I’m scared my wife doesn’t love me.

[Mantis1975]

I certainly don’t think she finds me attractive. We only have sex about once a month and only ever when I initiate it. Even then I’m rejected 3/4 times I try, usually with a fairly sharp comment.
I understand that my wife is often tired when she comes to bed but even if I suggest we go to bed early I’m told she’s busy and not to wait up.
I’ve spoken to her about it but she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem other than she has lots to do or never really feels in the mood. I’d feel like a rapist if I found out she was only doing it for my benefit.. She promised to try and cut down on her commitments but if she has it hasn’t made any difference if she has.
I try to give her lots of non-sexual attention and try to compliment her often and I’ve started working out and taking better care of myself for her (and myself tbf)
I’m trying to help out around the house more but do feel somewhat at a loss sometimes because my standards are never really good enough (although she’s quite gracious about this)
I used to buy her sexy gifts or games like Monogamy or Strip Poker because I thought maybe she was bored with our sex life; She has had a more varied sex life than me and we used to use toys or talk about threesomes but over time this sort of thing has petered out which would be fine except now she seems repulsed by anything sexual at all. All I really want is to feel desired.
I really don’t know what to do. The only time I get attention is if withhold any affection for a few weeks then she’ll notice and seek some but withholding I know trying to manipulate her like that is abusive and I hate myself when I do act like that.
I’m worried that she has fallen out of love with me and that is the real reason for all of this.

[winkywinkola]

Do you ever have any fun together?

Non sexual fun like going out to a mutually enjoyable event?

That kind of thing and being able to laugh together can be an effective way to reconnect as a couple.

[TheNaze73]

She sounds like hard work OP. Do you laugh together?

[MyWineTime]

It sounds like there is distance between you. You need to work on building connections again before being able to improve your sex-life.
But she has to want to. Have you asked her if she wants to improve things?

[Mantis1975]

Thanks for the quick replies.
I've spoken to her about it and said I'd like to do more together but she doesn't seem all that interested.
We've gone out for the occasional meal and I've told the babysitter we'd be back by midnight but we always come home about half 9. I'll ask if she wants to go for a drink or 2 after dinner but she says she doesn't like going to the pub (which is surprising as she'll happily go with her friends)
We live in a fairly rural area too so there isn't much in the way of things to do. I've mentioned the odd band or 2 that have come to play but she always turns the invite down.
When ever I've mentioned that we don't spend enough time together she has agreed but then nothing seems to come of it.

[Confusednotcom]

I feel for you. I'd concentrate on doing things that make you feel good about yourself e.g. Pursue a hobby /interest and get a more independent lifestyle going if it's practical. Maybe she really is just tired but you need to find enjoyment in life and your other half doesn't seem to be able to support you in this for the time being.

[9troubledwaters]

I fell out of love with my husband when I lost respect for him cos he a was a lazy arse. Doesn't sound like you are though. Has she lost confidence herself for any reason lately?

[9troubledwaters]

Also he started deferring to me all the time 'what shall I dress the kids in' 'how shall I cook this pasta' etc drive me fucking mad like he was a child and needed telling what to do. No initiative of his own. You're not doing that are you?

[Lilacpink40]

Have you asked her how you could help around the house?
It may be that she thinks you're picking the easier jobs and she'd feel happier if you did other jobs. Also back / foot massages may help lead on to sex?

[9troubledwaters]

Don't ask just do! Nothing sexier than coming home to a clean house & dinner simmering away

[cheekyfunkymonkey]

Your post is all about sex, try not making it about sex. Nothing you have said suggests she doesn't love you.

[nicenewdusters]

You sound pretty self aware and like you're doing all the "right" things.

Does your wife do social stuff with her friends/family, e.g meals, drinking, cinema etc? Is it just with you she seems reluctant to arrange things?

Do you share the child care when you're at home? If you hadn't mentioned a babysitter I would have assumed from your post that you had no children.

Also, has there been a time when the situation was in reverse? By this I mean when your wife was looking to you to change/improve things in your relationship. Just wondering if there was because, if she felt you didn't step up, maybe she's resentful now?

[NoCapes]

Do you have kids? If so how old are they?

[Mantis1975]

9troubledwaters -
I fell out of love with my husband when I lost respect for him cos he a was a lazy arse. Doesn't sound like you are though. Has she lost confidence herself for any reason lately?

I try not to be but I might try to improve further just in case.
I know she gets irritated about not keeping on top of the housework and that she needs to lose weight.
I've said she might need to cut down on other projects to make time for the house and exercise but she has a hard time trusting others to do things correctly. (To be fair, from what she says her friends are useless )

[gleam]

Why do you 'help' around the house and not just do your 50%?

[leaveittothediva]

Well, you both can't go on like this, you have to have another talk with her, about how this is affecting you. She may have some medical reason for low sex drive. You don't mention children, so she must have a stressful job. She just may not want sex anymore, but you will have to get an answer from her either way. This can be solved, but only if she wants to aswell. You are doing plenty to be kind to her.So you are working on the relationship, but your getting no input from her. It needs to work both ways. It's weird how you withdrawing your affection, she looks for it. That's interesting. Ask her if she loves you anymore, because being scared that she doesn't is no use. Where does it get you. Get it all out in the open. She seemed to enjoy sex at one stage with you, ask her what's changed. I know a compromise can be made, you both need to be on board with it thought. Being rejected is not good. It takes its toll. I know it can work in some cases. Good luck.

[nicenewdusters]

So you "try" not to be a lazy arse but "might try" to improve further just in case. Strange statement. Quite at odds with your original post.

Has she said she needs to lose weight, or is that your opinion?

I don't get what her friends are useless at?

Maybe you're too transparent. Your wife is tired from childcare, working, projects etc, and your motivation for helping her is so that she's inclined to have sex with you. I'd be hoping my partner would be helping me because he cared for me and saw that I needed and deserved the help.

[Mantis1975]

Kids are 7 & 5.
She sometimes has workshops or days away so I look after the kids then. I always try to help out with them, doing homework etc.
There was a time when I definately could have taken more of an interest in her, interests but I wanted to give her her own space and I really didn't see the fun in them anyway. I've started to make more of an effort now that they have taken up more of her time.

As I said, she goes out drinking with friends every now and then but not really too much else.

Sorry, I didn't really make my original post clear. The sex aspect of it is sort of what made me look further and I'm worried it is because of emotional detachment or something.

[DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings]

You try to help out with your kids and help out around your home? And she still won't fuck you? Shocking! LTB.

[nicenewdusters]

OP. I don't want to come across as pedantic, but how people phrase things is often very interesting. You talk about looking after the kids when she's away, and use the dreaded phrase "help out". As a woman to a man, I can tell you there is little more infuriating than men who say they help out with their kids. The inference is that the parenting role by default falls to the mother, as she is female. The father will "help out" when asked or if he chooses to, for whatever reason.

I'm not saying that you are this sort of man. But perhaps you come across to your wife like that. You sound quite detached from each other. I guess the question is whether she's detached herself because she feels differently about you. Or, she's become so caught up with so many other things in her life that she's unintentionally pushed you out. You can only ask her, and hope she tells you the truth.

[Mantis1975]

I try not to be lazy in that try to do as much as I can between coming home from work at 6 and putting the kids to bed at half 8. I also try to spend a good portion of my weekend doing housework. I could always do more though.

She thinks she needs to lose weight. Medically speaking she is overweight but not by much and I think she still looks fantastic regardless.
Her friends are useless at arranging things. Fundraisers, workshops etc. My wife thinks she needs to take charge for all these sorts of things if they are going to happen.

I don't know what to do about being transparent though. I mean, sex isn't the only reason I help or want us to be closer but it was why i realised there is something wrong.

[nicenewdusters]

Ok. What if you turn this on it's head.

Let's say you had a satisfying sex life. Now take that out of the equation, how does the rest of your relationship look? Do you chat easily about day to day stuff? Do you laugh and have a joke about things? Do you confide in each other, ask each other's advice and opinions? How different is your relationship now to say, 3 years ago?

[Mantis1975]

I know what you mean about the "helping out" phrase and I understand. She is definitely the Alpha parent. When the kids need anything they will run right past me to her. (a fact that annoys both of us) I don't mean to say it is to do with gender it's just how our family has turned out as I'm sure there are many others where Dad is the Alpha.

We were closer 3 years ago. We still didn't have much time as a couple but we'd do more as a family. She had fewer commitments then as she has joined the running of more groups for the kids as they have got older.

[nicenewdusters]

It's really hard to say from the outside OP. Do you think she's just checked out from being a/your wife? She sounds like her life revolves around the children, her projects, and running groups connected to the children. Only she can tell you why. Maybe she's changed as time has gone on and this is where her passion now lies. I don't know how you change things around.

If you do raise the subject again, I wouldn't mention sex. I'd mention lack of closeness, going out together, interest in being a couple, being in sync with each other. Hopefully if these areas improve the rest will follow.

[Mantis1975]

Thanks for the advice.
It does feel as though our relationship has just been pushed further and further down the priority list.
It is really the closeness that I miss most. Sex just seemed to be how that is often expressed. It's not even sex itself I miss, more the foreplay. That intimacy.

[StrawberrytallCake]

Because you're putting so much emphasis on what you want her to do (have sex with you) it probably feels like another job for her, part of herself her family feel entitled to. Which might be a reason she doesn't want to.

What you're saying about sex is all about you, without concern for her. Why don't you try caring about her more, working out where you can share the responsibility in order to repair your relationship before stamping your feet because you're not getting sex.