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Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

(426 Posts)
Ohfucks Mon 10-Oct-16 10:53:01

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me
- he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
- over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
- he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
- no sexual pleasure
-he was young & stupid (22yrs)
- his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
- his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.
-he has and would never be alone with dd
- I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

- I only have his word
-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.
- the risk of involving an SO in my family life
- I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

forumdonkey Mon 10-Oct-16 10:56:09

Run a mile

eurochick Mon 10-Oct-16 10:56:45

Protect your daughter and never have any contact with this person again.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 10-Oct-16 10:57:32

You know you need to run for the hills on this one.

There are a million other kind blokes out there who aren't a risk to your daughter.

MaudGonneMad Mon 10-Oct-16 10:58:26

Yes, you're deluded. And he wasn't just 'supporting child abusers'.

TheClacksAreDown Mon 10-Oct-16 10:58:28

Run

PointlessUsername Mon 10-Oct-16 10:58:29

I could not be in a relationship with this man.

Your dd's safety is way more important.

Smellyrose Mon 10-Oct-16 10:59:10

Stop all contact with him immediately.

Mysieveisbroken Mon 10-Oct-16 10:59:11

WTF? No of course you don't see him ever again!

Then get help whether it is via your gp/counsellor/whoever to get help re your current situation, your inability to see how wrong it would be to see him again and to ensure you don't end up in this situation again.

Oh and yes, tell your husband.

forumdonkey Mon 10-Oct-16 10:59:29

He is a risk to your dd. Adhd and autism does not make someone look at children sexually. Do you honestly think he looked once and got caught?

joanne90 Mon 10-Oct-16 10:59:49

Do not contact this man again! As pp have said, there are lots of lovely men out there, plus for really want the hassle of social services?
Dont do it!!

AndNowItsSeven Mon 10-Oct-16 11:00:23

You really need some support re normal relationships. Aside from the paedophile boyfriend it's really not normal to have any boyfriend whilst married.
The NAS and Relate are two helpful organisations.

Ohfucks Mon 10-Oct-16 11:01:34

Thank you, needed to hear this

CalmItKermitt Mon 10-Oct-16 11:01:43

Run. Not worth it.

Bambamrubblesmum Mon 10-Oct-16 11:01:49

If he doesn't fully understand what he did was wrong then how can he be remorseful?

If you are in a long term relationship how will that work given that you cannot leave him alone with your child?

Does the child's father know? I think he has a right to.

3 months is such a short period of time to say you believe it was just a mistake. People who find this out about family members after 30 years cannot categorically say what they will or will not do.

I think you should put your child first and end it.

Any suggestion of risk to my child would be unacceptable in my book.

Whathaveilost Mon 10-Oct-16 11:01:52

You need to ask what to do? Seriously?

Maudlinmaud Mon 10-Oct-16 11:02:59

Get away from him and forget you ever met him. And yes do tell your dh, he has a right to know.

Moojay Mon 10-Oct-16 11:03:07

OP I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
My instant reaction to your post was "get out, get out right now and protect your dd". But I can see that on the flip side of this, he has been honest (in your opinion) and his life has moved on since his offences. Everyone does deserve a second chance, but I really do feel that you're in a vulnerable situation re your marriage ending as it is and I think your judgement may be slightly clouded by the emotions you have surrounding it.
Your H has the right to know, and no doubt will want the relationship to end, possibly why new partner doesn't want him to know.
I think you know in your heart of hearts that this relationship isn't good for you right now, and I personally wouldn't have anyone in my life that had done such a thing, regardless fo whether it was to push boundaries. There will always be doubts as to whether he will feel the need to push boundaries again IMO.

DoinItFine Mon 10-Oct-16 11:03:30

There is no decision yo be made here.

You need to cut contact immediately.

What would you do if you found out your DH was exposing your daughter to a known sex offender and lying to you about it?

This is social services, losing access to your child territory.

LIZS Mon 10-Oct-16 11:03:29

Do you have any MH or other issues? He will never be able to meet or support your family. You on,y have his word/interpretation of his offences and sentencing. And that is even before considering that you are still married. Tbh it all seems very confused and dysfunctional, which will inevitably impact on your dd .

Myusernameismyusername Mon 10-Oct-16 11:03:30

If you don't tell your husband you are colluding with him to keep it a secret.

I honestly have no idea why you would want to take this gigantic risk on someone. The price is just so awful if you are wrong. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to judge you but I think you are utterly insane

eightbluebirds Mon 10-Oct-16 11:05:41

Run. There is no reason to stay, you have no ties to him and no need to be loyal. For your daughters sake and for your future, run! There are other people out there for you.

And if you really want to take some kind of solace here, if he's so kind, perhaps he can find a future with someone else, who doesn't have children.

flanjabelle Mon 10-Oct-16 11:06:28

Cut contact immediately.

Then get some counselling as you clearly have no idea how to keep yourself and your dd safe when it comes to relationships.

WatchingFromTheWings Mon 10-Oct-16 11:06:59

You need to keep yourself and your daughter away from this man. If he's on a register someone will be keeping an eye on him. I suspect he may not even be allowed anywhere near any kids?!? If it gets found out he's had contact with your daughter you'll have Social Services involved. And it'll be worse if it's discovered you knew.

sianihedgehog Mon 10-Oct-16 11:07:28

Is his name Jason by any chance? I ask because I knew a guy whose story was very similar, and actually there was more to it and it was worse.

I'd run a fucking mile.

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