Trapped

[WorthlessMe]

I'm trapped in a relationship with a man who cheats on me constantly. He looks for sex online with strangers and prostitutes and he shags his ex with whom he has one child. This is when he is visiting his son.
We have two small children. I have no job, no training, no money and no family support.
I'm not even allowed to cut my hair.

[Zippidydoodah]

Citizens advice?

Women's charity/refuge?

There are many posters who are very knowledgeable about this kind of thing, and I hope they come along soon! But in the meantime, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You deserve better

[Simonneilsbeard]

I'm sorry that you feel trapped in what is clearly a horrible situation for you.
Women's aid are really amazing, not only for moral support but also putting you in touch with other organisations who can give you practical help!
Have you considered confiding in your gp or health visitor?
I hope you get the help you need x

[tipsytrifle]

What are your physical circumstances Worth? Are you married to this man, living together? If the latter is it rented or mortgaged? Presumably he is in work? Do you have access to family money for shopping? Are you allowed out? Is he violent?

A whole load of questions there but your responses might give a fuller picture of how things are materially. Emotionally - of course this sounds like a relationship you should be leaving asap. How do you feel about that? Have you been together long?

[statetrooperstacey]

I second women's aid for practical advice, I have been where you are apart from I did have family support. Didn't help much at the time though as when things are really bad its hard to admit it isn't it?
How old are your children? If its too hard to actually leave now just keep in mind your children will grow, they will start school, you will then have more options. A job ,any job, will be a priority at that point. Start planning your escape now, you will be able to leave one day even if not yet. Hang on to that thought, this might be your reality now but it wont be forever.

[WorthlessMe]

Our children are 3 and 4 months old.
He is not violent and yes he does work. We rent the house I am on the lease, but I don't earn anything.
I am allowed out, but I must tell him where and be in communication.

[WorthlessMe]

We are living together, but not married. We have been together for 7 years.

[WorthlessMe]

I don't have full access to the money. I

[HeavenlyEyes]

this is abuse - call Women's Aid and they can help you not be trapped by him any more

[WorthlessMe]

I'm scared he will try and take the children from me. They are all I have. He will say horrible things about me.

[Simonneilsbeard]

I would make women's aid my first port of call. you don't have to accept that treatment, you deserve so much better and so do your little ones x
What about friends? Do you have any rl support at all?

[WorthlessMe]

I don't have any friends.

[statetrooperstacey]

If you are their primary carer and he works , given the ages of your children he will not be able to take the children away from you.
He can say anything he likes about you, in fact he probably will, doesn't matter really. The court's, police, social services etc will have dealt with many malicious false allegations from many malicious spurned exes. They will have the measure of him. The fact your name is on the lease puts you in a good position, you are not as trapped as he would have you believe.

[HeavenlyEyes]

Very many abusers threaten to take children from their mother - it doesn't make it true just because he says it. These things are said to make you stay! He can stay the sky is green, it doesn't make it right. What makes you think an abusive man will get full custody of children after he has abused their mother, and probably them too!

And no friends, why is that? He drove them away too I bet.

[WorthlessMe]

The friends I had got fed up of me cancelling plans because I did not have to money to travel to see me.

[WorthlessMe]

*them

[WorthlessMe]

I feel like a complete cunt for getting myself into this situation. It wasn't meant to be like this.

[thissismyusername]

He won't take your children and you are not trapped. You feel trapped but you can get out of this situation with the help from women's aid and the support of people on this site. He is threatening you to try and have you believe you are powerless, that is what bullies do.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

[PickAChew]

Well, he doesn't have his ex's child. Having custody would be too hard much like hard work for him.

[Horsemad]

OP please change your name to WorthMore and contact Women's Aid.

[tipsytrifle]

WorthMore - i prefer that to your original name though atm i understand that's exactly how you feel. But it's wrong. Mistaken thinking due to being ground down and out of reality.

You absolutely need to phone WA as a matter of urgency but you'll have to hang in there because the lines can be busy. You need advice (from WA and maybe CAB too) because if your name is on the lease you should be able to stay there. Getting him out would be the issue. He isn't likely to go easily, hence you need WA to help you. It might mean help with refuge options. I actually think you're in an escape situation and this is urgent.

You need to be at a point where his word is not your law. Are you at that point?

[Booboopidoo]

Are you safe online OP? Make sure you delete your history or use private browsing while you're looking for help. He will tighten his grip if he senses you are breaking free, play things close to your chest while you make plans and stay safe. There's a wealth of experience on here to help you, posting this was your first step towards freedom, well done

[GreenRut]

I echo pp- make sure your online access is secure op. My best friend is going through the early aftermath of splitting from a man like this. It is horrendous and he is trying every trick in the book and honestly I think I'd she'd known how awful it would be she wouldn't have split. But that's the point, they act the way they do in the relationship in order to guarantee you don't leave. These people would rather be with someone who was with them only our out of fear and when you look at that logic you realise just how fucked up that is.

My main advice to you would be get the support of womens aid, your GP. These people confirming for you how bad it really is well help. Then I would tell you to look at what your children are seeing, what is their 'normal'? Because what they are seeing will be what they replicate in their adult relationships, but you have the power to interrupt that cycle and change it now. You are far from a cunt. Conversely, the power you have right now to impact positively potentially in the whole of your children's future lives makes you a very strong woman in deed

[WorthlessMe]

I am safe online. I have a phone with internet access. I can't call until I know he will be out of the house for a long time. He is self employed so works from the house a lot.
I really want out I just don't know how.
He messes with my mind he will tell me he loves me and I am everything to him. Then he will go out and fuck someone else. He will twist it and make it my fault.
I know I am a possession to him. I have to look and dress the way he says. I look good on his arm. He loves playing the happy family card.
I think if I didn't have my children I would do something drastic.
Thank you for all your advice.

[WorthlessMe]

He checks my phone. I barely leave the house! I don't know who he thinks I'm talking to.

[keepingonrunning]

Worthmore Please make sure you are using private browsing.
Here's is info from a leaflet I picked up at my local Citizens' Advice Bureau

1. Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 You can phone them at any time of the day or night, 7 days a week and it's free. Quietest times when you are most likely to get through immediately are 7pm-7am. Busiest times when you might have to leave a voicemail are 9.30am-3.30pm. Make sure he is not in the house or garden when you call.
   

Email replies within 5 working days [email protected]

1. Phone your local council's housing department and tell them you are trapped in a domestic abuse situation. Ask them about refuges too and your local domestic violence outreach service.
   
2. Phone Victim Support 0845 3899528
   
3. Phone Childline 0800 1111
   
4. Phone your local police's non-emergency line 101 and ask to speak to the domestic violence unit (office hours most likely)
   

Gather these items and if possible leave them with a trusted friend or neighbour:
Passport, birth certificates (yours and children's), NI number, benefits book, bank account details, tenancy agreement, driving licence, insurance documents.
A list of contact telephone numbers or address book
Money, credit cards, keys
Changes of clothes for you and your children, toys
Medicines, prescriptions
Toiletries
Any items of sentimental value
You can do it, for yourself and your children. You can get out. These organisations will help you.