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That old chestnut....My XP and maintenance

(16 Posts)
flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 20:27:50

I know it's been done to death on here, but I just want to get some opinions.

We split when DC was a baby. He was a conrolling abusive bully (long story, won't bore you with the details, have talked about it on here before).To start with we shared care 50/50 . That changed when he did something awful (not illegal, just not acting in DC best interests - don't want to give details as it's identifying). Ended up going to court and I got residence of DC full time. I have supportive family but they live at a distance; some local friends but they are busy people too so limited support. Obviously this impacted on what I could do work wise, especially once DS started school so I had to go down to part time hours. I've tried to advance my career but it hasn't happened - that's down to me, not blaming anyone else but being part time hasn't helped. I don't think I'll ever have a high flying career now (in my early 40s) which makes me sad but that's how it is.

Anyway, since DC living with me full time, I have received a derisory amount of maintenance. XP is self employed (used to be highly paid, left his job so he didn't have to pay anything - tried enforcing maintenance through CSA, it didn't work, case closed several years ago). He is remarried, has a second family and very comfortably off. Several cars, expensive work being done on house. Meanwhile DC and I live from month to month. We are ok, we have a secure home which is more than many people do and have enough to eat. We manage (well, I manage) but it is hard and I'm not a saint, I do feel resentful sometimes.

Here's my question. Is it worth going to the CMEC and opening a new case? I've been advised they have more teeth than CSA but I had so much hassles and stress with the latter...not sure I can bear it again.

Anyway, very grateful for any (and all) advice. Thanks in advance smile

MsVestibule Mon 10-Oct-16 20:39:57

I've had no experience with either body (thank god!) but for the sake of your child, you should give getting a fair amount of maintenance another go.

Does he ever see his child?

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-16 20:41:52

Do you need the tiny amount he gives you? Because chances are he will stop paying that as soon as you put the claim in. If you are sure that he is earning more than he is telling you and that it is going through the books then it is worth it, but if he is paying himself next to nothing but paying his wife loads as an employee or shareholder or even owner of the business then it probably isnt worth it as they will make an award based on what income they can prove he has, even though they and you will know that he is cooking the books.

flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 20:43:32

Thanks MsV. Yes, he sees DC regularly and they stay with him during holidays.

I think with him it's a control thing, he doesn't want to give his money to me.

flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 20:47:49

That's what gives me pause Bogeyface. I could manage without (just) but in all honesty it would make things tougher.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-16 22:06:19

I would love to say "Yes go for it", as I had maintenance trauma too (he nominated his wife to negotiate with the CSA to try and lower the payments which really fucking angered me), but if he is so determined to not pay you as to give up his job, I would be surprised if he hadnt hidden or diverted as much cash as possible in his wifes name to avoid having to pay you.

Sometimes it really isnt worth the hassle, but I hope that you are not keeping his lack of financial support of your child, a secret. If anything might make him pay more it is other people knowing how little he pays and judging him for it.

flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 22:17:58

Yes, I think it's depressingly common.

He's entirely the sort to do just that - and no, I definitely don't keep it a secret. Just thoroughly fed up with it all really.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-16 22:24:30

I dont blame you, I have had years of it until last month when the claim ended as DD is going to Uni. There are a few hundred arrears that he is still kicking off about, he wants to pay it in installments (well, his wife does) of £30 a month! Luckily the deduction of earnings order is still in place so they have taken the lot in one go. The cunts deserve to go short, I have over the bloody years.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-16 22:25:30

Mind you, it could come back to bite him on the arse if it is all in her name, cos if she leaves him then she will have all the money and he will have nothing. Fingers crossed eh....flowers

flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 22:53:40

Ha, now there's a thought! grin

Glad CSA have come through for you with the cash, albeit late in the day.

flippinada Mon 10-Oct-16 22:54:30

And thanks for the flowers.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-16 23:28:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2446176-If-you-negotiated-with-the-CSA-on-behalf-of-your-husband-today-yesterday-because-of-his-arrears-read-this

Here you go. The world is full of arseholes.

Sadly it doesnt look like he is getting his comeuppance anytime soon, but I hope yours gets what he deserves. More flowers x

Freight Mon 10-Oct-16 23:55:39

I was going to post tonight about my own csa/cms nightmare.

Csa were practically useless when it came to getting maintenance from my DS(17)'s dad. When my case was moved to CMS, I could have paid the £20 to keep the case going but decided it wasn't worth it as they are unlikely to ever collect. He's self employed too. Also had three other DC to three other women after I left him and his current gf is also pregnant confused. I've largely let go of that injustice, but I was very bitter in the beginning.

I also have two DD's with XH. Initially he was good at paying but after he met someone, got further and further behind until he wasn't paying anything at all. Out of desperation, I set up a cms case. Twenty quid down, they've made a calculation which he is now disputing and refusing to pay. They give 5 working days before they will start the process of direct pay, at which point they'll deduct 4% of anything he's to pay to me (also 20% extra on top will go to them). This can take two weeks to set up so I'm looking at another few weeks at least before I get anything from him and if his dispute is successful, I'll owe HIM money. WTF?!?!

I lost my job a couple of months ago, I'm struggling with a chronic illness and not finding much luck on the job front. I'm one rent payment away from having to use food banks. He, on the other hand, has a tiny mortgage, lodger income, rental income on a commercial property he owns (cms can't collect on any undeclared income either), drives a company car, and has substantial savings. He hasn't paid me any maintenance since May, doesn't help me with uniform, birthdays, activities, nothing. Everything falls to me. He's got the audacity to didpute the cms amount when he pays nothing for his children. And there's fuck all I can do about it.

It shouldn't have been this way of course. I was given bad legal advice when I first left him but have since found out I have a claim to the marital property (which he lives in) but I can't afford to pay a solicitor to pursue the case.

Oh, and he called our DDs tonight to say he's taking them on holiday for the weekend. I just can't bear the injustice. It's so fucking unfair!

Anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. If I were you op, I would pursue with the cms. It is £20 but at least you have some chance of getting something as they can look into things like lifestyle and income discrepancies apparently. Just don't get your hopes up too much as I've found they're often borderline incompetent unfortunately.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Oct-16 00:01:47

Freight You can self represent on the marital property thing. For a start you need to put a charge on the property so he cant sell without your agreement.

Get yourself over to legal matters, they will really help you with that. Solicitors like you to think that you cant do these things without them, but you really can.

I was surprised at how quickly your claim is, when I was going through the CSA it was usually about 4 months from him not paying to the DOE going through and actually seeing some money, so thats an improvement.

I dont see how his can dispute it if they have calculated him based on his declared income, what is he going to say?! I bet they all fucking dispute it tbh. Fingers crossed for you flowers

flippinada Tue 11-Oct-16 10:15:05

Thanks Bogeyface flowers for you too.

Oh Freight that is just awful. I don't know how these men can live with themselves but obviously they can.

Mine gives DC extravagant presents and holidays etc. He and his wife own an expensive property (bought on the back of money stolen from me) which they are doing up..it's infuriating.

donners312 Tue 11-Oct-16 13:15:52

My ex stole all the family money from us and left me and the children homeless and penniless! Still pays no maintenance.

He doesn't work - doesn't need to got loads of money.

But i opened a case just to annoy him and they keep it open a year so if he does deign to ever go to work again at least i will know.

They really are just scum and it is so depressing that they are the 'father' to your children.

It is all so wrong and unjust!!!

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