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Urgent advice please!! When to tell the kids we're splitting up?(8 Posts)
Trying to be quick so I can get some quick replies! And as honest as possible! And I'm well aware how fake this sounds, but it's true, the depth of the rest is actually much worse
Nutshell as possible - years & years of emotional abuse from my husband of almost 20 years that I've never really loved but felt I couldn't do anything else cos so abused, unloved and unwanted by everyone, no family, no friends, he strangled me the day before our first anniversary, when our first child was 6 months, we planned another which I sadly lost and spent my first mother's day recovering from the op, while dealing with my husband having an affair (which after denying anything and gaslighting etc etc then confessed to it being a kiss, but the damage is approx the same) totally not there for me, split up briefly but got back together cos basically low self esteem due to my shit life and worthlessness. Then talked into another baby which after all this horror I couldn't emotionally cope with (didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, no name for a few days etc!) and I completely shut down, lived on autopilot for near 10 years.
All this preceded by multiple sexual assaults and rapes including childhood sexual abuse by my father. Him becoming seriously ill 3 years ago and me having to care for him broke Pandora's box open and everything changed as it all oozed out and poisoned me. My husband once again let me down when I needed him the most (using abuse etc against me, he's known since two months in) and I knew it was done, but with all the 'stuff' I couldn't. I just broke. I ended up drifting into an unwanted affair which messed me up too, additionally got raped again, completely traumatised.
Husband has said he wanted to be with me, loves me, wants to help me deal with the stuff so I can get to a better place so I can decide if I want to be with him (I've repeatedly said I don't want to cos he's so horrible to me, literally evil depths his sunk to I couldn't imagine anyone was capable of. He's kept me to torture me further) I've spent hours & hours with counsellors for rape, child abuse, domestic abuse, (some of which have even broke the rules and told me I should leave him!!) and on the phone to Samaritans because for years I want to die because of how horrific every aspect of every part of my life is, and always has been. I see no light.
..........Except my kids, the only reason I haven't.
But he uses them against me too. "I'm too mental to have them" (I've been assessed by a psychiatrist, there's nothing wrong except my life and PTSD - Complex PTSD imho...) I've to move out cos I'm not capable and need to sort out what a mess I am etc etc but I'm ok, it's being in this relationship, they're what keep me going, I'm totally functional, always, been conviently groomed to always put on the fake smile I'm sure you've all been on here long enough to know the details of these cookie cutter emotionally abusive, gaslighting Narcissists. Sigh.
Obviously this is plain as day how wrong and horrific this has always been, but I'm never allowed to end it, I've tried so many times As I gain a bit of strength, he metaphorically kicks me down, then sometimes jumps on me too for good measure. I can't bring myself to say how
Last week it changed. Just one last thing of lies & horrendousness, claiming me telling my youngest to not touch me (He poked my nose) was me "refusing hugs, I don't care about the kids" was one step of lying ridiculousness too far. I stopped wearing my wedding ring that day.
I've apploied for a job, I've looked at a house, I want to tell the kids my plan. I'm moving out with them to be 50/50 custody (he changes his mind over this constantly, but I try to be fair cos this seems right, despite the fact I'm almost certain they will want to be with me cos they have no respect for his erratic, OTT shouty parenting, including highlights of saying they can get out the house and should have be adopted. PLEASE don;t hate me for not taking them sooner, I've tried but been unable, sometimes incapable cos been so broken by life, he doesn't do what he does to me in front of them, but I know they have ears, I'm not minimising, just trying to be honest).
I viewed the house yesterday, told him and he went off on one and was apparently really shocked despite me saying I've wanted to leave for years (and been actually told to move out as soon I got back when I was allowed to visit a fellow survivor) and wanted to tell the kids so I can take them to see it so they feel involved and like it's their home too. I wouldn;t want to get it and them not like it. (I even have phoned places including the NSPCC to take advice how on to talk to my kids and what to do, they said plan, then tell them). BUt he prevented me. I wanted to today, so he prevented me. I've actually been on the phone to the domestic advice helpline twice today already.
Help. All I want is to be free from abuse and my kids to be happy.
Should I tell them in an hour when they get home from the club the 3 of them go to? I just feel I can't wait another day, he'll come up with something else. I know the practical stuff, like it's a school night etc etc, but husband goes too far like 'you have to wait til they're off for school holidays' or 'you can phone the school and tell them they'll be off tomorrow' It's all to put me off, keep me and delay me, but obviously my kids come first so I just need some help. There's no right time, there are definitely wrong times, but this isn't one, it's got into being a bit of one cos he's made it be later than I wanted it to be. He's said I'm putting myself first if I tell them until insert arbitrary variable future date which I kind of am a little I suppose, but I need it over, have done forever. But of course I'm ruining their future and should think of their exams etc (erm, next May like!!)
Thanks for not getting blind getting to the end of this!!! xxx
ps = My kids are 11 & 15 and I saved it to the end so you'll defo not miss it in the essay!
I'm so sorry this is so long, but I've edited massively, there's just so many huge pertinent facts. I'm actually 9 weeks into decent counselling (first time for everything!) and so far I've only briefly explained what's happened to me, not even touched the sides yet!
Tell them now before you lose your nerve. You're doing the right thing for them and you. Please stop talking about being fair to your husband, what's he done to deserve any fairness, fuck him.
Tell them now. There will never be a "right" time, and it's always better be truthful. Maybe give the school a heads up in the morning?
What a twat you stbx is. Evil, vile man. Tell the kids as soon as possible. They will probably be releived. good luck
Thank you for replying, and good point! I always put everyone else first, I don't exist, til now!!!
I wanna type loads more of stuff now cos I realise I've basically omitted loads of his bad stuff by saying so much of mine! One thing I will say, today we were discussing stuff about telling them today and he suddenly burst out again with something out of the blue and horrific "fine, you hate me, you're gonna hate me loads more in the future anyway" (I've never said that btw, and he maintains that's not a threat ) then come out with he's "going to get an injunction against my dad seeing the kids (he doesn't and won't) and then is going to the police to report what he did to me" Speechless. His constant evil vindictive irrational behaviour is oddly enough why I don't want to be with him, yet unfathomable to him, it's not the same, whatever little was there he's completely destroyed and poisoned
^that was to define me!
Thanks also to itsall (good tip, thanks) & donald xxx
You know he thinks he's blameless
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