21/10/2016 08:07

For one minute put yourself in her shoes. After 9 years...some silly selfish girl falls in love with your partner.

He is not worth having. Choose more carefully next time. A man in a relationship who comes on to you is sleazy and cheap and not worth having.

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thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 08:21

This is the odd thing though. We are intimate together but we're not having sex. Does this make it different? Or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 21/10/2016 08:22

Look, you may be the love of his life, you may be 'meant' to be together. In that case, the way forward if for him to break off any existing relationships and start a new one when he is free of previous commitments.

Anything else is a bit grubby. How do you feel about that?

ParForTheCourses · 21/10/2016 08:22

Actions speak louder then words. His say he's a selfabsorbed, selfish whinger. Can you really do no better then that?

He's going to be lying to both you and her and shagging you both.

Flip

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