Husband's colleague flirting - WWYD

[BooToYouToo]

DH has been through a hard time at work, sidelined so decided to take voluntary redundancy. He has a colleague in HR who has been giving him advice. She is going through a rough time - divorcing an abusive man and selling family home etc.

Anyway I saw some of her messages to DH one night as our iPads & phones are linked. It was the day he decided to quit. She was telling him he was fabulous & suggesting they drown their sorrows over dinner one night. In itself I've no problem with that as I trust him and he often has drinks with female colleagues.

Actually she wanted to go dancing but he said dinner was fine. Then she started using the blowing kisses emoticon and insisted they set a date for dinner & said how much she'd miss him when he leaves. He was very noncommittal in return and went off to bed. I should've made a joke about it at the time but he had an interview for a new job the next day.

Anyway, since then she contacts him every few days. He is home on gardening leave and she was desperate for him to come into work to have lunch so she could "make sure he was OK". He said no, he needed a breather. Also he was in Bristol for an interview but didn't mention it to her so I don't think he's that fussed.

Another time she asked how he was, he said he was off exercising and she said she could think of better forms of stress relief to which he replied that he was getting that too. She seems to fish a lot about how being at home with his wife looking after him should help a lot to which he replies it does!

That night she sent a long text saying how she would miss him. He didn't reply.

Anyway its eating me up that she's probably going to throw herself at him when they go out but as he appears to be handling it should I keep shtum? Or should I ask him what she's like a few days before and mention I saw her blowing kisses and flirting?

[FetchezLaVache]

It's so blatant I don't think you can ignore it. Your DH is clearly not interested but she's not discouraged. I imagine he realises and will probably make excuses not to go for dinner, but if it materialises I think you should say look, she's clearly going to jump on you, I don't think you should go as it's going to be awkward as arse extricating yourself.

[Joysmum]

He's. O tiny ally batting her away. I don't think you have a problem as your DH is handling it ok himself.

[redshoespurplehat]

Take a note of her number and call her. Tell her to back off as he's not interested and she is verging on looking pathetic. Remind her that married people discuss things with each other and if she wants someone to chat to she should find a man of her own, not yours!
She'll be so shocked you called!

[Grammar]

Your Ipads and phones are linked so he has obviously nothing to hide, I would say, 'Ive seen these messages..they seem a bit flirty, have you noticed? I would be careful about what you say to her...etc...'
It's really outside the boundaries of normal behaviour, so I think addressing it calmly would be the prudent approach.

[BooToYouToo]

Much as I'd love to confront her, redshoes, that implies I don't trust him. He hasn't discussed it with me yet.

Dinner is a month away so I guess I'll keep an eye on things and if he hasn't put her off by then I'll come clean about seeing her messages. Thanks all.

[Afishcalledchips]

Sounds like your DH has no intention of cheating with this woman, but no harm in having a chat with him

[booksandcoffee]

Tempting as Redshoe's idea I think Dixie is spot on.

[AnyFucker]

I would bring it right out into the open with your H

Why would you watch and wait ? All that does is give you stress. Tell your H you have seen the messages and she is clearly after getting in his pants.
Tell him if he goes out with her on a one to one you would consider it a date and will act accordingly

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

She's offering it on a plate. I'd be far less charitable about him going out to dinner with that as a course.

[Simonneilsbeard]

What anyfucker said ^^

I agree your husband doesn't seem interested but I'd still make it known to him that you're aware of the messages and you suspect her intentions aren't innocent

[alltouchedout]

I'd be pleased he was brushing her off but annoyed he was still going for dinner and hadn't mentioned it to me. I'd tell him I'd seen the messages.

[Happybunny19]

His replies are fine, but it's blatantly obvious what she's doing and a dinner date would not be prudent under the circumstances. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to him about it now. It's going to really bug you if you keep reading the messages and say nothing. As your devices are linked it's a really easy conversation to have.

I would not be happy if my oh were going to dinner with someone so obviously gagging for it & I'm absolutely sure he'd feel the same if it were me.

[Montane50]

His replies are exactly how you would want them to be i.e he sounds a really nice man, going through change and too polite to say ok-back off to his ex colleague. Im sure if you mention it he'll more than happily take your lead and do whats necessary-this is a good news post on mn for a change!

[Kidnapped]

I think he is handling it quite well so far.

But it does bother you (and it would bother me) so you should be honest with your DH about it rather than stewing on it. Can you present it in the way of "I know that Susan is making you uncomfortable with her emails and texts and it is absolutely not fair of her to be putting you in this situation. Is there anything I can do to help you?" kind of thing.

That at least gets it out there and puts the blame squarely where it belongs.

Say that you think it's obvious that she is interested, it's obvious that he's not interested, you trust him completely and he has handled it well so far.

And what ideas can you both come up with to try to resolve it? That should get you both talking.

He's left the workplace so the contact will just naturally dwindle anyway. He doesn't have to see her again if he doesn't want to. If he is a nice person generally, he might need to be reminded of that.

[Classybird36]

Why is he even going for dinner with her??

[TheNaze73]

I can see why he'd go out of dinner with her but, she's clearly hoping for more. Share your concerns with him. She doesn't sound like the sort, who'd be deterred by the small fact of him being married. Sadly, there's a lot of women & men about like that

[ChuckBiscuits]

He needs to bring you to that dinner. That would be an ace move.

Otherwise he needs to not go. She is throwing herself at him. Or offer to pick him up after and turn up 10 mins earlier than expected.

[ChuckBiscuits]

If your Ipads are linked can you respond 'Hi this is X's wife...dinner sounds fab and yes he is rather fabulous and yes he gets lots of 'stress relief' thanks for asking ;)'.

[Joysmum]

Are they actually going out for dinner?

From how I've read it, he agreed to dinner before she ramped up the messaging and that may well have been a polite non-committal thing simply because she's in HR and he needs her to make his exit from his job go as smoothly as possible.

[Thinkingblonde]

I'd be going to that dinner with him. Or picking him up as has been suggested but turning up earlier than arranged and joining them for a drink.

[Thejubremonyatthelibrary]

I'd go to the dinner and glare at her all night. I know that's childish but...

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why does he have to go to the dinner?
I wouldn't want that.
If it was just a dinner to both of them then fair enough.
But she is blatantly making a play for him.
I'd be asking him not to go to dinner with her.

[PsychedelicSheep]

I don't think you should message and call her desperate, it'll just make you look desperate imo. Talk to him, say you've seen the messages and find out how he's feeling about it all, then decide together the best way to handle things.

[mouldycheesefan]

I work in HR and we would be in serious trouble if our supporting people in redundancy situations extended to this. Totally unacceptable and unprofessional. Dh needs to shut it down now, for gods sake he is going on a dinner date with a woman who fancies him, she will escalate the texting as it gets nearer and the sexual tension will build. Shut it down before it destroys your marriage.