Back Again!! Advise on divorce. Webcam sex chats and more!

[Chele72]

Hi, I was here a few months ago as I found out my husband who I only married last year had two children that he had never told me about and all his family turned against me as if its nothing to do with me!
I kicked him out after his mother texted me to tell me to mind my own business. Three days later we went to a Relate session and he told me everything. I decided to let him back to give it another go.
I didn't mention the children or anything so we could move forward and he said he would do all he could to make our marriage work but he did nothing! He still lived in the house with my grown up son, daughter and baby granddaughter but didn't speak to anyone! He would go to another room if any of us were in the same room. It was like he no longer wanted to be part of the family.
I looked at his bank statement yesterday to discover that he has been going on an adult live cam site (Adultworks - shows up as AWorks on statements) loads of times for months.
He has been paying £30, £40 and £50 each time, 3 times per week!
I also found a theatre ticket in there for a show I had not been to but he denies he went and said he bought it for a colleague at work for him and his wife - so why did he have one of the ticket stubs?? Makes no sense!
Anyway, he admitted that he has been going to a dark quiet road 3 nights a week after work and logging on to these escorts. He has been chatting and they strip and do all sorts of nasty things for him while he masturbates! I am completely ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with him and kicked him out immediately!
He thinks that this is just porn but in my eyes it is not! He is paying for this service!
Am I being unreasonable?

[adora1]

No you are not being unreasonable, I hope you never see the sleazy git again if you have any sense.

[Johnstonbananas]

You are not being unreasonable at all.

Not meaning to be harsh but does he actually want to be in a relationship with you? He said he wants to make it work but seems to be wanting to try and push you away.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It was like he no longer wanted to be part of the family
This is what you need to focus on.
He doesn't want to be part of YOUR family.
Your DC or your DGC. He even removes himself from the room.
That must leave a horrible atmosphere in the whole house.
He's gone.
Leave him gone.
He's a sleazy git who you do not need in your life.
And he's probably been unfaithful to boot.
Or at least trying to be - buying theatre tickets etc...
He really really is not worth another thought in your head.
Enjoy your freedom away from this prize prick and his awful family.

[Chele72]

I have made the decision to divorce the scum bag because I just cant put up with his lies and deceit any longer
Ive been getting texts all day saying that hes useless, ugly and not worthy of living!
Hes such an arsehole trying to make me feel guilty!
I did not deserve to marry such a liar!
He seems to think that him going on webcams etc is just the same as watching porn but not in my eyes its not! He was paying for women, I use the term loosely-pardon the pun- to strip, play with themselves etc and to talk dirty to him while he sat in his car in a dark road sleazily playing with himself!
I don't deserve that and my family do not deserve to live with an idiot who doesn't want to be in the same room as them!
I don't want to pay £550 to start the divorce though as its his fault we are in this state. What can I do?

[HandyWoman]

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Surely £550 to get rid is a bargain!!!

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Next time he starts his pity party tell him for once you agree with him!!

Then offer to help him pack...

[Chele72]

Totally agree with you hellsbellsmelons
Its just so weird that he was a totally different person until I found out he had two children that he has nothing to do with (just bungs the mother £500 pm) they are 10 and 12!

[NotTheFordType]

He was paying for women, I use the term loosely

You're suggesting that sex workers aren't women?

What's the housing situation - do you own or rent jointly? If there's no marital property to be split then you may as well just file for divorce now. You could try waiting two years and then ask him to split the cost perhaps?

Ive been getting texts all day saying that hes useless, ugly and not worthy of living!

Good thing you don't have any DC together. This kind of emotional blackmail is hard enough to deal with as an adult, let alone from a parent.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You can turn your phone off or just block him a while to get him out of your head-space.
The self-pity party on his part, you do not need right now.
If he ramps up the text to sounding like suicide, call his wonderful family and tell them they need to sort him out.
Leave him to it and ignore him.
See if you can get a free half hour with solicitor to find out about divorce proceedings and costs.
You don't sound too enmeshed and it's been short lived so it should be pretty straight forward.
Ask him for the money and see what he says (once you've given yourself some space)

[Chele72]

NotTheFordType I don't know what I mean but the pictures I saw of the escorts were not exceptionally attractive!
I rent the house alone so theres no problem there. I kicked him out last night anyway and hes staying with his brother.
He took my wedding and engagement ring worth £7k so he has a few months rent in those for a flat!
I will have to wait until after Christmas if I have to pay to file for a divorce as money is tight as I have my 25 year old daughter, a 1.5 year old granddaughter, a 21 year old son and his pregnant 20 year old GF living with me at the moment. My kids help out but my husband would pay the rent and for the shopping whilst I would pay all the bills.
I really want to get this divorce moving but at the moment I cant afford it.

[Chele72]

hellsbellsmelons Thanks. I have already told our sister in law who hes staying with that hes feeling all sorry for himself and that he is slyly threatening suicide so someone else knows.
He wouldn't do it anyway, he just wants sympathy but I have none for him!
We were together for 5 years before we got married last August and am totally shattered by this revelation and don't know how Im keeping it together at work to be honest.
Thanks for the advice, Ill see if I can get some free from a solicitor. If not, I will have to get this money together to get the ball rolling.
Blocking him is a good idea if he continues trying to emotionally blackmail me! Hes being really unfair!

[NotTheFordType]

I don't know what I mean but the pictures I saw of the escorts were not exceptionally attractive!

So only women who are exceptionally attractive are real women. Got you.

Can I suggest you turn your anger towards your STBXH rather than women who are working for a living and certainly don't have any responsibility to keep your marriage going.

[Chele72]

NotTheFordType What is your problem? Can you not see Im going through enough crap as it is without you adding unnecessary comments?
Im sorry if Im offending you with my comments on the sluts hes been shagging!

[Chele72]

My anger is all at my husband. I know these women are just trying to earn a living and more fool the prick for paying for their services!

[Chele72]

Are you being serious NotTheFordType ?
Can you get any more hurtful?

[Chele72]

NotTheFordType Seriously???
Can you be any more hurtful?

[NotTheFordType]

Yes, I could get a lot more hurtful, but I won't.

So far you've claimed that I and my colleagues aren't women, or we're not real women unless we're exceptionally attractive, and that we're all sluts. So I don't think you're really pointing ALL your anger at your STBXH.

[MostlyHet]

Chele - sorry you're going through this. Divorce the bastard and never look back.

NotTheFordType - by all means start a thread about society's attitudes towards women engaged in sex work, but really, this is not the thread to launch into an attack on OP who is understandably devastated by what her scummy husband has been up to.

[adora1]

Do not be fooled by the crocodile tears, if you had not found out he'd still be paying for sex with your money, some men are just beyond help.

That's not even getting into the fact he has two children that you knew nothing about, I'd guess you really don't know this man very well at all and chalk it up to experience, next time, don't be so naïve and make sure you are 100% happy before giving yourself again.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This is the 'relationships' board.
We are supportive over here.
We are here for people who need some help and kindness.
So NotTheFord off you pop to AIBU and have a go at someone over there.
Do NOT derail supportive threads when the OP is having a perfectly acceptable rant!!! and a clearly fucking awful time of it right now!!!

[Montane50]

^ ^ everything that everyone has said about noford. Its an unnecessary diversion op and 'its' not worth worrying about (you can only hope your husband is one of her clients as they sound as rank and well matched as each other).

[JackandDiane]

Ahasn - posting a death threat is against the law

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