Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Split leaving me not knowing myself

(9 Posts)
fivetosix Sat 15-Oct-16 07:22:45

I have previously posted about splitting from my narcissistic and abusive DH of 12 years. We have three DC.

I decided this summer that I wanted out. All love and respect had gone from our relationship, and I wanted my children to be spared from our arguments and general crap we were giving them.

I am living in the marital home with the DC. He has moved to the flat above the coffee shop we ran. He has gone back to his own country to see his family and has been gone for around three weeks, and probably won't be back until next month.

I am currently looking after the DC, running the business and looking after the home, all with no help from any family (parents deceased, no siblings). I am slowly but surely feeling myself burning out. I saw the GP this week who is considering increasing my dosage of Fluoxetine because basically, I am a wreck.

STBX phoned yesterday and of course it ended up in another argument and by the end of the phonecall, I was so emotionally upset that I was shaking. He guilts by saying that all he has ever done is the right thing by the children and I, yet he can't recognise the fact that I have nothing but hate left inside me for how is has worn me down all these years. I never knew I could go from 'loving' someone to feeling nothing but hatred.

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of this post, but I hate how that even though we have split, I am still feeling so down, exhausted and negative. I am waking all hours of the night, having heart palpitations and living like a zombie. I just want to relax and be happy and find the old me again, but he has destroyed every ounce of my confidence, self esteem and hope sad

Anniegetyourgun Sat 15-Oct-16 08:27:49

Well... look at it this way. You were with him for 12 years and can only have been out for a few months at most. You've got a hell of a lot on your plate and it is going to take time to adjust - time you don't really have at the moment because you are trying to run a household and a business at the same time. Glad you're under the GP but ADs, lifesavers though they can be, are only a short-term prop while you go through the long business of getting over it. I won't suggest counselling at this stage because it would just feel like another chore to add to the list, but when the immediate crisis is over, promise yourself some!

It's also not surprising that contact with the abusive ex has upset you and made you doubt yourself again. For years you were a prisoner in his head - a very strange place indeed - and now you're just beginning to get used to life in the real world again. One phone call can send you back temporarily, but no matter what he says (and they are all just words - did it all for you and the kids indeed, he may even believe that but what nonsense it is really) you are out and things will gradually get better. Chin up, one foot in front of the other and all those annoyingly bracing phrases. It's so tiring to wade through shit but eventually you'll drag yourself out the other side. Meanwhile, remember that nothing he says is true (in the universe where you live as opposed to the one inhabited by narcissists, of which they are the centre). The ex has caused a lot of problems which you now have to sort out, but his ability to cause more is limited due to your wise decision to split.

bikerlou Sat 15-Oct-16 19:42:16

It's weird isn't it fivetosix you would think that once you were out of a miserable marriage you would be as happy as larry but I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. That's because you are not just losing the man with his foibles.
You have lost the father of your children, your hopes of the future, your ideas about retirement, actually being married and all the benefits of that, someone to be with, an income, a happy home, regret about the past and the choices you made. There are 101 reasons why you are sad when he finally went, sometimes more abstract than the actual person.
The universe is saying kiss goodbye to your hopes and dreams.
I said somewhere else that a week before my husband left I actually wished he was dead, a week after I was having massive panic attacks at work and displaying flamboyant grief. It took me totally by surprise.
I missed hwta could have been instead of what actually was and grieved very badly over it.
We are stronger than we think and it will get better.

fivetosix Sat 15-Oct-16 19:59:29

I had a funny turn this afternoon at the local shopping centre. Felt faint and dizzy and thought I was going to pass out. I go from being my own worst enemy, to independent woman and back again at least five times a day.

If I thought he had worn me to the ground, nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I'm going through at the moment. I don't know myself anymore sad

rememberthetime Sat 15-Oct-16 23:11:04

I felt very similar a few weeks ago. I realised the dizziness was caused by me literally forgetting to breathe. The anxiety was causing me to hold my breath. But one thing I was sure of was that the anxiety I felt was real. It was for a real reason not because of fear associated with him. It was about money or the kids or finding somewhere to live. Not fear of what he might do or say next.
For some reason that helped. I knew it was anxiety I had control over.
Now I am settled in my new home I feel hardly any anxiety at all and the dizziness is gone too.

springydaffs Sat 15-Oct-16 23:27:18

You must stop talking to him. He's only going to yank your chain and stir up all the trauma of what you've been through.

You've a lot of practical things to deal with, you don't need monumental emotion on top. You hate him - fair enough, I hated my narc ex with a passion, planned his death by torture (in my head!) but it wore me out! I had to get kids to school and go to work and cook the tea.

iiwy, aside from NOT talking to him (or reading emails etc), I'd compartmentalise your emotions. Put the hate in a box and leave it there until you've time to have a vent. If you don't contact him or listen to him you'll have a much better chance to smooth your feathers.

Are you working alone? That can be quite isolating - can you do something that makes you part of a team of sorts? ime working with others took me out of myself for n hours a day, which I sorely needed.

springydaffs Sat 15-Oct-16 23:29:06

btw the rowing suggests you're 'trying to get him to see'. He's not going to see, so you have to stop doing that to yourself flowers

8FencingWire Sat 15-Oct-16 23:35:57

A few months ago I became a single mum after about two decades of marriage.
I can sleep at night now. I'm on setraline. I moved. I went on holiday.
Came back and the 4 am waking up and overeating started again.
One can't expect it to be plain sailing straight away, OP. Be kind to yourself.

AstrantiaMallow Sun 16-Oct-16 11:41:04

The run up to and the initial months of divorce were horrendous. I had constant panic attacks. Crowded places were the worse. As pp said be kind to yourself. It's something I didn't really understand to start with. For a few months it's like I withdrew in myself. Lots of low-key quiet time. Just me and the kids. Small things. Still now I need quiet time. Easier said than done though.

I massively underestimated how much my ex's behaviour affected me on so many levels and I also wanted to keep going. The uncertainty of everything, finances, children arrangements and the constant onslaught of aggressivity and anger from ex through the courts were very hard to take.
Counselling helped me. So did not ever engaging with him. Springydaffs is right that communicating will make things worse. Eventually it got better after a few months. But I can still get triggered and have an attack. I have learnt to control them better. That would help you too.

Are your children old enough that they could do the odd sleepover at some of their friends so you could get a bit of a break?
flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now