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Flirting and marriage

(13 Posts)
ruddyfantastic Tue 18-Oct-16 18:12:17

Recently it's become apparent that I've been a bit ignorant to my husbands flirting on social media. We were both always very flirty people and actually through light harmless (we were both single) flirting on Facebook is how we reconnected.

Anyway about 3 weeks after we starting seeing each it became apparent that my husband has jealousy issues, it was an early enough discussion and I'd made the decision that it wasn't worth messing a relationship up over so I stopped it altogether, it's been 7 years and it's now at the point where I don't talk to men at all, I don't even look them in the eye as this is a sure fire way to end all conversation, not going to lie I'm a little annoyed I let it get to this stage and I kind of miss the confidence I used to have.

I bet you know where this is going- he never stopped, I've recently found a load more new stuff- always to attractive women, things like love heart smiley emojis, asking them to send him videos of them dancing?, liking selfies (lots of that). There isn't anything sexual and he promises it has never gone that far ever.

Is this some new thing that marriages now have to contend with? Is it all very innocent in the same way banter and flirtations happen at work it's now all done online? I honestly don't know how to feel about it, are there any married people that work this way? Sometimes I think that if I were allowed to then I'd be the same, but then I think I'd never do these kind of things in a mature relationships don't you grow out of this bullshit?

sandragreen Tue 18-Oct-16 18:16:08

Eh? I don't talk to men at all, I don't even look them in the eye.

Are you in the UK?

How on earth do you live your life like this? It sounds horribly abusive. sad

Meanwhile he's on the pull.............

AcrossthePond55 Tue 18-Oct-16 18:18:49

Well, it's not something that good marriages have to contend with. I don't believe in 'flirtiness' once you are married. It's disrespectful to your partner and can give an innocent (as in single and interested) person the impression that you're 'up for it' when you aren't.

You do know, don't you, that the #1 reason for jealousy and possessiveness in a partner is that they, themselves, are untrustworthy? At any rate, your DH's possessiveness and jealousy have crossed into the abusive category.

There isn't anything sexual and he promises it has never gone that far ever.

And I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

leaveittothediva Tue 18-Oct-16 18:27:11

Wait, back up a minute, if you were allowed, you sound very naive. He is the one that should be being told by you that his behavior isn't acceptable. He's a married man. He's behaving badly. He's looking at other women online, he should only have eyes for you. He sounds like a twat.

Dozer Tue 18-Oct-16 18:28:36

He sounds like a hypocritical, controlling, cheating, sexist tosser.

sophiestew Tue 18-Oct-16 18:30:40

Do you work OP? Is it a female only environment? I just cannot understand how you have allowed yourself to be controlled like this sad You don't feel able to speak to or even look at a man?

Are you allowed female friends? What do they/family say about all this? It sounds emotionally abusive to me.

Czerny88 Tue 18-Oct-16 19:14:11

It's not particularly impressive behaviour from your husband. You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming you're both over the age of 15. hmm

As a single woman, one thing that really gets my goat is men pretending they're interested and available when they're not.

ruddyfantastic Tue 18-Oct-16 19:41:13

I think I'm going to miss some responses-sorry if I do.

I let myself get this bad, I do work and it is a problem, I'm slowly coming out of it but it's been brought up multiple times, luckily my section is female and most interactions with men can be done through work email. He came to the works Xmas do and he was trying his hardest to contain himself as it had become an issue, but he got drunk and made a comment about someone he had actually forced me into a conversation with following me to the loos (this didn't happen), and I just fell back to square one. I suppose it is emotional abuse to an extent but I should have found a better middle ground that he would be comfortable with, and I will get there!

So does no one really see it as harmless banter, I see it all around me at work, this is just the same stuff but online for everyone to see.

I myself if I were single and he posted would think he was a tosser, roll my eyes and not respond. It's plain to see he is married with kids. He says he is just after attention, but it's kind of irrelevant because he says all the right things, I've just started tuning him out now.

Guess I was curious if people had made their own rules to this sort of stuff now.

ruddyfantastic Tue 18-Oct-16 19:43:57

And sorry, that's badly put by me- I speak when I'm spoken to by men, I don't maintain eye contact, I don't chat socially at all is what I should have said.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 18-Oct-16 20:42:36

I let myself get this bad.....I should have found a better middle ground.....

No, no, and NO! You are being controlled. Your husband's behaviour is abusive. The boundaries in your relationship are totally messed up. There is nothing wrong with a woman speaking to, laughing with, or looking at a man. Nothing wrong with having male coworkers that you sit near and deal with daily. Nothing wrong with unobtrusively admiring a good-looking man. Nothing wrong, in fact, with a married woman having platonic male friends. I've done all these things in the course of my 30 year marriage and my DH has no problem with any of it. Flirting, no. Speaking to men as fellow humans, yes.

I hope I don't get flamed for this, but is there a cultural reason for your husband's behaviour?

Do you enjoy living this way? Is this something that you feel you must accept in exchange for something you perceive as being 'worth it' in your marriage, such as financial security or status?

BolshierAryaStark Tue 18-Oct-16 21:03:54

Wtaf, you need to put a stop to this & do it now.
You are allowed to talk to whoever tje fuck you like my lovely because you know, you're a grown up & the knob you're married to doesn't get to tell you whst to do.
Take back some control, tell him the jealousy & double fucking standards stop or he can fuck off to the other side of fuck & then fuck a bit more.
Stop letting this prick control you.

YetAnotherGuy Tue 18-Oct-16 22:47:29

Very unfair situation - and is actually far worse than that

Notenoughsleepmumof3 Tue 18-Oct-16 23:58:50

He has disrespected your relationship and you. He has not valued it or you and has taken it for granted. It is double standards. It is controlling. You have to confront the situation head-on. Your relationship is damaged not just from the flirting but from the controlling behaviour and what that has slowly done to you. The two of you have 2 choices, decide to try and fix it (he has to really want it and be remorseful and get what he has done and make fundamental changes then repairs) or it is over. Either one is painful and difficult for you. I'm sorry. It totally sucks and is crushing. I've been there.

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