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Logistics of breaking up

(15 Posts)
tooyoungtobeamrs Wed 19-Oct-16 15:42:43

Hi all,

after internally debating for a long time I made the decision to end my relationship with DP. He is an amazing, loving man who has always respected me, but my feelings have changed and I recently realized I don't love him anymore. I think the relationship has run its course and, as much as this is terribly painful, separating sounds like the best option.

DP has no idea this is coming. There has been a lot of clues that things were not working and tentative conversations where I expressed dissatisfaction, but I think he decided not to aknowledge them. So he thinks we are happily together.

We are not married, no DC and separate finances. Both in good stable jobs. We live together in a place he owns, where I bought some of the furniture but never paid mortgage/ rent. I have lots of savings (in the region of £20k+) so money should not be a problem.

So my question is: how do I handle this logistically?

Is it better to look for a place for myself and talk to him once I am ready to move out? Should I talk to him immediately for the sake of honesty and only then start looking for a place?

What things do I have to plan/ prepare before we have the conversation? What should I know?

Many thanks for your kind advices!

Vagabond Wed 19-Oct-16 15:48:11

He could kick you out with nowhere to go. Yr the one who wants to leave so it's up to you.

You would be foolish to not line somewhere else up before you dump him. He's hardly going to offer you the spare room while his ego melts.

Cabrinha Wed 19-Oct-16 15:52:54

You're dumping him, you should be ready to go if he wants that.
Plenty of years not paying rent means you've saved enough to pay for short term digs whilst you choose something permanent.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Oct-16 15:58:59

Why have your feelings changed?
Have you had your head turned?
You say how wonderful he is yet you don't want to be with him.
Is there anything you could work on together to rescue things or are you adamant now?

tooyoungtobeamrs Wed 19-Oct-16 16:04:11

hellsbell I think it is over. I haven't been in love with him for a long time, I just refused to aknowledge it. I stayed for so long because he is such an amazing man but unfortunately I can't force myself to love him. He is an amazing man and deserves to be with someone that wants to be with him 100%. That person is not me.

We are both young and we still have a chance to meet someone else and have a family. I think it is better to break it off now than later in life when potentially DC would be involved.

Unicorncatsack Wed 19-Oct-16 16:06:23

Why are people being snippy with the op confused

She's perfectly within her rights to decide the relationship doesn't work for her.

Obsidian77 Wed 19-Oct-16 16:11:02

Can you stay with a (female) friend for a week or so until you find a new place? Make sure you have all your valuables, documents and useful paperwork ready to go.
Are you planning to take any of the furniture you bought or leave it for him?
I think if you've had several conversations where you've tried to express your unhappiness he won't be that surprised en if he doesn't want to acknowledge it.
This is a courageous decision. Well done. If you know in your heart that it's over, I don't think there's any point trying to flog a dead horse. You and your partner both deserve to be with people who really want to be with you.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Oct-16 16:14:01

Not snippy - just asking.
If it's over for you and has been for a while then you need to find somewhere else to live asap.
If he is a kind and understanding man then you could tell him straight away.
If he didn't want you around him and you didn't have a flat to go to would friends or family take you in temporarily?

DorotheaHomeAlone Wed 19-Oct-16 16:17:20

I agree with the pp. This is a courageous decision. You both deserve to be with people you love who love you back.

If I were in his shoes I'd want you to have somewhere to go lined up. It'll be hard for him to know you've been planning behind his back but harder to stay living together after the relationship is over.

Be honest and kind but very clear that it's finished. Then get out of his way so he can mourn the end if the relationship in peace.

tooyoungtobeamrs Wed 19-Oct-16 16:17:53

No family or close friends nearby. I have several female colleagues I am close to that I could ask, but I'd rather do this on my own IYSWIM..

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 19-Oct-16 16:20:47

I think you need somewhere lined up to go to, understandably I don't think his going to want to live togther once your over and I think it would be cruel of you to expect to stay there once you've told him.

Do you have a friend or any family you could stay with short term? While you look for a place.

Do you want to take the furniture with you?

When you tell him, please be honest but be kind with it as it sounds like you have simply fell out of love

Coffeeineedyou Wed 19-Oct-16 16:22:54

Absouletly you need somewhere lined up to go to, it would be very cruel to tell him it's over then expect to stay there.

Either stay with a friend if you can? Or rent even a room somewhere short term?

Tell him, be honest but kind with it. Then leave him alone to deal with the break up

tooyoungtobeamrs Thu 20-Oct-16 15:03:37

For those who asked, I am planning to leave the furniture to him. He did not ask me to paid rent for several months so I feel like leaving the furniture is the least I can do.

pocketsaviour Thu 20-Oct-16 15:34:04

I'm really torn here on what to advise.

Assuming you're going to be renting when you leave, it feels really dishonest to look for a permanent home while bullshitting him about where you are, when you're going for viewings etc.

On the other hand, if you tell him "I'm leaving... but not for three weeks while I wait to find a new place and do the referencing" then he might find that really difficult.

Could you perhaps tell him you're going to leave and start the process of looking for a place, but offer him the choice of you leaving right away, and you can stay in a cheap hotel while you find somewhere?

tooyoungtobeamrs Thu 20-Oct-16 15:56:19

What I think could be an option is to quickly find a temporary accommodation (a room in a shared flat) for a couple of months, and then look for a place that I actually like afterwards. I am in London so I hope finding a temporary place should not take me more than a week.

It still feels awful though to look for bedsits while I am with DP. I wish I could talk to him right now, but breaking up is logistically hard when you live together..

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