Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this the end?

(26 Posts)
Yonosemanana Sat 15-Oct-16 15:14:54

Really sorry, very long, if you make it to the end I'd appreciate thoughts!
DH been together 5 years, married for 3. Whirlwind romance, moving countries to be together, he is younger- only about 5 years but might be relevant. One 8 month baby.
Ever since we got married DH has a habit of going MIA, no contact, not reachable, nights out become 12 hour long events. At first it had me frantic with worry in case something had happened, but this soon wore down to anger and resentment at him acting this way.
Things improved when I was pregnant but it still happened and I came close to ending it then, but was too scared of being a single parent.
Unfortunately this is still happening even now and it makes me even more angry as obviously he does it knowing full well my evenings are spent with baby- EBF so still lots of night waking. And because he doesn't get home until mid morning sometimes I've had to cancel gym classes etc- I really value them as 'me' time and as DH works shifts I'm lucky to be able to do them..
The nights out I may be able to over look as 'just the way he is' but to add to matters he lies about them quite a lot- I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating, but he pretends he had to work late or has issues with transport home instead of admiting he has been out. Also money is tight due to me being on mat leave and we had over draft charges due to him spending over our budget- on taxis and alcohol. Again this is lied about and only admited when cornered.
So often we are arguing at home, he is guilty and sad, I am angry and sad.
Despite all this I love him and panic to think of my life without him - when things are good they are amazing and my heart melts when I see him caring for baby. But I don't see how we can continue. Is this worth ending a marriage over or should I stay and slog it out- and if the latter, how?

RandomMess Sat 15-Oct-16 15:20:38

Yes it's the end it's only going to get worse.

Tell him it's over the next time it happens - you are his last priority - it's all him, him, him. What example is that to your DC, why do you want a partner who is uncommitted and absent? Doesn't sound like love more like co-dependency.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 15-Oct-16 15:26:03

Do you want this to be the rest of your life?

The problem is you can only give one ultimatum - and be ready and able to carry it out

QuiteLikely5 Sat 15-Oct-16 15:26:26

Most bad men have goodness inside them but unfortunately it is the bad part of them that their wives get fed up of!

I think it's the beginning of the end but the end probably won't come so soon since you love him.

What I would say is why spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you and treats you like an option?

Much better to let your child witness positive relationship dynamics

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 15-Oct-16 15:26:57

Unless he can change this behaviour immediately I'm not sure how you can stay, he is disrespectful to you and you can't trust him.

saltededamummy Sat 15-Oct-16 15:35:15

Is he jealous of your baby?
Has he moved around a lot to avoid something, maybe responsibility?
He certainly sounds like he has something going on - & it's turning him into a selfish man-child.
You don't need him in your life if this is how he behaves; your child doesn't need to be exposed to this type of behaviour.
I'd ask him to leave (quite assertively!)
Best wishes.

ICuntSeeYourPoint Sat 15-Oct-16 15:42:47

He's a real selfish prick. I can see why you're at the end of your tether with it. Tbh the only thing I can't see is how or why the fuck you have put up with this shit for 5 years and had a child with him. It's the end if you say it is, and you'd be perfectly reasonable to do so. 5 years and a wife and child is enough time and reason to get your shit together and start being responsible, if it hasn't happened so far you'd have to be pretty optimistic to think things are going to change now.

Emmageddon Sat 15-Oct-16 15:45:41

Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Either the nights out stop, and he becomes the husband and father you want him to be, or you end the marriage. It sounds as if he is still living the life of a single man, and only occasionally steps up to the mark as a parent, and very rarely as a husband. You don't want this uncertainty hanging over you and you don't need your child to think this is normal behaviour.

SleepingTiger Sat 15-Oct-16 15:56:04

My initial thoughts;

1. Get some self esteem. You are a mother and that's enough.

2. Why is it relevant that he is younger by 5 years?

3. MIA for 12 hours is not responsible when you have a baby together. The alcohol is a big problem. His. Not yours.

4. Don't be scared to be a single parent. You are your children's mother. Always. Nobody is joined at the hip.

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Oct-16 16:48:04

He sounds really awful. You must be in a constant state of stress.

Where does he say he is when he's MIA? I would bet my house he's with another woman, personally.

CockacidalManiac Sat 15-Oct-16 16:53:23

Are you 100% sure he's not cheating? Occam's Razor would generally imply that he might be.

TheNaze73 Sat 15-Oct-16 17:10:07

The only one who can answer this, is you. Not many people would accept his behaviour however, what are the reasons? What's changed since you got married?

Can you explain why you think his age is relevant?

sandragreen Sat 15-Oct-16 17:16:12

What on earth is he telling you he is doing out all night? I would have thrown him out the first time, it's horribly disrespectful.

I really hope it wasn't you who "moved countries" OP as you may be stuck there now as you have DC together?

Yonosemanana Sat 15-Oct-16 17:57:10

Thanks for all the replies..they've kind of underlined what I think I know deep down.
He moved country to be with me, so that and the fact he is younger I kind of gave him some leeway at first I suppose- he wanted to establish friendships, had some steam to blow off?
That's also one of the reasons I've kind of always given in to giving an ultimatum to, as where would he go? (His words to me)
And he is always so contrite and sorry, but what you are all saying is what I've been feeling and saying for a while, if you really love someone you'd treat them with more respect...I get the co dependency thing and I have questioned if he is with me more now because it is practical for him 😟 I'm the higher earner (not at mo due to mat) and if he was on his own he'd definitely not be living in as much comfort..
As for the self esteem, I've always considered myself a 'strong woman' but clearly not as I'm so scared about making this step.
I don't know if a temporary separation might be what's needed to wake him up to what he is risking losing - not just being with us day to day but also potentially losing the right to remain in the country if we do end things completely, which would be awful for our baby...

Yonosemanana Sat 15-Oct-16 17:59:49

Most of the time he goes to all night bars - lots where we live and he finishes work late.. and crashes with friends mostly. According to him. But my gut instinct with the cheating is that he isn't - I always sense when he is lying and when he says he isn't with another woman I do believe him. In my mind, it doesn't make much difference though, the behaviour is still causing me pain.

Strawberry90 Sat 15-Oct-16 18:02:29

Personally I wouldn't make any decisions until your baby is a year old - the first year is so stressful and puts pressure on you both.
Try and temporary seperation and see what happens

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Oct-16 18:04:57

He's doing it knowing it hurts you. Every hour of the night he's away, he knows you're tormented by it and also that your freedom to do something as simple as go to the gym is removed because of his actions.

I would give him a short, sharp shock. Tell him to get out, that you're not putting up with it any longer.

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Oct-16 18:05:26

It's not putting pressure on him! He's going out drinking all night.

Monkeyface26 Sat 15-Oct-16 18:09:14

What would he do if you went to a gym class and didn't come back for 12 hours? I know this probably isn't realistic - you are EBF and 2 wrongs don't make a right etc but can't help feeling that a dose of his own medicine might wake him up a bit. He is being a bloody man-child and needs to grow the hell up.

sandragreen Sat 15-Oct-16 18:10:53

It doesn't sound great when you put it all together does it? Younger man from abroad, whirlwind romance, needs to be married in order to live in UK, once here he goes MIA all the time, needs OP to fund his lifestyle.

How did you meet? What do your friends/family think about the dreadful way he has been treating you?

Why are you tolerating this?

Yonosemanana Sat 15-Oct-16 18:48:14

I know on paper it looks dodgy; but there is no doubt in my mind that thecrelationship is or was the real deal- obviously not at the moment.. the long term plan is not to stay in the U.K. this was only meant to be temporary so I could finish my studies (gov funded so didn't want to miss the deadline for completion) but what with baby etc we decided to make it a few more years so that he might be eligible for citizenship, as then we'd have had more freedom to move between the two countries. And whirlwind for me- not talking weeks!!! But just under a year before he proposed, and that for me is a whirlwind.

nicenewdusters Sat 15-Oct-16 19:04:09

The killer for me would be that he knows he's hurting you, but still chooses to do it. He'd rather be out drinking with - well, who knows who - than enjoying this precious time at home with his wife and first child.

If he wants to be single grant him his wish. If it means he has to leave the country he has nobody to blame but himself.

You'll be fine as a single parent.

Churchillian Sat 15-Oct-16 20:29:12

Outwardly I'm in a similar situation to you - younger partner, from a different country, whirlwind romance, two small children and we only met 5 years ago. I'm also the higher earner. We are not married though. However my partner has never gone MIA or on all night drinking binges (well only with me before I got pregnant). He goes out maybe once or twice a month as do I, for a few hours and is reliably home on time. I don't think that you can continue to use the facts of your situation to excuse his behaviour, so he needs to either stop or you need to get him to leave, as this is clearly making you unhappy. Good luck with whatever happens.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 15-Oct-16 20:40:25

I think making bad choices consistently as an adult is a really bad sign that they have no intention of changing. You shouldn't have to threaten him with being homeless and deported for him to listen to you.

He's hurting you and taking bloody advantage of you. You need to get more angry than sad about this and take control

ravenmum Sat 15-Oct-16 20:46:58

Are you both very young, if five years makes a difference?

You ask where he would go if he left. He'd have to find himself a place to live, the same as any other single man who doesn't have parents nearby. Don't let him persuade you that him being from abroad means you are responsible for him. If you have children abroad you are signing up to life abroad, whatever turn your marriage takes.

Have a proper look into his rights to stay in the country with his child. I'd imagine he has some...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now