Should I give up?

[undertheduvettent]

My DH works in hospitality and that's how I met him. He's always liked to drink and when we met we would go out quite a bit to nice bars and restaurants.

Fast forward 10 years, a marriage and a baby. We both have a successful career - him still in hospitality and me in a more 9-5 job. Over our relationship we've had many conversations about his lifestyle- he used to go on benders for a couple of days or come in at dawn from work after obviously staying behind and drinking, but thankfully after a number of years of rows about it and me saying it was just not on he stopped doing this and hasn't now for a few years.

We both wanted a baby and after 2 years ttc and a mc we have a beautiful DS. DH rarely goes out and takes our car to work as that removes temptation to drink after work. He's a great dad and looks after our DS 2 days a week while I'm at work.

But he still likes his booze and, if given the opportunity, he drinks far too much. So although it's not often anymore I really hate it when he does go out as it writes off the whole next day and I have to care for our DS while he's recovering (or not home yet). He has slipped up a few times recently and come home steaming after work, which I've then had a talk with him about and he's promised to stop.

He's currently working away and has been for over a week, during which he's been out every night (he posts it on Facebook). Meanwhile I'm at home working and looking after DS. The job finished yesterday and he is due back today but I'm very unwell and rang him yesterday to say I need him back ASAP as I'm not well and I need help with DS. He promised he would be back this morning and that he wouldn't have a big night as then he'll be fresh to care for our son.

Last night he then posted on Facebook that he was out getting drunk.

This morning I'm in bed ill and phoned sick to work while my DM cares for DS. She is also unwell with the same thing but she's slightly better today (D&V).

Am I kidding myself that this is ever going to get better? I wonder whether I should just give up and leave. But I still love him, he's a good DH when he isn't doing this (he does all cooking, shopping for food etc) and DS adores him.

I'm sad and conflicted.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Maybe he needs a career change? Him working all hours is no good if he is drinking away his wages!
Maybe deleting fb would stop him feeling the need to act the big man and telling all in sundry how much of an arse he is being with his family's money? You have been more than a patient. Time to get tough.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I don't know if he is going to change unless he wants to. It sounds like these bad habits are ingrained.
You will just resent him more and more.
Would he go to counselling with you? Perhaps hearing from a 3rd party that he has an unhealthy damaging relationship with alcohol is going to cost him his marriage and family one day might be what he needs to hear.
Does he just say what you want to hear when you talk to him about it?
I would sit him down and tell him how serious this is now, that he is unreliable selfish and childish and you don't know how much longer you can live this way.
Talk to him

[undertheduvettent]

Thanks so much for your replies, I'm so glad to get lovely thoughtful replies rather than just LTB!

You're right about career change being a factor - and we have agreed already that this is definitely needed. Snag is that we live where we are for my job in a career which is sparse on job opportunities elsewhere and he will very measuredly say when we talk about it that he would struggle to find other work where we live. So we would need to move which means me giving up my career.

We made plans to move and we want to start a family business. So maybe I should suggest we focus on with that and hope that it's the key. I do think if he didn't work in that environment he wouldn't do it as when we are together he doesn't drink so much and when he works days he doesn't go out.

Either way I'll talk to him when he gets home. He's always really sad when I talk to him about it because he says he hates letting me down but then he does it again!

Money wise - until recently I had a very expensive hobby and I also do go for dinner etc with friends every couple of weeks so it probably averages out in terms of how much we spend on our own entertainment. He has no hobbies and when not at work normally he's home with us.

[undertheduvettent]

I will suggest that we speak to a 3rd party as I think that might help. He is v shy and doesn't talk to anyone except me really about his feelings.

And yes he does always say what he thinks I want to hear - it's maddening!

[undertheduvettent]

I sent him a screen grab of his Facebook post already to ask was this what he meant by 'not going get drunk'

[Bagina]

I've been in a similar situation and I really think that you need to show some action. He needs to know how serious this is. There's only so much talking you can do. We had a separation and it really worked. But the whole "you can't control it" mantra really helped me. It has to come from him.

How has he reacted to your poorly mum having to come and help his poorly wife cos he's too hungover to get home? Is he ashamed? Embarrassed? I would use this as your "in" today with him. I would be asking him to find somewhere else to stay next time it happens, let him know this, and then act on it. Once there's kids involved it's really depressing.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I don't think LTB is really the answer at this point because this is where you identify 'something is wrong' and you take steps either to fix things or realise you can't.
He has to want to as well and he needs to work on giving into these temptations so easily and not doing any forward thinking. Perhaps he can't do that. But I think he does need action here by you and to really show him that this is the top of the slippery slope to separation of it continues

[Myusernameismyusername]

The worst mistake you could make is letting it go this time because it will lead to a next time, and another. there are no consequences apart from a hangover

[Tarttlet]

He sounds like an alcoholic, tbh. Does he recognise that he has a problem with alcohol and, if he does, will he consider getting help?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Alcoholism is truly a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic either.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet here?.

How many times has he promised that he will stop drinking?. Quite apart from anything else you've had many conversations about this subject over the years and nothing has changed perhaps except the frequency of his drinking bouts. He has got away with telling you what you so want to hear. He is still showing no signs at all of wanting to stop drinking and perhaps will never do so. Currently he has you as one of his enablers (his workplace being another). You are not responsible for him when all is said and done although you likely feel very responsible for him.

Where are the consequences for his actions?.

Does he drink whilst he is caring for his son those two days a week?

How can you state your child adores his dad when he is treating you and in turn he with such disdain?. This man's primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you or anyone else. His next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

Counselling for him will be a wasted effort but I think you could benefit a lot from talking to Al-anon and reading their literature. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped, the best person you can yourself help is you. He does not want your help or support; he hears white noise from you.

You love him but are you really confusing this with your own codependency?.

[Wibblywobblyfoo]

Do you think he is happy to carry on as you are? Because you can't make someone change I'd they don't see a reason to do so.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Do not give up your job, move elsewhere and start a family business with him!!!!

That's a recipe for absolute disaster. It is NOT the solution.

Does he have any ideas of how to solve this problem that do not involve moving away from your family and work? Like, I dunno, therapy or AA?