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Never Been In a Relationship

(64 Posts)
avietmal Thu 20-Oct-16 00:39:45

Mums, countrywomen, lend me your thoughts,

I am a 30 year old male and I am posting this query here as I would like to hear womens' thoughts.

A few things about myself:

- I have never had a relationship, unless you count when I was an infant
- I have never asked a girl out
- I am 30 years old and live at home with my father

That is one side of the coin. The other is:

- I am in the top 0.1% of earners in my age bracket
- I am in the top 1% for IQ
- According to a photograph rating website I was in the top 3 or so percent for physical appearance and although I've rarely been to lively night venues, if I do go to them, I get hit on and I have been propositioned for sex about ten times in my life
- I exercise five times a week and am in good physical shape

There is one thing I don't have though and this appears to be one of the most important things women look for these days: confidence with women or 'game'. And the later is not something I want to have. I can tell that when speaking to some women that they see me as inconsequential because I am not an alpha or assertive etc. Any of my other qualities are irrelevant.

In July I signed up to an internet dating website as it seems like the only way I am likely to find someone; and a friend sold it to me that you can find people who are more compatible this way. I got a lot of profile views, but probably due to my profile, which would not be attractive to a lot of women due to my personality type and interests, I didn't get many messages. Of the messages I got that I replied to, only one replied back. And we had so much in common (and there are not many people who would) and had some great, lengthy conversations. We agreed to meet and it went well, though towards the end I thought I sensed she was not interested, but it could easily have been her nerves. We exchanged a few more messages after and everything seemed good, but then there was nothing for three weeks. I got a message after three weeks saying "sorry I have problems at the moment, I will email you when I can." But I sensed this may have just been an attempt to give me a very soft brush off. Ten weeks later, I've not heard from her.

I'm very busy with work and don't have the time to throw away looking for first dates that will go nowhere.

In short I'm of zero interest to women who are looking for exuberance, fast times etc. I can be exciting and funny, but I tend to need to get to know people before I show those sides of myself. I am a stable guy, a gentleman, the type of guy that girls complain don't exist ... because we are not also alphas.

I am looking for a woman who is also stable and looking for wholesome, real characteristics and to raise a strong family with bright children. From what I have said above, what signs do you think I should be looking for in a woman?

ravenmum Thu 20-Oct-16 06:12:09

Just as it takes a while to get to know you, it will take a while for you to get to know a potential partner. If you don't have time for dates, you will never find out if they might have gone anywhere or not.

RedMapleLeaf Thu 20-Oct-16 06:43:59

Do you actually like other people?

PoldarksBreeches Thu 20-Oct-16 06:50:01

Your post reeks of your disdain for women who can't see how great you are or appreciate your qualities.
You don't ask women out and you have made zero effort up to now to date women; you're probably giving off a not-interested vibe. Even now you don't want to be bothered with first dates that won't go anywhere. You're looking for the right woman to fall into your lap just because you've decided you're ready for her, despite zero dating experience and very little effort expended?
Do you have Aspergers or anything that might impact on your social functioning? Because you seem to have a very unusual idea of how human relationships work.
If you want a relationship here are my tips-
Don't be so intense, date a lot, gain some confidence, learn to chat to women without being off putting, stop being dismissive or disdainful of women who don't 'get' you, don't expect miracles.

GazingAtStars Thu 20-Oct-16 06:50:21

I notice you say you didn't get many messages on the OLD site. Did you make the first move and message anyone yourself?

HapShawl Thu 20-Oct-16 06:50:44

Start by knocking off all the "alpha" crap. It's bollocks and shows you have no idea what "women are looking for", especially as you have indicated that the things you think are most desirable about yourself is your high earning, IQ and physical appearance

Get a hobby, treat the women you meet as a result as human beings, get to know each other as friends with genuine interest for each other and enjoying each other's company, and attraction and affection may well follow

HapShawl Thu 20-Oct-16 06:51:39

"Do you actually like other people?"

I was thinking the same thing!

forumdonkey Thu 20-Oct-16 06:56:30

I struggled to read the OP through all the ego.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 20-Oct-16 07:02:23

PoldarksBreeches and HapShawl have said exactly what I was thinking.

High IQ and high earner didn't feature at the top of my list when I was looking for a partner.

I knew my DP was perfect for me because he made me laugh, we had a lot in common, he is very kind and caring. But most of all, he respected me and put in the effort to talk to me and find out about me as a fellow human being first, not a potential mate.

We knew each other for about 5 months before we started dating and now, 4 years later, I am still the happiest I have ever been.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 20-Oct-16 07:03:27

In fact, my DP is a PC so high earner he is not. His job is an extension of him though and makes me love him more.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Thu 20-Oct-16 07:04:12

Plus, you know, Man in Uniform... Swoons in an unfeminist way

claraschu Thu 20-Oct-16 07:12:15

I think you have to take time to make friends with people, just hang out and chat and laugh, without having any agenda. Of course this is easier at university than at work, but I think finding a romantic relationship comes after finding many friendly relationships.

forumdonkey Thu 20-Oct-16 07:41:18

I wonder if your profile reads like your OP? hmm

I'll be honest here, you sound like a 70 year old man. What 30 year olds go to 'lively night venues'? You don't sound like you do anything other than work, gym and go back to your parents - boring. You still live at home, but sound like a loner with no friends or social life - no fun, drive, and not independent. TBH why do you think a high IQ is attractive? I know some very highly educated people but they lack SOH and quite frankly have no common sense. Just from reading your OP, I'd be scared that you'd forever be correcting me and trying to educate me. Who wants someone who is brainy but boring? You talk of wanting to raise a strong family with bright children and describe yourself as wholesome - you sound like you are living in the 1950's.

My advice seeing as you asked for it, is to get out, make friends, socialise and ffs have some fun!

LIttleTripToHeaven Thu 20-Oct-16 07:48:54

Actually, high IQ is important to me. Maybe not top 1%, but mine is in that bracket and it is something I look for; for a number of reasons. So I'm not going to deride you for saying those things, you obviously feel those material, physical, financial and intellectual attributes define you. And you may have just been clumsily illustrating that you are not an uneducated, unemployed man in stained tracky bottoms glued to the glare of his laptop all day and night when it might be more immediately obvious why you hadn't had a relationship.

Whilst online dating, women do look for 'markers' that indicate a man will be what they are looking for or not, and the attributes you describe might be in there, but it's your personality that will count in the end. The other stuff just acts as an initial filter.

What you have effectively said is that your personality doesn't come through until later, when that is what will take you from the first date to the second.

I do agree that all your talk of 'game' and 'alpha males' suggests that you have very little interaction with women in your real life and very little idea of what they really want.

What do you understand women to want when you say they want a 'gentleman'? Because it means different things to different people. In my experience, women want a man who will respect them and treat them as an equal and not try to sexually assault them after a glass of wine or two. That's not what a lot of men who describe themselves as a gentleman mean. Google the whole Nice Guy thing. It's not attractive.

Do you have any female friends?

LIttleTripToHeaven Thu 20-Oct-16 07:52:30

Oh and this whole 'game' thing... I think I know what you mean, it's not something I look for, in fact, I avoid it at all costs.

LIttleTripToHeaven Thu 20-Oct-16 07:53:32

What you are describing isn't a 'gentleman'. It's boring.

Sorry, that's me done, I'm off now!

MoveItMoveItMoveIt Thu 20-Oct-16 07:55:53

I'm sorry OP you do sound a bit pompous. I think the best thing you can do is to get online again and try to see it all as a bit of fun, message women who see nice and meet as many as possible with an open mind. See if there are any people you enjoy spending time with and vice versa. Good luck.

cauliwobbles Thu 20-Oct-16 07:57:25

I can't formulate a reply without being unwholesome I'm afraid!

HapShawl Thu 20-Oct-16 08:05:17

I think there is a big difference between wanting someone who is intelligent and someone who has a high IQ - I know the latter is often used as shorthand for the former, but am not interested in anyone who places value in their IQ measurement

Mittensonastring Thu 20-Oct-16 08:11:25

I am actually married to some who has a ridiculously high IQ and is also a high earner. Guess what he thinks IQ tests are total bullshit, his
Mother had him tested as a child and he is off the scale, he is an expert on something, can't say as google brings up a few thousand hits on him.

He is however still a laugh you quite frankly do not come across as someone that I could have a laugh with. That is your problem right there. I know a guy who is not a high earner and isn't even good looking but he is popular because he is hilarious and also thoughtful, it isn't all about him.

Mittensonastring Thu 20-Oct-16 08:13:55

Some should read someone.

AyeAmarok Thu 20-Oct-16 08:22:39

"Game" is the very, very opposite of what I, or any of my friends, would want in a man. I wouldn't even entertain getting involved with a guy who had game.

Why do you live at home with your dad? Could you move out and be independent?

Everything does sound very formulaic with you. Top 1% of this, top 3% of that. And a computer programme said you were good looking? confused Bizarre.

scrumptiouscrumpets Thu 20-Oct-16 08:24:34

Yes you do sound pompous etc, as pp have said. But I don't think you need to change that, there are women who are similar to you and would find you attractive, there's someone for everyone I believe. I think your problem is that you're focused on the wrong type of woman. If you're not interested in going to 'lively night venues ', then don't go there and don't try to be liked by women who go there, because you'll have nothing in common. Find a hobby that really interests you and start from there. But don't expect your partner to be high-earning, exceptionally intelligent and good looking, that's a recipe for staying single forever. Unfortunately , your op makes you sound very much in love with yourself, and I think you will have trouble finding anyone you think is good enough for you.
Also, you need to put some effort in. If you liked this woman you met, why did you wait for her to call you? For weeks?? Why didn't you call her ?

TheNaze73 Thu 20-Oct-16 08:25:37

You sound boring. Lighten it up & don't take yourself too seriously. Get a female colleague to help write you a new OLD profile

PoppyBirdOnAWire Thu 20-Oct-16 10:14:05

You sound unattractive. You are aware that attractiveness is subjective, I presume? Personality, wit and a sense of humour are hugely attractive. Sounds as though you might have had the bypass for each...

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