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when is the right time to end things?

8 replies

ErnieAndBernie · 11/10/2016 11:13

I want to split with my husband. I have told a while back in a counselling session that I was done. We don't hate each other or argue but he is controlling with money (along the lines of the money he earns is his after he's paid our bills, I work part time freelance and earn a pittance but can't really work outside the home as childcare is odd hours here and he works away a lot) and I can no longer live in the way he wants to with no shared family finances.
However, life is complicated and so it can't really happen straight away. We currently live abroad and I want to come back with the dc in the summer after the dc finish their respective school years here. Dc1 has a birthday coming up this month, then we have visitorrs flying out to us next month and then it is Christmas.
I am building up to a conversation with H about how we handle things and what the fuck is going to happen next year. And I'm feeling a bit clueless about how to suggest things with the minimum of fallout. I want to do things amicably if we can.
So if we can't feasibly do it before Christmas (at least without devastating 2 kids) but likely aren't moving till July how do I do this? Tell them in the new year that we will be separating but spending 6 months still living in the same house until we can come home and then look at getting divorced once we are back? Or keep it all planned with H but not tell the kids till nearer the time?
WWYD?

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Sharigirl1 · 11/10/2016 11:49

I feel for you, I think depends on the children's ages, fm their older they may guess something is wrong so may be best to tell them, if only small then probably will not notice so you have time to decide, also get some advice re finances and benefits from the cab so you are prepared for when you split, hope this helps.

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ErnieAndBernie · 11/10/2016 12:07

The kids are still fairly small, 4 and nearly 9.
Don't even start on the finances! I'm quietly preparing notes on what I am entitled to and the different ways we can go about divorce (ie most amicable!). H has a bit of an issue with finances and will not discuss 'what he has', it makes him truly uncomfortable. However this uncomfortableness will be exacerbated in a divorce when he needs to divulge what he has and deal with the fact he will actually have to give me some of it. Own. Worst. Enemy. The mortgage is joint, I have a rough idea of pension and salary and possible savings being squirrelled away......

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adora1 · 11/10/2016 12:35

Can't wait for you to get your day in court, men like this make me sick, you have children with them and then they think it's ok to be financially abusive - I bet he's a complete bastard in other ways too so good on you, and he will have to pay what you are entitled to. He's disgusting and I'm glad you are getting away from him.

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Sharigirl1 · 11/10/2016 12:39

It sounds like you are doing all the right things for you and the children, my ds is 8 but I don't think he would pick up in anything between me and dh. The court will ask,him to divulge his earnings and any other money wether he likes it or not.

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SheldonsSpot · 11/10/2016 12:41

Will your DH agree that you can move to another country with the DC?

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SandyY2K · 11/10/2016 13:20

Were you planning on moving back here anyway? If so, then I'd probably not say anything, because with his attitude towards money, he may just make it very difficult.

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ErnieAndBernie · 11/10/2016 13:35

I've given him chances. I've told him the things that bothered me to the point of us having counselling about them. He carried on doing them anyway (and yes adora1 there are additional things he has done) and so he now has been told I'm done.
I sadly think dc1 has picked up on some of it as I've been asked questions about divorce in a round about way. All I've said is sometimes people grow in different ways, and if they want different things from life then yes divorce can be the healthier thing to do. But its always said in a general way ie my opinion on divorce rather than the fact his dad can be a massive dick.
I wish I'd never never agreed to come abroad. It broke my heart at the time to give up my job and leave and now I'm stuck here for bloody ages before I can come home

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ErnieAndBernie · 11/10/2016 13:41

sheldonsspot and sandyy2k I don't think he'd cause a problem with me bringing the kids back. He has suggested it himself previously and we agreed we would only be here for a certain amount of time which will be done then. Plus actually his family would give him serious grief if tried to do that. He is a workaholic who travels frequently and works very long days so would not be able to actually look after them by himself. Whether he would come back permanently as well or whether he would stay here and arrange to work from UK offices on a regular basis would be up for negotiation.