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first love back in touch

(30 Posts)
teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 12:34:04

I don't really know why I am posting this.

My first BF from when I was 15 has got in touch via fb and linkdin.
It turns out we now have a mutual fb and that is how he found me.

we were together for nearly 2 years before his family emigrated.
I was 16 and he was 19 when he left. I was devastated as was he but my family were relieved as they thought I was too young for such an intense relationship .
I met up with him every time when he came back for about 6 years and always had a fab time. we talked about our future together but I moved house so many times as a student / young adult- we lost contact eventually. I haven't seen him in 20 years.

I haven't seen him since then but I have thought of him often.

it was a total shock to get friend requests from him and a message saying he had moved back to this country and would love to meet up. he has been trying to find me for a few years and apparently never stopped thinking about us as a couple.

I have a dp and 2 kids. I would never do anything to hurt them and ok - maybe I am jumping ahead a bit - after all he has just asked to meet up. .

I told dp that old ex had got in touch ( he knows all about previous relationships).

I would love to see him but at the same time I wonder why I would bother.

what do you reckon?

Cabrinha Thu 13-Oct-16 12:44:08

No no no no no.
Why?
Because he said he's never stopped thinking of you as a couple.
Which means even before you meet, he's putting the moves on you!
Yes, you have your own mind so you can reject those - but why put yourself and your husband through it?

If it wouldn't feel totally appropriate to say "come for dinner! My husband is curious about you, and I'd love for you to see my kids!"

Cabrinha Thu 13-Oct-16 12:44:38

Missed the last bit - then don't do it!

teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 13:10:12

thanks cabrinha

I suppose it noseyness as much as anything - to see him and hear what he has been up to. I would love to do this first and then introduce him to my family.
dp and him look very very alike, have the same interests etc but not naive enough to believe they will get along.

teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 13:44:18

I didn't read his comment about thinking about us as a couple as a 'move' and tbh - at times in the past I have also thought about what our lives would have been like.

Usernamealreadyexists Thu 13-Oct-16 14:03:34

Are you happy with your dp? I wouldn't meet up if you think that you could develop feelings. Sounds like you want to which makes me wonder if your heart is fully in your current relationship.

adora1 Thu 13-Oct-16 14:04:29

Why would you meet an ex that is thinking of starting up again with you when you have a DP, just no, and I doubt very much after 20 years that it would be like the past, he's an ex for a reason, leave him there and concentrate on your current DP, not him.

ByeByeLilSebastian Thu 13-Oct-16 14:06:54

Don't do it if you are happy with dp.
It sounds as if you still have fond feelings for him?

Don't tempt yourself.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 13-Oct-16 14:16:58

"apparently never stopped thinking about us as a couple."

Creepy intensity right there for somebody you haven't seen in twenty years.

You have a DP. Why on earth would you re-kindle a relationship with someone who still has feelings for you, and who still has such a grip on your own thoughts? You know this will only lead to one thing.

Don't do it.

Or at least have the good grace to dump your DP before you open the door to this obvious emotional affair in the making.

teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 14:55:02

I think many of you have hit the nail on the head.

I am happy with dp - we have our ups and downs but overall things are good.

I do think there is potential for an emotional affair if I develop the contact or meet up. I do have fond memories of that time in my life with him but we were kids really.

ricecrispietreast - your post was the wakeup call.

teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 15:29:31

I have not accepted his friend requests as yet and not replied to his messages.

I am going to message him back to say:-
nice to hear from him, hope he is well
what a surprise after all this time,
that dp, the 2 kids and myself are really busy these days,
might bump into him in the future??

I wont make any mention of staying in contact or plans for meeting up but our mutual fb friend is getting married before xmas so we may well be at the same wedding.

I think given the reactions his contact provoked - there are a few things I need to sit down and have a long hard think about .....

Cabrinha Thu 13-Oct-16 17:44:09

Hang on - he's been trying to find you for a few years. But you have a mutual friend on Facebook and may both be at their wedding. So he didn't try very hard then. Which suggests this isn't genuine interest in friendship, but convenience. He's at a loose end and after a flirtation, if not a shag.

EastMidsGPs Thu 13-Oct-16 17:47:53

Please don't.

I say this from personal experience.

An ex is an ex for a reason.

Zigzigsputnik76 Thu 13-Oct-16 17:51:08

9/10 when a man wants to meet up with an ex partner after so long he wants to try it on. Don't risk it

teenyveg Thu 13-Oct-16 23:27:24

cabrinha -
I agree - i dont imagine he put that much effort in.

on fb - i dont use my real name and have a carton image as my profile pic. i dont share photos.
our mutual friend is an ex colleague of mine. not a close friend and i havent seen her in a couple of years. she friended my ex the other day after meeting him at her fiance's family party at the weekend. her fiance is ex's cousin.
she shared a memory on facebook of us on a works night out years ago and tagged me. that is how he made the link.

i have to be honest - he has been in my thoughts lots today with happy memories but that has to be it and no more dwelling tomorrow.

Part of me did think the reason he made contact was to see if there was any chance of flirtation or sex. another part of me is interested in finding out what he has been doing but as pp said - i dont want to start running risks or being tempted.

springydaffs Thu 13-Oct-16 23:58:59

Aw come on, I wouldn't think he contacted you just for sex. You have a big history together.

But don't meet him. Or if you do, invite him to your house with dp present. Don't meet him on your own.

Artistic Fri 14-Oct-16 00:13:30

I had a similar situation recently. Ex from 20 years ago was sending me messages via all social media. Then an email. All these over 3 years. Finally DH told me to stop ignoring him and show some courtesy and reply to his email - which I did. I was surprised to find that he had perfectly decent intentions & just wanted to keep in touch (via email) as life is too short...it's been quite nice and I don't regret it at all. I think at some point we will meet up, but am not worried as he is happily married as am I.

I think if you never meet him, the unknown will haunt you. Might be better to perhaps have a single conversation on the phone and leave it at that if it worries you?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 14-Oct-16 11:49:37

What RiceCrispie said.

I think one response could be appropriate as a courtesy, but in truth- any response would be seen as an encouragement.
The response you outlined above is good, but put more emphasis on how incredibly full your schedule is, and perhaps even spell it out that there is absolutely no chance of a meet up. Imho, anything more, and I do mean any contact-innocent little brief texts/emails/etc., would only be seen as encouragement from you, and would thus make it harder and harder to scrape him off your shoe. Don't get caught by the drip drip of a little nice-nice: that is lip service (talk is cheap).

Tell your dp the rest of the story. Don't let him be dismissive about it so he will be aware enough to stick by you at the wedding event.

AyeAmarok Fri 14-Oct-16 11:56:50

You are walking eyes wide open into an affair, and you know it.

If you meet up with him, or even just start messaging him, you are actively pursuing a relationship with someone you KNOW is a weakness of yours. You will cross the line. Then you'll excuse it away as being just a coffee, or just good friends catching up, or just good friends emotionally being there for each other, until you're right in the middle of either an emotional or full blown affair and you'll be back telling us that "it just happened, I couldn't stop it" blah blah blah.

Why would you do that to your DP and children?

Give yourself a slap!

teenyveg Fri 14-Oct-16 13:29:46

Ayeamok - straight talking and yep - you are right in what you outlined. Given how I felt when I saw his message - I think there is potential I could start down a path I will regret.

I will message back, taking on board advice to emphasis we wont be meeting up.

Dp knows most of the back story of ex and I and how important ex was to me. If I was dp, I dont think I would be all that happy with him starting to communicate with an ex.

I dont know for sure that ex will be at the wedding but there is a real chance he will be.

Usernamealreadyexists Sat 15-Oct-16 10:13:01

I can see why you are struggling. It's very powerful when you have had a bond with someone that nobody else quite matched. It's really good that you have been so open with your dp about your past with your ex. Perhaps tell dp that he has contacted you? I really wouldn't engage with ex as it will just highlight all the things you are missing.

teenyveg Sat 15-Oct-16 11:11:15

Username - yep. I know we were just kids / young adults but as a first relationship, it is great to have happy positive memories of it.

I told a close friend last night that he had been in touch. She didnt know me back then but certainly knows his name / all about him. She went snooping online , something I haven't done. She was texting all snippets through. I have asked her to stop. It just feels wrong to be hearing it, though I suppose it satisfies my nosey streak!

GrimDamnFanjo Sat 15-Oct-16 11:21:58

Don't message him back. Ignore him. If you meet in the future you can feign ignorance of his messages etc. No good can come of it and you know that.

teenyveg Sat 15-Oct-16 11:29:58

Grimdamnfanjo - too late. I have messaged him back but v glib and no mention of staying in touch or meeting up.

AyeAmarok Sat 15-Oct-16 11:33:31

Good. Now, if he replies and tries to start a chain of communication, even if it's seemingly innocuous and only friendly chit-chat, DON'T REPLY!

Because that's how it starts. And you know you can't trust yourself. So you'll just have to be a little bit rude here to protect your relationship and your family.

Remember, nobody can get into your relationship unless you let them.

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