Perspective needed on relationship

[GentleOnMyMind]

I have been with boyfriend for a few years, everything going well and we are planning to live together.

The weekend before last he went away with the boys to a festival, they left on Friday and he took his own car as he planned to come home on the Sunday whilst the others were staying til Monday. Anyway, he didn't come home on the Sunday and didn't answer his phone or reply to my text. Ever since I've had a bad feeling.

Sunday just gone, I was tidying up and I picked up what I thought was his old phone to put it away and it lit up when I touched it, it was his current phone, ashamedly I had a look (please don't flame me, this is out of character for me) I can see he met a girl at the event and has been texting her. The messages are quite general, he asked her did she get home safely and stuff. I felt so guilty I put it straight back without checking call log or other messaging apps they could be using.

I should probably add at this point every relationship I have ever had has ended with me being cheated on so maybe I am overthinking this but I was happy for him to go away and wasn't worried at the time, only now. Oh god just writing this makes me think I must be a terrible person as nobody stays with me.

I asked him if he met someone or if anything happened and he just said No I am with you.

What would you think? Please be kind. I feel awful.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Can you get another look at his phone?
Try to ascertain if anything happened?
It could just be someone they met and he was checking all was fine.
If I met a group of blokes they might check on me but doesn't mean anything happened.
The fact he lied about meeting someone is the big issue for me here.
I'd ask him again and tell him to answer very carefully because you don't want anymore lies.
See where that takes you.

[GentleOnMyMind]

Thank you for replying hells bells. I will try and look at the phone again but he usually has it on him as he uses it for work. I feel very guilty looking at his phone, if he hasn't done anything wrong it's a huge violation but I just need to know, I can't go on wondering. I won't see him now til the weekend.

[GentleOnMyMind]

I looked at his phone last night, there is no evidence that anything happened exactly but there are more texts and calls. It looks like they were supposed to meet up last night as she text him what's happening about tonight?

I suspect he didn't meet her last night and saw me instead because he was late finishing work and she doesn't live local, she is two hours away.

[Losingtheplod]

I'm afraid it doesn't sound good. Even if he hasn't actually cheated yet, he is lying to you, and going behind your back. I think in your shoes I'd be unable to trust him, so would not want to carry on with the relationship.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hi all
At the OP's request, we're moving this over to Relationships.

GentleOnMyMind

[hellsbellsmelons]

So they are arranging to meet!
That's not a good sign at all.
Did you speak to him about it all yet?

[GentleOnMyMind]

It reads that way. There wasnt any exact arrangements in the text but seems there has been phone calls. I didn't get to speak to him yet as it was last night when he was asleep I looked at the phone and I had to leave at 5 this morning for work, he was stil asleep.

Thanks again for replying

[leaveittothediva]

It doesn't really matter how you found out. The point is, he is lying to you. He should not be texting to meet any other woman while in a relationship with you. Why on earth do you think your a terrible person?. He's in the wrong, I'd be having a word with him about his behavior, do you really think you can move in with someone who lies to you. You've been with him a few years, if he starts pulling stunts like this it may be time to end it.

[BolshierAryaStark]

Doesn't look good at all, if it's completely innocent he would have spoken to you about her & would certainly mention he was meeting her.
Have it out with him & see where you stand-how you found out doesn't matter.

[GentleOnMyMind]

No I don't think we can move into together, I know this is not a healthy situation, waiting for him to go to sleep so I can check up on him, it's so so wrong. I think it is probably over already but for some reason I feel I need to find out for sure what has happened with this woman because I'll be forever wondering if maybe he didn't cheat and I have made a massive mistake. I don't trust my judgement anymore. Other than this it has been a really good relationship and up until 2 weeks ago I could never have imagined anything like this, we were looking forward to our future together.

I suppose I think there must be something wrong with me because this keeps happening. Being cheated on once or twice by different guys is unfortunate but more than that . . . I don't know maybe it's me. Anyway that sounds very self pitiful and it's not how I am, just a thought. The analysis can wait until I get this current situation sorted.

[talesofthevillage]

OP what a horrible situation for you. Even if he hasn't technically cheated he is working up to it. You should tell him you know everything, without disclosing details, ask him to come clean and see what he says.

Wanting the full picture is understandable so you could wait for an incriminating text or other piece of definite evidence. Take a note of the other person's number even if you do nothing with it.

But really save yourself the hassle and be proactive by forcing him to come clean. I've been there and it's shit

[ImperialBlether]

But how was he texting her if he'd left his phone behind?

[Cocoabutton]

I don't think he did leave the phone behind - he was away two Sunday's ago and the OP found the messages last Sunday, at least that is how I read it.

[bluebeck]

That's awful OP - so sorry but I wouldn't be at all happy with this, I would just finish it and move on

[Msqueen33]

If he's not mentioned it I'd be very suspicious to be honest. Not meaning to sound rude but mentioning being cheated on before maybe you've made bad choices. You're worth more than that and no one deserves it. You need high expectations for yourself. Something is clearly going on with his other woman and if it's all innocent why hasn't he told you?! Hugs

[Kittykat1976]

When you find out he isn't cheating on you I hope you can live with yourself. He would be quite in his rights to dump you at that point anyway. If he was rifling through your phone because a guy had text you would you feel so forgiving. Sounds like you are being stirred up here by untrusting people.

[talesofthevillage]

Sorry I disagree about bad choices. Some of us can't help it if our partners turn out to be devious liars who are very clever at pulling the wool over our eyes. People cheat because (a) they feel entitled to (b) they don't think they will get caught, and its very little to do with low or high expectations on the betrayed partners behalf.
Sorry this may have touched a nerve.

[talesofthevillage]

Kittykat are you for real? Have you ever been cheated on because you don't t seem to have any insight.

[Kittykat1976]

Yes I am for real talesofthevillage. There is no evidence of any cheating. He has txt and had phone calls from a girl. Well if you look through my phone you'll see lots of txt and calls from guys. Thankfully I am able to have friends without my husband assuming I'm having an affair. What tends to go on in these types of thread is what we we used to call at school....Shitstirring.

[talesofthevillage]

He is arranging to meet up with another woman! He is lying to his partner by not saying hey I made a new friend, come and meet her! He is lying to her when she asked him if he met anyone! Cheating is doing things you don't want your partner to know about.

[Kittykat1976]

Cheating is doing things you don't want your partner to know about.

^ curious definition. I think promoting trust and good conversation may have been a better approach rather than the usual 'quick! Empty the joint bank account!!' hysteria that erupts when a man makes a female friend he doesn't immediately ask your approval for. If you act with this level of suspicion I wouldn't blame a guy for telling you very little.

[talesofthevillage]

Actually I had no suspicion my partner was cheating but he was.

And no one said empty the bank account.

She had tried to talk to him but he has denied meeting anyone yet he is arranging to meet another (secret) female? You are the one with a curious definition of what is acceptable in a relationship.

[Kittykat1976]

As I suspected, it's those who have had their fingers burnt encouraging others to mistrust others.
I haven't given a definition. Nor have I suggested this woman is actually a secret.
These sort of assumptions are precisely what I'm talking about.

[pocketsaviour]

I suppose I think there must be something wrong with me because this keeps happening. Being cheated on once or twice by different guys is unfortunate but more than that . . .

Most people get cheated on. Most cheats don't get caught. You're probably just less willing to have the wool pulled over your eyes than a lot of people - or your previous partners have been equally as clueless about covering their tracks.

[talesofthevillage]

Kittykat, , we'll have to agree to disagree although I would say that the fact I and others have been through a similar scenario places us in a position to advise and support the OP, rather than stir up 'mistrust'.

Objectively this woman is a secret - because the partner has chosen not to tell the OP about her. That makes it a secret, you can't get round it any other way.

Op I'm sorry to derail your thread and I wish you all the best in what you decide.