What's normal?

[CleanBedLinen]

How often is your (male) DP aroused by you?

Does he make it known every time do you think? How do you react? Is it always welcome?

(I do have a very valid reason for wanting to know. I just want to see a few responses before I give you all my own story to comment on)

[GloveBug]

Frequently. These days I'm normally just telling him to go away and leave me alone though

[JoJoSM2]

I don't know if either of us would let the other one know every time when we're in the mood as the timing isn't necessarily always convenient or appropriate... on the welcome front - always sweet and welcome although not always reciprocated or leading to sth.

[GrumpyInsomniac]

Often enough, but between his massive workload in recent months, and my increasing disability, we do more passionate snogging and letting each other know we would if we could than actually getting down and dirty.

His work should ease off in a month or so, and at that point we're going to try and just get some time together to reconnect. We know we almost lost our way completely a couple of years back in similar circumstances, so we are probably extremely aware of what could happen if we don't make an effort.

[CleanBedLinen]

My DP told me the other day that when I had been getting ready for bed he was "instantly very attracted" to me. This was whilst he was running his hand up my thigh.

It just made me feel sick. All that went through my head was how I can't even get in to my pyjamas in my own home without being ogled at.

We do have sex problems. Basically I don't want to have sex with him. There is just nothing about him that I find attractive.

And a while ago I was just terrified in general. In the night he would grope me and try to have sex with me and would often need quite a few forceful 'no's before it would stop. And he never had any memory of it in the morning. And there was an occasion when I had got out of the shower completely naked and he took that as an invitation to touch me. But he didn't take the few hints I wasn't interested so I ended up having to back away from him and lock myself in another bathroom, sobbing my heart out.

We did talk about it eventually and he was genuinely sorry. I think it's fair for a someone to assume their partner is sexually interested in them?

He doesn't grope me in the night anymore (or hasn't for some months) and doesn't touch me unless I go to him first. Which is why I was back to getting changed in the bedroom instead of the locked bathroom. But I just can't stand the thought of him looking at me like that.

It's all screwed up. I don't know why I'm posting really. I can't leave, that's not an option. And really there's no need to.

We've been married 20 years and this is only an issue in the last few. Slowly building up. It may be linked to me possibly having some kind of anxiety issues. I've had a few traumatic life experiences over the last few years. And diagnosed with a life long illness. When all this stuff with being afraid to be around him was going on I'd frequently find myself having what I could only describe as a panic attack. Once when I was driving, just because I suspected a nurse knew I wasn't OK when I'd said I was.

It has all calmed down. I'm not anxious, have managed to avoid any panic attacks and DP isn't touching me when I don't want him to.

I'm just wondering how screwed up this is. Do women in 'normal' relationships not mind being looked at and admired by their husbands? Or is it normal to just want to take your clothes off and not give your DP a hard on?

I don't really know what to deal with first. Or how to deal with it. Or even how to describe it.

[TheNaze73]

I think the question OP, is what do you want as your last post sounds very jumbled. What he did & the way about it, is wrong but, if you're generally not interested you should tell him, so he can move on. There sounds like a much bigger issue afoot here

[Unrequitedlove]

'There is nothing about him I find attractive'
Why are you staying? Not sure why you are putting yourself through this, life is too short, there is always a way to get out..

[GizmoFrisby]

I think there is more to this.
Your dh is probably acting quite normal when I compare with my dp & what you have said.
However I think you need to rethink your relationship as if he makes you feel physically sick that is not normal in a relationship.

Does he know u feel this way or do u just keep knocking him back?

[rockabillyruby82]

Kinda gonna echo what others have said. It doesn't sound like he's acting unusual, nothing wrong with touching each other intimately through the day or admiring your loved ones body. The night time groping isn't acceptable, it sounds like he is sexually frustrated.
You need to talk to him about this, it's not fair on either of you if you ignore it and continue what is essentially a loveless marriage. Maybe have some CC, together and individually.

[JoJoSM2]

You clearly have some issues and your attitude isn't healthy - it almost sounds like you view your husband as some abuser or sth... You'd benefit from getting therapy.

[Happybunny19]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this but, like the others have said, your attitude towards your dh is not normal. I would be terribly sad if my oh didn't get aroused by me.

If you truly are so reviled by your husband I would question why you continue in your marriage. I don't think it's fair on him like this.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I don't have a partner (dating) but touching and that attraction is something I really miss and would like to experience again. But I have to feel safe as like you I have had some very horrible experiences and these are my concerns, and one day when I trust someone enough I will tell them. If you trust your husband you should tell him how you are feeling. I also hope you could speak to someone about your experiences and anxiety?

[ayeokthen]

My DP will use touch as a way to initiate sex, but we're generally a very physically affectionate couple anyway, so it's not an intrusion to me. If I ever wasn't in the mood (unlikely as we both have a similar sex drive) I'd just gently tell him or vice versa if he wasn't in the mood.
It sounds to me OP, that there are wider issues within your relationship. It sounds like you don't want to be there any more, and if that is the case you'd be better leaving, for you and for him. You need at the very least to tell him how you feel, because from what you've said he's not doing anything that would be seen as abnormal in a healthy, loving relationship.

[LesisMiserable]

Why can't you leave? Unless you're physically restrained from doing so you can and you must, for both your sakes.

[saltededamummy]

OP, I think I can identify a little with how you feel.
I have a life long illness too; it has caused irreversible, unpleasant (to me) physical changes to my body & really damaged my body image.
With hindsight, I took my youthful, healthy body for granted; I also had a high sex drive & frankly the two went very well together
However despite my illness, my husband still finds me attractive & I struggle to believe that anyone could possibly do so!
We talked a lot about it & our sex life & bond has improved a great deal.
Could you try to talk to him & find a way through this, together? I'm not denying the unpleasant side of your relationship as you describe & hint at; but please don't ltb yet.

[12purpleapples]

It sounds horrible. You shouldn't have to be married to someone who disgusts you. Or someone who frightens you.

[keepingonrunning]

I think you need to consider that your H gives you the creeps. And I think you need to consider why.
One reason might be your intuition is telling you he isn't safe to be around and he is just using you for sex.
To EVER be afraid of your partner signals a power imbalance in the relationship and the potential for abuse.
No wonder your sex drive has plummeted if you have been frightened of him on occasions and you intuitively recoil. On an animal level your gut feeling is telling you he is bad news - he doesn't respect you to leave you alone when you say "no", you can't trust him - but your logic is telling you you can't leave and don't need to. I suspect this inner conflict is the root cause of your anxiety and panic attacks.
I think you would be a whole lot happier and less anxious if you were no longer in a relationship with him.

[LesisMiserable]

keeponrunning theyve been together 20 years and I think OP stated she wasnt.frightened of him. Could it be put as simply as you dont fancy him any more OP so dont feel sexual? If he still does then you have to split, for both your sakes -'or an open relationship?

[keepingonrunning]

And a while ago I was just terrified in general
would often need quite a few forceful 'no's before it would stop

[CleanBedLinen]

Thank you everyone. Sorry to not have been back all day. I have been reading. Just didn't know what to say.

So, it's not a loveless marriage. Just sexless. We have DCs together, we have a business together. Things outside of the bedroom are generally fine.

I have been scared. For a period of time when there was other shit going down.

But I genuinely believe he listened to me and now considers his actions better.

What I'm struggling with is what came first. The night time harassment then the anxiety, or the anxiety over different issues then the extreme fear of the night time harassments (which wasn't entirely a new thing but would previously have been fought off with a swift kick in the leg. Or consensual sex).

I shocked myself with my reaction the other day. I can think I'm fine and we're slowly getting closer again but then the thought of him watching me as I undress puts genuine fear in to me.

I'm sure this is my problem, not his.

The sexual assault thread hasn't helped. Or Ched Evans. There are things in my past which I thought I was over a long time ago. In fact DH was the first person I was able to have sex with without it being physically difficult due to my vagina closing up (there's a name for this, I can't remember what).

I'm rambling again.

We do have sex. At best I don't mind. At worst I feel sick because I'm just putting out.

This needs to change, obviously. One way or another.

[CleanBedLinen]

We so rarely have sex I mean.

[ayeokthen]

Your last post implies hope in your marriage, maybe with counselling to help with your previous trauma and some non sexual physical comfort and real support from your husband you can begin to live without fear again. I hope so OP, you deserve to live free of fear.

[GloveBug]

It sounds like there's a lot more to this op and I think you'd benefit from getting help, counselling maybe.