Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

No intimacy after 1st child and pain during sex

(87 Posts)
privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 22:59:18

Hi,

As you probably guessed I am not Mum, but I am Dad. I have been with my wife for 12 years and married 5. We have a 2 year old (27 months). My wife - much to my disappointment has never had a good libido and we were generally intimate once a month before we had our daughter. We had a very difficult pregnancy and she had an even worse birth. LO was born blue and required resuscitation. She did have episiotomy...
We were not intimate until 11 months after LO and my wife was clearly uncomfortable and said sex felt very different. Since that we have been intimate probably 5 times. She suffers pain everytime even with plenty of WB lubricant, seeing her in pain obviously puts me off as I don't want to hurt her. She then suffers what she thought was thrush after each intercourse so has been to GP, I paid for her to see a private consultant to mention this and the pain. He said she was suffering BV and that this might be cause of pain. After being treated on the one occasion we were intimate she was in pain again. Doctor has now referred her to gynae again. We last had sex about 2 months ago and I said to her I think we should try again with her in charge to see if see can control angles & pain, she just got very upset and said she feels like she's a failure. What do I do? A man has needs.... and I've said even though she wants more children I am not just having sex with her for purely that reason as our relationship isn't as good as it has been and we need to work on that first. But having sex only 5-7 times since we conceived 35 months ago is killing me.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:03:02

So your wife had 9 months of pregnancy, which was difficult, and had her perinuem cut open and has repeated infections and what you're worrying about is your 'needs'?

My advice would be to divorce your wife and stay the hell away from women, permanently.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:04:14

Thanks. I'm actually asking how I can help my wife. But thanks for the insight and kind words.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:07:11

You did not ask how to help your wife. Your OP is about you and your 'needs' and how the lack of sex is killing you.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:09:14

The fact that you've seen your wife in pain and you said to her 'I think we should try again' is beyond disgusting. If you'd had a part of your body torn open and an activity really hurt it, would you be happy with your wife suggesting you try it again?

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:11:56

At no point in your OP have you expressed a single word of compassion for your wife. You say her pain 'put you off' - not that you felt sorry for her or were upset for her that her body has been damaged.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:13:33

All your proving to me is that I shouldn't ask you for your opinion. Its clearly affecting my wife emotionally... so you suggest I just sweep it under the rug. Relationships require intimacy that is fact. I'm not worrying about my needs so much as 'our needs'. Did your mother never tell you if you've got nothing nice to say?

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:14:38

What do I do?
Is me asking what do I do to help her?

I'm sorry that was outside your understanding.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:17:54

And I said 'she's in pain which puts me off as I don't want to hurt her.' Meaning I stop. But obviously no compassion.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:18:33

Correction you said 'that do I do? A man has needs...' in other words 'this bothers me because I want sex.' Good relationships don't result in an injured woman crying because her husband is still asking for sex despite knowing it hurts her.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:20:36

Newsflash: if you didn't stop then you would be a monster. Stopping hurting a person you're supposed to love isn't called 'compassion' it's called basic human decency. How about you stop pestering her for sex?

IminaPickle Wed 12-Oct-16 23:20:56

I don't read it like that Sparrow
OP writes a little coldly, but it's a difficult subject and the fact that they weren't intimate for 11 months, then so rarely since and he's helping his wife access support suggests he is being considerate.
I think dad, you're doing the right thing. Wait, encourage her to get medical help and you're right- bringing another child into the relationship is a bad idea.
flowers for you both.

kittymamma Wed 12-Oct-16 23:21:07

Your poor wife. I get you finding it difficult, however, even after a normal birth, the pain during sex can be horrible. After the birth of my DD, sex hurt for about a year after. It was horrible, however, I did find that the more often we did, it hurt less, and as long as my DH understood where it hurt so that he didn't aggravate it, we muddled through. I got to the point that I expected it to hurt forever more.

My DS is 9 mo and it still hurts a bit and it is off putting. I don't like pain, but I miss the intimacy with my DH. However, when my DH puts on the whole "his needs" angle, it makes me want to punch him in the face! (not that I would), could I suggest not taking this approach?

Perhaps you should try to reinitiate the intimacy without the sex so your DW doesn't feel like she is letting you down. Try seeing it from her point of view, the pain and uncomfortableness prevents any satisfaction on her part and she has to endure pain for you. I cannot see any other circumstances anyone would think this is a reasonable request. She isn't ignoring it, she is seeing the doctor.

Mamaka Wed 12-Oct-16 23:22:12

"Good relationships don't result in an injured woman crying because her husband is still asking for sex despite knowing it hurts her."

This.
Privatedad you might not intend to but it does sound like you're putting pressure on your wife. If she says she feels like a failure she is worried she can't meet your "needs". It's not about her wanting to. She can't. You need to find a way to support her through that.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:25:29

I don't ask for sex and she never tells me to stop. I said we should try again... yes. As things may have changed. There's a full stop with a question mark. Meaning new sentence. So consider re-education regarding that please. As it reads; what do I do. (Full stop)

A man has needs. Which could be changed to an relationship has needs. If it was all about sex and I didn't love my wife then why do you think for one minute I'd still be with her. Get a grip... clearly a man hater.

TallulahTheTiger Wed 12-Oct-16 23:26:17

Having been there, your wife is probably anxious and stressed at even the thought of sex again- this will cause her to tense up which in turn will make it even more painful. I think this can sometimes lead to a condition called vaginismus, which can cause a vicious cycle. Don't for fucks sake make it about your 'needs' she already feels like shit.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:32:21

Thankyou kittymamma completely agree with you. I have said to her on all the occasions we have that we don't need to have sex but when we've got that far she is persistent on trying. I would rather just satisfy her without the hurt but she says she wants to try. Then it spoils the moment and I wish we had t tried but had just satisfied her without penetration. Sorry if I'm writing coldly. It's clearly not my intention.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:36:33

And if that reads it spoils things for me.. that's not what I meant.

It's spoils things for her. When that's what's I'd rather avoid.. for her pleasure and emotional wellbeing

Mamaka Wed 12-Oct-16 23:38:02

She is persistent on trying because she wants to please you and because society tells us we must all be at it like bunnies.
Try to take the pressure off by bringing back the intimacy without it leading to sex. Sorry to sound a bit cliche but I would also look at whether you are doing your fair share of housework, childcare etc. Resentment is a huge turn off.

Mamaka Wed 12-Oct-16 23:38:46

And lose "man hater" from your vocabulary.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:39:23

So does a relationship need one partner to be in pain in order to satisfy the other one?

You say you don't ask for sex and yet you also say you told her you should try again. So in fact you do ask for sex.

AnotherEmma Wed 12-Oct-16 23:40:00

I was going to post some advice, but your replies are extremely off-putting, you have been condescending and insulting towards people simply because you don't like what they have to say.

I think your OP was clumsily worded (We had a difficult pregnancy - really?! No, she did) and you did refer to your own needs and not hers. However, I can tell that you do feel compassion for your wife.

It's just a shame you've been obnoxious in your other posts.

However, for your wife's sake I'd like to suggest that she looks up the Vulval Pain Society, insists on a referral to a damn good gynaecologist, and gives herself permission not to have PIV (or any sexual contact if it's painful or stressful) for the foreseeable future. She needs medical help first, complete support and zero pressure from you, and then it might be possible to gradually rebuild some kind of sex life (nb this doesn't have to include PIV).

Dammit, I ended up giving advice after all... but it was mainly for her so I forgive myself wink

TheSparrowhawk Wed 12-Oct-16 23:41:06

And yes, having something shoved into a very very tender part of your body does 'spoil' things somewhat.

Ifounddory Wed 12-Oct-16 23:41:25

You can love her, support her and be alongside her as she gets medical help. If she gets upset you can remind her that her body produced your beautiful baby. Tell her how much you love that she's done this. You can also show affection in other ways by caring for and being kind to her. You can ask her if cuddles and kisses are ok for you to get some intimacy and feel close this way. You can let her initiate all other sexual activity as she feels able to do so (tell her this that it's her choice and her pace and stick to it. Don't put any pressure on her or you may add a psychological problem to the physical one.) you can remind yourself that she has a physical issue right now. It's not that she doesn't love you, she can't do this right now until it is sorted and that takes time. If you get really desperate you have a right hand and tissues but ffs be discreet about it.

privatedad1 Wed 12-Oct-16 23:44:00

Apologies Mamaka but that is how sparrow appears. Seems to have this image that men are only with women for sex. That's hardly the case if I've gotten "lucky" 5 times in 3 years and I'm asking how I can help her. I went part time to look after my LO along with my wife on split days as I didn't want to be a Dad who only saw his daughter evening and weekends due to work commitments and I more than pull my weight.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now