Feeling like 'a woman' again

[FSVC]

Recently separated from spouse who didn't want me sexually at all. My confidence is shot to shit. Any suggestions?
I feel like I've shut that part of me down despite having relatively high sex drive - I do think about sex and do enjoy DIY (sorry if too much info!) but can't imagine ever being with anyone again, I know I relate to men in a very chaste way now and I hate my post kids body.
Trying to do a bit of a makeover but don't have lots of spare money. Not sure what I want, maybe a flirt? Most of my friends are partnered up which means my social life is very 'cosy'.
I just feel totally disconnected from my body somehow! It doesn't matter now but I would like to feel as if it's possible I might one day at least have a kiss with someone

I think I'm just very confused...I don't want to meet anyone but I want to be ok if I do in a year or two!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

What about doing something for your body. I've just run a 5k after not being able to run at all. It's taken a while! It's made me feel good. But anything; yoga on YouTube, but of meditation...

Give yourself a chance to heal.

[user1476596036]

Physical sport/exercise is very therapeutic and will also boost the serotonin levels and also your confidence.

I have a recumberant exercise bike at home and swear by it and in addition now ds is nearly 12 I will be going to the local aqua aerobics class once evening a week.

[MinnowAndTheBear]

Following on from the above comments, I would suggest joining a running club/cycling club, gym class etc which is likely to have a good mix of men and women. This will also give you the opportunity to broaden your social circle in a setting where you are known simply as "you" rather than "X's ex-wife/mother/friend", iyswim?

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

I get it completely, FSVC. And would agree with doing something like yoga which encourages you to reconnect with your body.

[Madinche1sea]

Absolutely agree about joining a running club and building to do a 5K run like Mrs TP. Beginners in the club I go to just do 1 min walking, 1 min running and build from there. You'll be amazed what your body can do if you give it a chance!
Also, I would really recommend pilates - not necessarily the large group classes, but 2/3 people to 1 teacher sessions using the reformer equipment etc. You have to know you're doing it right for the exercises to be effective and this can get missed in a larger class. It's fantastic for the core muscles and anyone can do it. I had 4 DC and it's all I needed to get the abs back each time.
If you really want to kick start your "new body" you could try a super juice detox for a week. Loads of online options, though none of them are exactly cheap. You would probably lose about 5lbs. Just be careful not to over eat the next week! Then go out and treat yourself to some new clothes.
Even though you say most of your friends are married etc, I'm sure they'd only be to glad to get away for a spa day or something.
Good luck. Even if you do one thing for yourself before Xmas it will be a boost and who knows where you'll be this time next year.

[FSVC]

I do actually exercise quite a bit, already in a running club. I don't marvel at my abilities, I think Jesus you fat lump you're so slooooow and compare myself with all the women who were obviously good at PE and probably weighed nine stone pregnant with twins!
I just saw a comedy sketch where the guy said he didn't fantasise about having sex with women other than his wife cos he'd have to be in the fantasy, that's how I feel!
It's not really about how I look, though, my H was still rejecting me when I looked slim/good and I've had great sex in the past when rather 'out of condition', it's the fact I just can't relate to men like that any more I think? BTW I am not on a 'spa day' budget plus they're my idea of hell!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Give yourself time. When my ExH left I thought I would feel unattractive forever. Gradually over time I learnt to love and value myself. Now I have met someone else who loves and values me too and we can't keep our hands off each other.

[Zoflorabore]

Hi again op :)

I'm still in a relationship with someone I love so much but who doesn't want to really have sex at all- he's just turned 40, I'm 38.

It knocks you- massively.
I fantasise about a bloody one night stand who can't get enough of me
I haven't got a massive sex drive by any means but his is pretty non existent, makes me sad that my 70 yr old neighbours in our close are having more sex than us ( recent party at other neighbours house and very drunk husband was detailing their favourite positions, I was almost sick in a bush )
Well done for having the strength to move on, I have no clue how this will pan out.
Be kind to yourself, enjoy your DIY and make the best of what you have, there is nothing more attractive than someone finding you irresistible even with bed head and no make up etc and that's a feeling I would love to experience.
Best of luck x

[FSVC]

Oh Zoflorabore I know just how you feel. It really made me so sad, does your partner know how you feel? It's been hard getting to this point (we did try counselling) but at least there's a tiny chance now that one day I could be in Lonecat's shoes and that's less lonely somehow. I miss sex but not having it because I'm alone is less worse than feeling rejected all the time. It felt like such a trivial reason to break up a family (still does some days) but I'm happier and more present for my kids so hopefully it'll work out. I couldn't stand the thought of getting to 50 and feeling the same way, it was grinding me down so much.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

FSVC after my marriage broke up I thought I would never want sex again. I also thought it was me who was 'broken'.
I have learnt that one of the problems was that my Ex only wanted sex, he did not want intimacy. It was not an equal partnership and this lead to me not wanting sex.
My new partner tells me several times a day just how gorgeous he finds me and how much he desires me. He travels a lot and will texts or emails that leave me in no doubt where he would rather be.
Don 'tell give up hope, I almost had.

[FSVC]

Where did you find him?!?! I'm putting the cart before the horse a bit, the only single straight man I know is my postie and he's lovely but definitely not my type!

[Blobby10]

FSVC I know exactly how you feel and am in the same boat. I signed up for match.com but unfortunately men dont seem read profiles they just look at the pictures hence my messages from short men with nothing in common with me! Like you I dont really want another relationship but it would be nice to be flirted with, snogged, shagged (!) just enough to make me feel good again.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

FSVC surprisingly I found him on Tinder, there are some good ones out there. It's not all perfect he has a job that is very demanding with long hours and lots of foreign travel so we don't see each other as much as we would like.

[MariposaUno]

Give yourself time op and as pp''s have suggested exercise or socialise and gain confidence that way.

It took me a few years to gain confidence and learn what I wanted in the bedroom, selfish men and people pleaser ways did that.

I wouldn't recommend throwing yourself in the ring just yet, there's lots of user men out there and confidence and self assurance would help massively to deal with it.

[YetAnotherGuy]

Forget what your XH thought

Remember that you have to find only one person who thinks you're great. That isn't difficult. Men will be far less critical than you are. And even if you were some gorgeous female icon, you would probably still have a negative self-image

Refresh your look. Get some honest opinions from others on your best hairstyle. Don't choose clothes online or on your own

Take some of the advice offered above

Relax!

[FSVC]

I'm laughing at 'don't choose clothes online or on your own' because that's all I do! I'm pretty happy with my clothes, they aren't all that 'man pleasing' but I have always dressed for myself. I think I just need to go out a lot and maybe I'll meet somebody and maybe I won't. A shag would be good someday though the stupid thing is I was very confident in bed before things went wrong with xh, I kind of suspect I just need a quick go to get back into it!

[YetAnotherGuy]

I was only trying to be helpful ...

You said you were trying to do a bit of a makeover. Well why not start with some other viewpoints? Why wouldn't you?

I know someone who always chooses online or on her own, and her choice is really pretty poor to be frank. But I don't think she wants to change

My DW is often very surprised at what I think I look good in - apparently I look at stuff which makes me look even more ancient. And I recently chose something for her (in a dress agency, so we're not talking megacash here) which she says she would never have picked up on her own, and even she agrees she looks great in it