I've nc'd for this. Sorry if things seem fuddled, but I am not exactly sure what is going on and I feel quite confused.
DH and I have been married for ten years, and together for twelve (I'm 40 and he's 38). Over those years, we've fallen into a very sedentary way of life. Things just tick along, and nothing much happens. My days are either spent at my job (which I've been doing for ten years), doing housework and cooking, or working on my project. If I work from home, there can be weeks where I don't leave the house at all, and I don't have much of a social life.
I've known for years that our set-up isn't right. I am very aware that the way we live, moreover the way I live, needs to change. I've tried to talk to DH about it in the past, but somehow there's a real resistance there. He just gets defensive and argumentative, or just listens but won't engage. When I have tried to implement lifestyle changes that, by default, involve DH, they don't last or don't come off somehow ... and it is back to the same old same old. What is strange about this is that when I implement changes that only require my own input, they work.
Anyway, things have now come to a head because I have now been diagnosed with depression. I'm finding it hard to do pretty much anything, even get out of bed. I just find myself staring at the wall for hours.
I know I need to get myself out of this situation by taking some sort of action so, this morning, I tried to talk to DH again about making some changes in the way we live. I'd like us to be much more active, and I'd like to have an idea of where we are going in life because I've really no idea anymore and, as such, I don't know how to make personal decisions or choices.
So I asked him, very simply, as a starting point, what kind of life he wanted in ten years time and what kind of things he would like to achieve. My idea was that he would tell me, then I would describe the kind of things I wanted to do and achieve, and with all this information out in the open, we could plot a path through and start living a bit more of a dynamic life.
The ensuing exchange turned into a disaster. Again. DH just seems unable to talk to me about what he wants in life in an open and honest way. Every time I spoke, his response was argumentative and defensive, even though I'd said nothing critical about him at all. By the end, I was left with a lot of pressure in my head and a mild headache, and I just felt gutted.
But I don't want to live the way we do anymore. It's staid, sedentary, boring and a very small world for me; it's like a never-ending groundhog day of either domestic or paid work, punctuated with a week's holiday every year. We are both now overweight and unfit because of the sedentary way we live, and DH's BMI has now reached "obese" (he's put on five stone in four years, and was diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease a year ago). I also feel quite trapped. He gets a bit weird if I want to do something on my own, and I even stopped getting the train to work because he told me it gave him panic attacks (he has a fairly severe anxiety problem that he refuses to get long term help for).
I know that if I go my own way and sort life out for myself alone, and he continues to live the way he does, then in a few years, I will be a very different person and he will still be the same, and I can't see what would keep our marriage together.
I wondered if anyone had any insight into this situation at all, if anyone else had been there and had any advice? Moreover, I wanted to know what you all thought about this. I need some other perspectives.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Things needs to change, but DH strangely resistant.
TheWeirdness · 14/10/2016 21:53
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