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First relationship post separation- too soon? Am I being a twat?

(19 Posts)
SicknSpan Mon 17-Oct-16 01:04:19

Stbxh and i separated in January 2016. Not divorced yet, making big efforts (on both parts) to be amicable as poss for our 3 kids sake as well as our own and I still love him non-romantically- but I remain 100% sure that divorce is the right thing for me.

I have been on a few dates and had a couple of bedroom romps but nothing serious, and I know that exh has too which I'm fine with.

But now, totally unexpectedly and withaout looking for it I've met someone I really, really like and I'm so scared of getting involved. It's too soon isn't it? I'm still dealing with the breakup of my marriage and all the shenanigans that divorce entails. The new chap and I have an amazing connection and every time I see him it feels like coming home, the sense of being at ease and safety and being myself is quite mind blowing.

I guess I don't trust my judgement because the received wisdom is that after divorce you're supposed be on your own for years, "finding yourself" and learning to be happy single before getting into another relationship. But he makes me feel so happy and I don't know whether my heart is getting carried away when really I should be living the life of a hermit, healing myself and doing yoga or summat.

So am I being a twat?

AfterSun Mon 17-Oct-16 01:16:44

I'm in the same position but about 9 months on. I too met my bloke less than a year after we separated, but divorce etc still going on.

It's working so far, but sometimes I have reactions which show how I'm affected by my marriage and that I didn't give myself enough
time to be single.

I don't know what the answer is - I wasn't looking for anyone and it seems silly to pass up a good relationship just because of timing, but I do worry that long-term lack of 'healing time' might cause a problem.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 17-Oct-16 01:44:34

I think you are being daft potentially giving up on what sounds like an amazing relationship because supposedly you should give yourself time to heal. Yes that may be true for some people but it's not a law. Not everyone is the same.

You can still do yoga!!!

SicknSpan Mon 17-Oct-16 01:47:01

Aftersun thats just it. Am I making a mistake by not having some healing time? I really doubt my judgement.

Glad things are good with your fella though- but what sort of rections do you mean?

SicknSpan Mon 17-Oct-16 01:50:22

*reactions, obv notvrections! Dur, soz.

hotwaterbottle see thats what my heart is saying. But can I trust it at the mo? I don't want to hurt my new guy if I'm going to need more time later down the line, he's so great and deserves to have someone who isn't...well who isn't being a twat basically!

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 17-Oct-16 01:54:24

But what do you need time for? If your new guy is a good guy he will understand you need space sometimes to just be you. You seem to be battling with an unwritten law about having time to heal. You don't know what's round the corner. Seize happiness with both hands. I am flowers

LesisMiserable Mon 17-Oct-16 06:47:19

If its the right person the timing doesnt matter. Of course you're in the first flushes where everything feels good so who can tell? Live for today and enjoy it 😊

elmo1980 Mon 17-Oct-16 06:47:39

I met my new dp 2 months after leaving my ex. Two and a half years later we are still very happy and expecting our first. Would I have liked more healing time? Possibly, but if I hadn't allowed myself to explore new relationship I may not be where I am now.

The past is in the past you can heal whilst moving on.

Enjoy it and congratulations!

TheNaze73 Mon 17-Oct-16 07:48:08

It's all down to the individual, there's no right or wrong. I needed 2-3 years after I ended my marriage before I'd even consider anything like that however, everyone is different

PirateCatOvenGloveOption Mon 17-Oct-16 07:52:57

Go with the flow. You sound pretty sorted regarding your STBXH and not totally heartbroken so crack on I say. grin

jeaux90 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:40:41

Yep crack on, you only live once. Just be aware there are times when you will need your own space after a break up so make sure you take time when you need it xxx

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Oct-16 08:49:24

If it's making you happy then there's no reason to just call it all off because of 'what we are supposed to do'
This is your life and you know yourself best.
Enjoy it and see how it goes.
Don't put pressure on yourself just go with the flow.

I split from my ExH when I found out about his affair in August.
We told our DD in October. He moved out in April of the next year (oh yeah.. that was a fun time)
I was seeing someone else by the November.
It was on and off a bit as we were both in similar situations.
But we've been together for 5 years now.
There's no 'rule' to this. This is up to you.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 17-Oct-16 08:56:50

I have thought hard about answering your post, but I agree with everyone there are no rules.
I did spend four years find myself (well my self-esteem) after ExH left. In the summer made the decision to start dating. Found myself a little blown away that the very first person I met was like I had found my other half. After a period of being frankly terrified of how I felt I decided to just accept that sometimes fate takes a hand.
Go with it enjoy yourself we have to take what happiness we can when it comes along.

0dfod Mon 17-Oct-16 09:28:27

Carpe diem Op flowers

Danceintherain2015 Mon 17-Oct-16 13:55:20

Agree with PP's ! Take it slowly and don't be pushed if you don't want it ! If your DP is a good man he will understand and go with your pace !

I met my DP 11 months after my separation - wasn't looking for it , didn't really want it - I told him that early on! However he made me happy and I was worried if I let him go I might regret it for the rest of my days as we got on so well and he made me so happy ! Still together 4 years later ! And still as happy 😍

Use the mantra - Go with the flow and take it slow !!

SicknSpan Mon 17-Oct-16 21:12:47

Thank you everyone. I am still a bit scared of what I might be getting into but I'm feeling at least that I'm not a total fruitloop for even considering it!!.

elliepac Mon 17-Oct-16 21:39:44

You are definitely not a fruitloop..when it is right, it is right. There are no guarantees of course but you would be mad to let the chance slip you by. I split from my ex in June 2014. I started dating in the February of the next year, fully expecting just a bit of fun, nothing more nothing else. I had emotionally checked out of my marriage a long time before that but my self esteem was damaged. I met DP in the March and just knew he was right amd had that same sense of being myself like you had, had never felt that way before. I was upfront with him from the start about my insecurities and he was brilliant. He has completed me...fixed me. Over 18 months in and I am happier than I have ever been. Give it a chance...what have you got to losesmile.

GipsyDanger Mon 17-Oct-16 21:52:27

Better to have loved and lost and all that wink

redisthenewblack Mon 17-Oct-16 22:04:39

My mum met her DP 1 month after separating from my dad. 15 years, a marriage, 2 DC, and 3DGC down the line they're still the happiest couple I know.

I met my DP 3 months after my separation (also in Jan 2016) I'm now divorced and never been happier than I am with my DP.

I 100% understand what you mean about being able to be 'you' again. My DP brings out all the best bits in me and he shrugs off the worst bits. I feel comfortable, content, under no pressure. It's bliss. he's also incredibly hot wink

When you clickn with someone you can't help it. Go with the flow and enjoy it. I hope you're very happy. smileflowers

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