Lying about smoking.

[everythingis]

I gave dp an ultimatum that he could not move in with my kids and I unless he stopped smoking. He knew this was a deal breaker. He stopped smoking. That was a year ago. In between now and then I have found evidence (maybe anyway) that he has been smoking. The first time I found tobacco and papers in his work van - he said they were underneath other stuff when he emptied it and simply handed them to me and asked me to bin them which I did. There was nothing for months after that. Then I found 3 fag buts in the bin in the garage when I was emptying it - similar unconcerned response. To be fair he could have done a much better job hiding them if he needed to.
Sometimes he comes back from work and I'm sure he smells of smoke but he works with various heavy machines. I can't be 100% sure. He always denies smoking.
This week a colleague told me she saw him at the weekend in x town. He was there working. She said oh I waved but he didn't see me he was rolling a cigarette. Dp response was 'how could she have seen me I was on a building site all day with off road parking and if I was driving then I am way up in the van and she's down in an Audi saloon car how could she see that?' I have a vague notion in hindsight that she knows I asked him to stop smoking.

Sorry for the essay. Dp is going through a brutally stressful experience at the moment. I can forgive the odd cigarette it's the lying. I can't help feeling if he can lie that easily about this then what else is he lying about. Or can it be lying exclusively about smoking?

[Lweji]

Why did you give that ultimatum?

[MidnightVelvetthe7th]

Smoking is a strange one, I used to smoke & will tell you that I could lie about smoking every day til I'm blue in the face but would not lie about other stuff.

The problem is that its an addiction & its not an addiction he wants to give up, he is being made to give it up. And if you don't truly want to give up an addiction then you won't.

He could quite easily be lying about smoking but not lying about anything else.

[Missyaggravation]

I have known a few people who only smoke when apart from their partner, they were not generally dishonest people, but nicotene is a hard drug to kick. Id actually be flattered that he loved me enough to not smoke when he was with me, but maybe im easily pleased

[everythingis]

I don't want anyone smoking around the kids. Thinking back I told him when we were first dating I couldn't get serious with a smoker and that he couldn't smoke around me. He wanted to get serious and made the decision himself.

[Crinkle77]

Give him a break. It is extremely difficult to give up and you have to want to do it for yourself and not because someone else wants you to. I went out with someone once who tried to get me to give up and would give me hell if I had the odd one so I would lie about it. I am not an inherently bad person and don't lie about other stuff but it wasn't worth the grief.He smoked when you got together with him and you knew that. Look what's the problem as long as he doesn't do it at home or in front of the kids.

[everythingis]

I was/am flattered I was worth quitting smoking for. I'm also aware that a relapse doesn't reduce his feelings for me. Hopefully.
The lying makea me feel like shit though

[everythingis]

Crinkle - the lying. As I said he is very stressed just now - very grim situation that isn't caused by him - I said said to him enough times I will get over the odd relapse just please don't lie to my face.

[Lweji]

He was told not to smoke around you or the kids.

Completely dropping a habit is quite hard and that's a somewhat unfair ultimatum.

I'd prefer him to be honest and work with him on leaving the habit than having an ultimatum.
I'd still want him not to smoke around you, though.

Or keep the ultimatum.
Do you believe him or your friend?

[QuiteLikely5]

He isn't smoking around your children. He isn't smoking around you.

He cannot be honest with you because that threatens your relationship - it's not rocket science.

Instead try to understand that this is what happens when you try to change a person

[everythingis]

He has never smoked around me not even before we were together.
If he told me the truth I would be relieved at this point. I admit I am concerned if he comes clean it will progress to him smoking in the garden at home or similar and I'm not tolerating that

[QuiltedAloeVera]

I dunno.

You say he's going through 'brutally stressful' experience. You've also told him he can't smoke and be in a relationship with you at the same time. It's not that surprising that he's fibbing.

I would talk to him, because I would rather DP was straight with me and told me he was having the odd fag when he 's at work, than lying. And then work on getting him to give up or try ecigs or some other solution that doesn't involve him poisoning himself so badly.
That will make his life slightly less stressful.

[Lweji]

Draw your line and stick to it.

[everythingis]

The lying threatens it more.

[R1nderCella]

Don't reduce him to lying then? He has enough respect for you not to smoke in front of your children and you... maybe have enough respect for him to not snoop around his stuff?

If you can't tolerate the smoking then you need to tell him. If you can tolerate it then let him know he doesn't need to sneak around you and smoke as long as he doesn't do it in front of children.

[everythingis]

I agree quilted but I have tried that several times.

[jeaux90]

Give the dude a break, really!

[Crinkle77]

I think there has to be a compromise. Tell him that you are not happy about it but if he wants to smoke then fine but he is not to do it around you, the kids or on your property.

[Cary2012]

You might not like this OP, but I don't think one adult has the right to tell another what to do. I get that you don't want him smoking, but that's your opinion and of course you're entitled to it. Smoking is hard to quit. He's not smoking in front of the kids or in the house.

Sorry but I can't see anything wrong in him having a fag when he's out or even in the the garden.

The lying is an issue, of course it is. But he probably knows what a dealbreaker smoking is for you, so feels compelled to lie perhaps.

Tell him you know he's having a crafty fag now and then, you would prefer if he didn't, but it's up to him. As long as he keeps it away from the house and kids, then fine. You can't force someone to quit smoking, they can only quit when they want to.

It isn't a reflection on his love for you, it's a reflection on how addictive his habit is.

[Shortfatandangry]

I agree with pp, smoking is a tricky one. Having stopped for years, even then the urge can hit you like a train every so often. If he's going through a horrible time, I can almost guarantee that his urge to smoke is nearly impossible to ignore. The last thing he needs on top of the stress he's already dealing with, is to have his partner giving him a hard time. So he may (MAY) be fibbing. But if it's that significant to you, you obviously need to discuss it with him. I wonder if you are so suspicious that there may be more than this lie, what makes you think that? I'd personally let sleeping dogs lie though, unless you think he's lying about other things also

[ApocalypseNowt]

What Cary2012 said.

[everythingis]

Cary - I have tried to do this honestly I have. I wonder if he thinks he has dig himself a hole now :-(
It's really not the abstract smoking that's upset me it's the blatant lie even though I kind of understand it. He is very committed and we have an otherwise very close relationship. The lying about smoking makes me question other things I had no reason to before.
I am scared I will be presented eventually with such hard evidence I can't ignore it - evidence of the lie.

[everythingis]

Letting sleeping dogs lie is what I have been doing mostly.

[mum11970]

I think you've kind of brought this on yourself by giving him an ultimatum in the first place. Had you just said that smoking around you and the kids is unacceptable he wouldn't have been boxed into a corner, which was almost inevitably going to end up with him having to lie. If he thought your reaction would be to throw him out, when you accused him of smoking, do you seriously think he was going to admit it.