Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think I'm about to lose a friend

(18 Posts)
NotReallySureWhatToDo2016 Thu 20-Oct-16 17:02:08

I can't say too much here for fear of outing myself, but have NC.

Essentially, best male totally-platonic mate has a new girlfriend. However, for no good reason, she absolutely hates me. I'm in a LTR and happy. I'm stumped.

Is there anything I can do? I think this is going to end our friendship. I don't want to lose my friend. He's helped me through so much - divorce, bereavement etc. He's like family sad

Kaisha02 Thu 20-Oct-16 17:05:29

She obviously sees you as a threat but there isn't anything you can do here. Any action now is down to your friend. If he valued your friendship like you value his then there shouldn't be any problems. He either needs to make his gf understand your friendship and accept it, or choose her over you and likely regret that later.

NotReallySureWhatToDo2016 Thu 20-Oct-16 17:09:54

Bugger. You are right, aren't you. I'm stuck - if I mention it to him, I'll look like a snitch. If I say something to her, I'll look like a bitch. If I mention it to mutual friends, I'll look like I'm whining. I really can't do anything, can I?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Thu 20-Oct-16 17:18:44

To be totally honest, if he allows a new gf to veto an old friend, irrespective of gender, then he's not that good a friend after all.

I can understand insecurities when your bf/gf is very close to a friend of the opposite sex, but unless one of them is overstepping the boundaries - which I'm assuming not in this case - then it's utterly out of order to make that relationship difficult.

TheNaze73 Thu 20-Oct-16 17:19:35

Kaisha is right. This really isn't your fight to fight. It really gets my goat, when I hear stories like this, I have no idea why some people are so insecure like she sounds.
He needs to grow a bloody backbone, being dictated to like that.
I think you may get a mixed response on here sadly though OP. Similar stories in reverse tend to get a completely different response, insinuating that there's no smoke without fire & I wouldn't like that.
I hope he see's sense OP. What she's doing would be a massive red flag. Controlling & just rude

Wheelerdeeler Thu 20-Oct-16 17:28:29

I had a great male friend in my teens, nothing ever happened between us.

He got a gf, who I met several times and thought we got on well.

Suddenly all contact was cut (days before mobile phones).

He married her (bumped into a friend of his).

I found him on FB last year, sent a msg...... nothing back.

It hurt to be dropped like that.

Mintychoc1 Thu 20-Oct-16 17:58:29

I had a good male friend in my 20s - always totally platonic, we didn't fancy each other st all but got on really well. He met a woman, fell in love, she hated all his female friends and he chose her over us. She also preferred him not to see his male friends either as they had wives/girlfriends that she didn't like. They got married, had a child, then split up. He's now married again to someone who seems lovely - he lives on the other side of the country from me but we're Facebook friends.

I still think it's a shame he lost so many friends due to someone who he didn't stay married to anyway.

There's nothing you can do OP, just wait and hope.

NotReallySureWhatToDo2016 Thu 20-Oct-16 21:02:20

Thank you all for responding. I feel a bit heartbroken to be honest but you are totally right - the ball is in his court. I'm swinging between desperately sad and bloody fuming but there is nothing I can do.

pocketsaviour Thu 20-Oct-16 22:17:17

It is annoying, but given the track record of many men, it's also understandable.

Can you socialise as two couples? Could you meet up with her separately for coffee dates etc?

I have a lot of men friends (I work in a very male-dominated industry and tend to make friends through work.) If they have a partner, I do tend to follow a certain set of rules, for example: always Facebook or Whatsapp message both of them together to arrange nights out/in. If inviting them out, invite them both. Or invite yourself to their place. If you suggest a get together and he can't make it, say "Oh that's a shame, but maybe we could have a girls night then, X?"

I like to think of it as, I like this person. He has chosen this partner. Therefore we probably have things in common and I should take this as a shortcut to friendship!

One of my closest female friends was met like this and in fact I am probably now closer to her than her H.

crunched Fri 21-Oct-16 01:37:15

I'm a bit ashamed to say that, when I first got together with DH, I was incredibly insecure about his platonic female friends. He was/is a very outgoing, touchy-feely person ... and I am the opposite.
pocketsaviour has a good idea in planning a 'couples night out' so gf can see your friendship is no threat to their relationship. That might have worked for me.
In my case, DH made it clear that my feelings were more important to him than anyone else's but still managed to maintain his friendships, though certainly saw a lot less of the friends. A few years down the line, when I was more secure and mature, he was able to meet up with who he wanted, when he wanted.
20+ years of marriage later, I realise the 'ones to watch' are the men who don't have female mates, but my 20 year old self would have had none of that. Your friend's gf may have reasons to be insecure which we don't know. If he is as lovely as you think, trust his judgement and sit back for a while, your friendship may well fall into place again.

Atenco Fri 21-Oct-16 03:56:42

What good suggestions from pocket! You sound like you already know this, but never, ever criticise his gf. I speak as one who lost a few friends from being a slow learner.

ShatnersWig Fri 21-Oct-16 08:34:05

As a man with a female best friend and several good female friends, I hope he has the sense to say "this is how it is; this is my best friend, she is like a sister to me. There are times when we will all socialise together and times when we may socialise on our own; if you can't accept that, then I'm afraid you and I aren't right for each other".

I've done that. My best friend has done that. That's how it is. Our friendship predates any partner. There has never been anything remotely sexual or flirty at any time over a great many years. If someone doesn't like it, that's their problem.

NotReallySureWhatToDo2016 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:28:40

Thank you - genuinely. I think Pocket's suggestion is a very good one. I'm going to have a think about how to make that happen smile

Pooky77 Fri 21-Oct-16 09:48:47

My DH of 4 years has numerous friends who are female. His closest female friend was the first friend i met when we started dating and she went on to be my bridesmaid and is to be god mother to our DS. How did we get here? Simply by being around them both together, having nights out meals etc, it was perfectly clear to me that there was nothing more than friendship between them, she's more like a sister than anything. I hope you can make this work for all involved as it's not a great sign for their relationship if the GF won't even try and get to know you.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 21-Oct-16 11:40:51

I really admire your honesty OP and your drive to learn more about yourself.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 21-Oct-16 17:59:21

Oops sorry! Wrong thread blush

JoJoSM2 Fri 21-Oct-16 19:08:11

I think it's down to your friend. If he sees you as a friend then double dates etc and it should be normal. Also, it's really down to him how he manages it - if he want's to stay friends with you then he'll present you as a nice girl and double dates will be possible.

Also, are you at all emotionally over-reliant on each other? E.g. speak or text daily/almost daily, see each other often, perhaps with him hiding it from the new gf? If that's the case then I'm not surprised the gf is fuming. If your relationship with the friend is healthy, as she's insecure and jealous then it should get better as she settles in their relationship + stop seeing you as a threat after a few double dates/parties.

gleam Fri 21-Oct-16 19:24:50

I would say her attitude stems from his attitude. If his actions and words made her feel secure, she wouldn't care one jot about you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now