Partner broken

[user1476085767]

Hey all, Not exactly sure what I'm looking for here..maybe to hear opinions or something but this is the first time I've ever written a problem online, so please be a patient with me. I'll try not to ramble on but I'd need to provide the back story for you all to full understand the situation here.

I've been with my partner (J) for 4 years now, our first year together we worked in the same building. now a few months prior to meeting my partner ,I had a casual relationship with someone (who I then told I did not want to keep what we had going , as I met someone I'd like to try getting to know better and cut all contact). Now there was a colleague at work , lets call them T. I was physical with T on a few occasions at work, the worst instance where I grabbed them by the waist and pulled them closer to me. I had no contact with T outside of work, nor did I have any interest to build up any type of contact or relationship with T.

However there were fellow co workers , one in particular who constantly spoke about how the two of us (myself and T) should get a room together or just general gossip, however I do recognise that I had a significant part to play in me encouraging these co workers to gossip. Now it came to T leaving party, which was held close to the company (to which my partner asked me not to go, as they believed I was going for T), I worked late, sometime later a few friends came over asked me to come with them, in turn I ended up going with them , made a few bad decisions with alcohol (no I don't believe this takes away my responsibility from what happened, I mentioned it for one specific reason ) which led me to not remember the entire night, and telling my partner that I was away from T the entire night, which turned out to be untrue and I had danced with T at least 2 times in the night to which a photo was taken.

Because I did not remember everything initially, my partner feels I'm lieing to them. and Having worked in the building heard all the gossip. My partner believes that I had something for T especially because according to J own words, I had other people throwing themselves at me but I never encouraged anyone expect T advancement. At this point my partner is convinced about their beliefs and the fact that I'm actually telling the truth that I had no romantic or sexual desire for T makes no difference and we are meant to have a discussion about it all soon and this will decide what happens to our relationship.I am definitely a different person than I was when this all happened , however it's not how I am now but what I was like back then, so I don't know what to do, I guess I'm asking what do you all think and any advice on how I should approachthings ?

[hellsbellsmelons]

So.. other than 2 dances did anything else happen with T?
If not then there is not need for a big discussion with J.
If he can't move on from this and needs all the drama then he's really not worth it.
Sorry but you all sound about 15 and this is the grown up world now.
He accepts it as it is or he buggers off.
It's quite simple!
It really is.

[Myusernameismyusername]

It's very muddy ground because he got jealous and asked you not to go, you agreed then did it anyway behind his back and lied about it.

the Ball is likely in J's court now as J will need to work out if you can be trusted or are a dishonest person who has no boundaries at work

Apologise for lying/work out if J's jealousy/insecurity can be over come I suppose. You may have started it innocently but it now makes you look pretty bad

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I was physical with T on a few occasions at work, the worst instance where I grabbed them by the waist and pulled them closer to me. Are you Donald Trump? Where do you work that this is any way acceptable?

[user1476085767]

Aside from the two dances nothing else happened, nor would it have as I never saw T in a sexual way or wanted a relationship from them however it was provocative dancing and because of all the gossip that was at work prior to that just made things worst.

Actually in the beginning I had told my partner that I would be going to the party as one of my colleagues who I was cool with was coming there so I did say I would be going but on the day, I worked really late and had two thoughts about going until my friends came for me and I worked at a bar.

We aren't 15, 26 and 27. I have tried to make an effort since, cut out drinking only time is when I'm out on dinner or a celebration with my partner. Cut out Alot of friends (my own choice, my partner never asked this, I just thought it would make things easier)

Well the talk is to see if we can overcome the insecurity and jealous that I caused but I never actually slept or kissed anyone else however and since leaving that work place and being in a different environment, I have been more professional and applied more of the boundary with Alot of things to avoid the mistake of the past..

[hellsbellsmelons]

Cut out Alot of friends
Would you have cut them out if you weren't with J?
I doubt it.
He's even guilted you into cutting out friends.
Friends will always be there for you. No matter what happens in your life.
They will help you and pick you up when you need it.
i.e. When blokes like T & J and fucked you over.
I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of T at all.
Was he happy when you cut your friends out?
The only way it's OK to do that is if they were getting you to take drugs or something similar!!
Is J worth all this? This will be just the beginning of your life being ruled like this!

[hellsbellsmelons]

That should be that I don't like the sound of J at all!!!
Sounds like a controlling knob-head to me!

[VikingVolva]

So you don't fancy T, but grabbed him/her at work. You encouraged colleagues to gossip about you in a sexual fashion. As it involves your DP's former workplace, s/he has heard about it and is concerned that you are becoming too close.

You also dance with him/her, and are so inebriated you don't remember exactly what you've done. And you were caught out in a lie about how close you were (the dancing).

Yes of course J's doubts are reasonable.

The question is, what are you going to do about this?

Not hitting on people at work would be a good step. As would telling the truth to your DP.

You talk as if this happened a little while ago (being a different person). So what have you done to show J that this is the case, and that you have healthier boundaries in place?

And have you managed to recover your reputation at work?

[pocketsaviour]

Am that this happened 3-4 years ago? Why has it suddenly become an issue now?

[user1476085767]

@viking
I do remember exactly what happened and have spoken to multiple people from there night and apart from the dancing nothing else happened and I left with my friend at the end of the night and went home. I've tried speaking with J About all of this but it's as if I'm speaking to a brick wall, they said they want to understand why, yet I've told them everything that happened.

And it happened about 2 years ago, I have tried to build healthier boundaries, in terms of work and hitting on people I left my old place of work and brought now of my past behaviour into my new place of work, I do not get inebriated, as I said I only drink when I am with my partner now. Cut out everyone of the gender that caused the problem apart from family. And I have tried being more open and honest about everything. But I have been told that it's not how I am now that's the issue as supposedly I'm perfect now but the problem is what happened and I don know what else to do, as if tried sitting down and speaking honestly about things but I feel as if all the want to hear is that I held feelings or this person. . When in fact I had no interest in a future or sex with said person.. So I'm actually exhausted

[hellsbellsmelons]

2 years ago???!!!!
Blimey. J will punish you with this forever more.
Time to move on and away from J.
He's not doing you any favours at all and will bring your self esteem down to the floor if he can.
Get your friends back and get J gone.
You cannot change the past. It's done. If he can't get over it then that's his issue and there's nothing more you can do.
Walk away with your head held high and don't look back.

[SheldonsSpot]

So you'd been letching all over T at work, encouraging gossip about the two of you, and you lied about/conveniently couldn't remember what exactly happened on a work night out? Your colleagues were able to fill J in, along with the help of a photo which proved that the story you told J was - intentionally or not - bullshit.

Sounds to me like J is pretty sure something happened with you and T and she/he can't let it drop. I guess that's what you get for acting like a sleazebag.

When you have this 'talk' that you're due to have, try being honest with J. Never mind all the 'boo hoo I made some bad decisions because of alcohol'.

J wants to understand why you prioritised a night out with T and sliming all over them, above J's feelings. Good luck with trying to explain that.

[Cabrinha]

J is an arsehole.

J tried to stop you going. And J has been holding this over you for two fucking years!

If this happened last night, I'd still be about J wanting you not to go, but I'd be sympathetic to the irritation at you throwing yourself at T and then either lying or being to drunk to remember the truth.

But it was 2 years ago.

J is not having trouble getting over it.
J is using this as a stick to beat you with because he is an arsehole.

[Stormtreader]

Youve made an awful lot of concessions as reparations over something that never even went beyond dancing - no hanging out with that gender, no social drinking, no flirting at work. Youd have been fully within your rights to say "so we danced, get over it!"

If J is still having a go at you over it 2 years later and after all that, I think they are actually never going to let it drop, and you have to think whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this.

[Pipthedog]

I'm not sure I'm allowed to post as a guy but......

Four years ago my wife had an affair. After loads of talking it through I decided that I would try to forgive and forget.

If I wasn't prepared to trust her, what would be the point? If I asked her to change just to appease me, then I've fundamentally changed her. Again what's the point?

This isn't your problem, it's your partners and I suspect your partner in his heart of hearts knows you aren't cheating but is enjoying using it as a stick to beat you or control you.

Nothing happened and you owe him nothing.

Again, sorry if I shouldn't be commenting!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

You post away Pip
Always good to get a male perspective.

[user1476085767]

Very insightful to hear your opinions and thoughts, I have some thinking to do ad then speak to my partner to sort out this mess

[BantyCustards]

2 years?!

It's time to move on - without J

[HuskyLover1]

You are obviously a bloke, but trying to not reveal this.

I was physical with T on a few occasions at work, the worst instance where I grabbed them by the waist and pulled them closer to me

there were fellow co workers , one in particular who constantly spoke about how the two of us (myself and T) should get a room together or just general gossip, however I do recognise that I had a significant part to play in me encouraging these co workers to gossip

Now it came to T leaving party, which was held close to the company (to which my partner asked me not to go, as they believed I was going for T)

made a few bad decisions with alcohol (no I don't believe this takes away my responsibility from what happened, I mentioned it for one specific reason ) which led me to not remember the entire night, and telling my partner that I was away from T the entire night, which turned out to be untrue and I had danced with T at least 2 times in the night to which a photo was taken

SIGH.

Your Partner knew there was gossip at work about you and T. You acknowledge that you have played a part in that. T has a leaving party. Your partner asks you not to go. You go anyway. You get so pissed you can't remember the whole night (convenient). You have at least 2 intimate dances with T. Someone catches this on camera, so you can't lie about it.

You sound like a nightmare to me, and if I was J, I'd be running a mile.

This happened 2 years ago, and I suspect that more crap is still going on, and that's why J is thinking about finishing with you.

Let J find a grown up.

[SheldonsSpot]

I thought this was a bloke from the start too. I feel sorry for J.

[HuskyLover1]

Definitely a bloke.

I've been in J's shoes. Men like this are GRIM.

[rumred]

youve got unfinished business with T, or why the surprise dancing and pics and accidentally ending up at the party? i wouldn't trust you, you're being disingenuous at the least

[user1476085767]

@Husky

I understand your judgement about more crappy going on however that is a far cry from the truth. Initially I did not remember the whole night but I have remembered everything that happened as well as spoke with other people who where there. I've never slept with or kissed another person whilst being in this relationship.

[user1476085767]

@Husky

I have cut alot of people from my life for my partner and never said anything about the mistakes they have made.

[SheldonsSpot]

I've never slept with or kissed another person whilst being in this relationship.

No, just groped your work colleague - so in your head that's ok then.

Utterly grim.

[FoxesSitOnBoxes]

J needs to leave you if this is still bothering then two years later.
As for grabbing someone by the waist and pulling them towards you AT WORK! That is just hideous