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Am I losing my mind?

(14 Posts)
FluffyBunnyWithBaseballBat Sat 15-Oct-16 11:21:00

Sorry not really sure where to post this but it feels it is relationship related.

DH has mentioned on several occasions lately 'you are losing it', mostly if I forget something - eg sunglasses, or if I'm halfway through saying something and I lose my train of thought. We do have elderly parents with alzheimers/dementia so it is a sensitive subject. The other day he said he thought I should 'go and get my brain tested'. I find this really offensive and truly thought I was no more forgetful or distracted than anyone else.

After an altercation with DD (14) today I'm beginning to think may be he is right. We had an argument and I specifically remember she made a flippant remark and walked off. About an hour later something related to that discussion came up and she claims it didn't happen at all. I'm certain it did. Do you think I could have some memory thing going on?

For context I work in a well paid interesting job, manage most of the childcare, and day to day running of the household. I rarely forget things related to work, but do occasionally forget various domestic related things. .

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 15-Oct-16 11:41:14

I am wondering if you are now actually being gaslighted by your DH. His actions towards you are undermining you as a person and he is trying to get you to doubt your own judgment.

Gaslighting is just one of the many weapons in the arsenal of personalities hell-bent on having their way, even if it means doing so by subtle and covert means of conning others

Your DD is learning from the two of you about relationships, what is she being taught here?. I am wondering if she is also learning the same tactics from her father.

Strawberry90 Sat 15-Oct-16 11:43:00

Yes I think Dd has learnt to copy your OH and make you doubt yourself - and she won!

Your OH's comments probably come more out of a fear that you will both end up the same way as your parents rather than fact

ICuntSeeYourPoint Sat 15-Oct-16 11:54:31

Sounds like your dh is a cunt, and your dd is learning gaslighting from him. You sound fine, but bogged down doing more than your fair share and being completely underappreciated. Your dh needs to start acting like he wants to stay in the marriage and wants you to be happy - presumably he does.

forumdonkey Sat 15-Oct-16 12:19:14

OK so for your own peace of mind - does this only happen at home? In your post there's no mention of any of these concerns at work. If it's only at home, you have your answer. It's not you it's them

Strawberry90 Sat 15-Oct-16 12:36:27

People will be v quick to judge your husband here but he may be genuinely scared of you guys going through what you've seen family members go through. I always think it's better to try and understand behaviour rather than just call people names. My gran had dementia and it was the most awful thing - put a massive strain on the whole family. Yes your OH is behaving badly though. Look to genuine signs of memory loss etc like being unable to recall words, forgetting major things. If concerned go to your gp. It shows that you don't trust your husband enough to ask for his view - if he is saying it out of true concern he'll be best placed to see it. Why don't you trust him?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 15-Oct-16 13:00:09

No, you are not losing your mind. If you were it would be most noticeable at work as that's where your memory is most tested and where you spend the most time under scrutiny.

"I work in a well paid interesting job, manage most of the childcare, and day to day running of the household. I rarely forget things related to work, but do occasionally forget various domestic related things"

You're possibly over-looking things which are probably less important to you. I suggest you demand a more equal sharing of domestic duties from your husband and children. Why are you doing most of the childcare and day-to-day running of the household when you have able-bodied people sharing your home with you?

At best your husband is being very cruel to under-mine you in this way when there's little evidence of it. At worst, you're being ruthlessly gas-lighted.

FluffyBunnyWithBaseballBat Sat 15-Oct-16 13:28:22

Can I ask what gaslighting is? I've seen it on this board but don't really understand it.

I think you are right, it does only happen at home.

Why don't I trust him? hmmm good question... I've often felt he has an unrealistic sense of proportion. For example when DD was a bit younger (11ish) if I let her wander round a local village fair with her friends he was outraged that she would get raped (not just that it was a small statistical possibility, but more that it was very likley). If someone has a lump or bump he always assumes the worst scenario and had me rushing DD to the doctor when she was young at every sniffle as in his mind it was probably something very serious. Now I write it all down it is actually quite odd! But anyway that is why I don't really give so much credence to his comments.

Strawberry90 Sat 15-Oct-16 16:39:14

Yeah he def sounds worried you ARE going to develop it rather than he actuallly thinks you do have it. It's not very nice of him basically - tell him to deal with his own fears rather than belittle you!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 15-Oct-16 16:43:57

narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

This explains gaslighting well.

Secretsandlies222 Sat 15-Oct-16 16:53:16

It sounds as if your DH's comments are borne out of a anxiety rather than an intent to gaslight you.

keepingonrunning Sat 15-Oct-16 17:02:41

Gaslighting - to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
People, often disturbed characters but clever enough to hide it, gaslight to gain power and control over a particular person they decide to target. They also do it for a sick kind of fun in watching your reactions.
I was suspicious my (now X)P was capitalising on my relative's dementia to make me question my memory. I was not wrong.
My solicitor told me the majority of divorcing men claim their wives are mentally unstable, in her experience.
Men claiming women are mentally unwell has been happening for centuries. It's a cultural thing, depressingly. I see psychological abuse in what you say and alarmingly your DD is copying it. I think you need to explain in a very serious way to them both that it is not OK at all to play mind games - it is not kind, it is not respectful and, as part of a continuing pattern, it is not legal. And I would be reconsidering staying in the relationship and getting your DD away from his toxic influence.

TheNaze73 Sat 15-Oct-16 17:12:42

I think that there is almost a stampede sometimes to tar sonething with a brush. For me, this isn't gaslighting, I think his anxious & is concerned

keepingonrunning Sat 15-Oct-16 17:40:13

Well it was real enough for me Naze. My XP feigned concern for my mental health and it was so out of character it felt sinister. And it was. I would probably still be stuck in that relationship now, wondering why I felt I was in psychological warfare yet still with hope in my heart things would get better. It took a police officer to spell out A.B.U.S.E.
OP please read Attila's great link and watch closely for further signs. Trust your instincts - they are what alert us to dangerous people.

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