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At stalemate in counselling with dm

5 replies

Mamaka · 19/10/2016 23:09

I posted a couple of months ago about an argument between my mum and I. She ended up booking us counselling and we've just had our second session. In the first session the counsellor seemed to hit the nail on the head with a lot of things eg she is scared of big emotions, she is very defensive, she wears a mask. It felt a bit like I might actually see a glimpse of the person inside! Then tonight it was like she was absolutely determined not to crack again. She resisted talking about herself but insisted I open up about my issues with her. It feels like stalemate. What is the point of being in counselling but keeping the mask on?

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Onlyonce · 19/10/2016 23:15

I may have misinterpreted your message but it sounds like you are perhaps going to counselling but not wanting to speak much about yourself? I think for this to work you both need to be totally honest and open, not just one of you. It's difficult to do. I think the way through would perhaps be to raise it at the start of your next session and see what the counsellor suggests. It's quite reasonable to do that.

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Onlyonce · 19/10/2016 23:19

I think maybe your mum is scared and has put her defences up. Counselling isn't the place for that. She needs to understand that too if she genuinely has gone into this with the right intention. Sorry if my last post sounded harsh, that wasn't my intention. I'm just trying to see why she might have behaved that way. I definitely still think raise it at the beginning next time

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LineyReborn · 19/10/2016 23:23

Maybe it's your turn?

She's dropped the mask once a bit, which can be hard to do, and she's askng you to open up to her.

That could be how she sees it.

What did your counsellor say / do?

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2rebecca · 20/10/2016 09:42

Agree that if counselling is to get anywhere you both have to talk openly. If you both see counselling as being all about the other person admitting they are wrong it gets nowhere.
Isn't you talking about your issues with her related to her difficulty showing her emotions etc anyway so you are sort of talking about her issues again?
Counselling will only work if you both want the relationship to improve and will change the way to relate to each other , accepting that neither of you is going to have a major personality change.
Often counselling doesn't work.

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Mamaka · 20/10/2016 12:23

Thanks for the replies. I think I will raise it at the beginning of next session as it did feel like she is scared and defensive. The counsellor said it seemed that my dm was putting a lot on me which I took to mean that she is trying to make it all about me so that she doesn't have to open up.