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not spoken to my husband for 12 days

(33 Posts)
Bravenewworld1 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:35:56

this is a continuation from my other thread- I haven't spoken to my husband for 7 days.to summarise 12 days ago we had an argument. the general consensus from MN is that we were both at fault . I shouted while he said some really nasty things eg why don't you take some of your chill pills ( I am weaning myself antidepressants at the moment)

on day 8 or 9 - I tried to speak to him but was told to get lost as he had done nothing wrong and everything is my fault.

so this is the update- last night I couldn't sleep. I have been on a blow up bed in the living room during this whole situation. I was crying and feeling extremely upset. I was feeling desperate so I did something I should not have. I went up to his room at 5.00 in the morning . I didn't shout ( the kids were both asleep next door and I was desperate not to wake them. however I did I wake him up which he told me is abusive. I pleaded with him to talk to me. I told him I couldn't go on and I couldn't live like this and I would have to go move out with the kids if he wasn't prepared to talk. this was not a threat - it was how I felt . he didn't respond. I went back downstairs.

an hour later I called work and told them I could not come to work as I felt sick which was the truth. so a few hours later when kids were at school I went to his room and asked if we could talk yet again.
'why would I want to talk to you. you are abusive . you came into my room at 5 oclock and threatened to kidnap the kids.' I apologised I said I shouldn't have does this but was desperate and repeated that it has been 12 days. he then told me I was nasty person. hell to live with and general a horrible horrible person.

now I really really don't think I am. I asked him for examples. He told me I had been horrible the last time I met up with his friends. Now on that occasion we were all have a conversation in a pub and he had kicked me under the table ( not hard) he later told me I was hogging the conversation and had been rude. the thing is at the time I did say out loud why are you kicking me- as I was confused. obviously this was embarrising for him but I didn't mean to embarrass him. he mentioned other occasions where I really don't think I had been that bad.
however sometimes I doubt my own reality . I question myself- maybe I am a rude , horrible person.

later I went out to meet one of the friends who was there on the night in question. she told that I had not been rude at all just very chatty in the way that most people are when they are a bit tipsy and was really surprised.

what should I do

scallopsrgreat Mon 17-Oct-16 16:41:18

He is the abusive one. Please leave him.

He is violent. He is a sulker (classic abuse tactic). He likes to keep you where he wants you. He's treating you like this so you don't know which way is up. Ring Women's Aid. Please.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Oct-16 16:43:44

Well he clearly doesn't like you.
He thinks you are a 'horrible horrible person'
He also thinks you are 'hell to live with'
So WTF are you living with him.
I'd have been long gone.
He really does twist things though!
Kidnapping the kids?
You did NOT say that.
He stonewalls you and gaslights you.
Look them up.
Please get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that!
A call to Womens Aid wouldn't go amiss either.
Just to get some perspective on what you are living with.
From what little you've said here, there are red flying all over the place.
Call them - 0808 2000 247

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Oct-16 16:45:04

That is red FLAGS
And he's violent to boot.
Get away and do it soon.

hermione2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:46:16

I remember your earlier thread.

Good grief this man knows how to hold a grudge! I really don't think you can do more. He is in a victim mood, refusing to talk or see anything from your side. I would back off for your own sake as he will use any interaction with you to define your 'abusiveness'. He is not looking to resolve the situation - we might be able to guess at reasons but only he will know why.

Is this highly unusual for this to happen in previous arguments?

scallopsrgreat Mon 17-Oct-16 16:48:40

Just read your previous thread. Most people, especially towards the end recognised the problem is with him and you are reacting out of frustration.

And don't ask him about the ways in which you are 'abusive'. That is just an excuse for him to be nasty to you with (in his mind) your permission.

CannotEvenDeal Mon 17-Oct-16 16:49:00

Get OUT of there. He sounds awful

hermione2016 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:50:01

FYI, I was told by a counsellor, if you feel confused in a discussion with someone (when you know you are trying to be clear and explain yourself) you are being manipulated.

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:50:20

Eugh, what a horrible horrible man he is; it's him not you, he punishes you for whatever crap he comes up with in his head; an excuse basically to treat you like shit and then blame you for his own actions.

I'd not carry on OP, the relationship sounds dead in the water; he actually sounds like he hates you, I'd call his bluff and say you want to call it a day.

As for the kicking you under the table, his control is both mental and physical, - to keep you in your place of course and ensure you are always on the back foot wondering if it was something you said, done.

You do realise this is not a normal relationship and to be showing this to your children is just sad, they will think this normal and copy and emulate similar situations, this will become their norm too.

Mollymollymandy123 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:51:46

Brave- is there a possibility there's something else going on? My dh behaved like this for several months almost 2 years ago. He was a master at making me think I was mad & bad, his ability to convince me everything was my fault was astonishing. I found myself thinking "no wonder he doesn't want to speak to me I am awful", it transpired he had an ow. While I'm not suggesting this is the case here it is possible there is a reason behind his abuse. I would investigate. Meanwhile try to find strength, you do not deserve this.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 17-Oct-16 16:55:03

Obviously the relationship is over, what's your housing, finance situation?

winkywinkola Mon 17-Oct-16 17:08:52

Don't do this to yourself anymore.

Stop asking him to talk to you. It's demeaning and he is treating you with contempt.

He is vile, cruel and vindictive.

I would ask him to leave.

You do not deserve this kind of awful treatment from anyone let alone the person with whom you are in a relationship.

Could he be having an affair, do you think?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 17-Oct-16 17:11:55

See a solicitor about divorce, that's what you should do. He is revolting.

BantyCustards Mon 17-Oct-16 17:12:35

I stand by what I said in the last thread: he is a vile abusive bastard.

notapizzaeater Mon 17-Oct-16 17:14:43

Why are you still there ? No man would leave his partner sleeping on an air bed for 12 nights

Soubriquet Mon 17-Oct-16 17:14:55

Well done to him. He has managed to completely turn the situation on its head so it's all your fault and he is completely innocent. And you believe him.

He will stay like that for the rest of his life. Thinking he can do no wrong.

Please leave him. This is not your fault. You have tried and he has constantly rebuffed you. He is the "horrible horrible person"

LIZS Mon 17-Oct-16 17:19:16

It takes two to make a relationship work and he only wants it on his terms. Stop demeaning yourself in pleading with him and show him you mean business by leaving or getting him to.

Bravenewworld1 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:26:57

ok- I have just sorted an appointment with a counsellor on Wednesday to speak things through. I have spoken to my best friend on the phone who has told me that I should go straight to her flat if I feel desperate and attempt to talk to him again. I will also go to hers tomorrow to talk things through. I have the address of 2 law firms and maybe I will go and have a talk with them. thank you all so much.x

walkerandtexasranger Mon 17-Oct-16 17:28:02

What would you tell your friend or sister if they told you what you have posted here? Would you say 'oh yes. I boring each other and sleeping on an inflatable bed is totally normal'.
You know deep down this is wrong and you need to hold on to the rational sane person deep inside that is making you question this behaviour. That voice is the one you need to listen to.

My relationship is by no means perfect but I would be flummoxed if my DH ignored me for more than a hour or two to cool down. It isn't normal, adult behaviour.

walkerandtexasranger Mon 17-Oct-16 17:28:37

* I boring= ignoring. Damn phone.

user1471462290 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:46:46

Please leave him,

He is the abuser not you xxxxxxxx

adora1 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:06:24

All the best OP, you sound lovely and don't deserve this, it's all very hurtful, lean on your friends, they will want to be there to help.

Whisky2014 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:12:11

Jesus he is horrible. Please leave him!

Whisky2014 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:12:44

Have you asked if why hes with you of youre so horrible?

Happybunny19 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:32:55

Well done Brave, you've done the right thing contacting your friend and she sounds really supportive, I'm glad you have someone to talk to and stay with if necessary. Like earlier posters have said, who would leave their OH sleeping downstairs on a bloody airbed for 12 days? That's so cruel and uncaring I really can't believe it. I can't imagine not speaking for that long either. How does he keep the sulk and anger going for so long? Does he have form for this level of extreme sulking?

I don't think you can do anything else. He's rebuffed all attempts to make up and added to the hurt with his awful comments. How long have you been married and has he always been so horrible?

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