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Ooh but he seems so nice!

(15 Posts)
LittleMissUpset Sun 09-Oct-16 18:41:33

I suspect my husband may be a narcissist, at best he lacks empathy and is selfish.

But it's like he is 2 people, and he puts on a show to others.

He is very selfish and can't understand why people help others, i.e. When I do some volunteering work he can't understand why I want to do it, in a cafe I like to put my things back on the tray to help, and if it's in the shop cafe I work in, I take the tray into the back for them. He can't understand why I don't just leave it? Lots of examples like that.

I can't have a simple discussion with him about anything without feeling worse afterwards, it's like he says the opposite of everything I say on purpose (gaslighting)

I've had low self esteem and confidence for a while, got some counseling thinking I was doing something wrong, that's when it started to click, the counsellors all said what I was wanting in a relationship is what anyone would want/deserves. They said I was willing to look at myself constructively and he isn't willing to do the same.

We went to counseling together and he did the looking good to the counselor but turned everything back on me somehow. He even flat out denied one of the things i brought up, not a sorry I don't remember, but catagorically said it didn't happen.

I still keep doubting myself though, as when I've spoken to a few of my friends they all think he's lovely (they don't spend a lot of time with him) he charms everyone.

I know I shouldn't need anyone's validation, but when someone has crushed your spirit so much it's hard not to doubt yourself.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Oct-16 19:13:08

There's only one thing to be done.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FPELc1wEvk

You will note the fearsome beast in this clip also looks cute and harmless. But it isn't.

Seriously, though... he will sap the life out of you if you stick around. It isn't you, and it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.

nicenewdusters Sun 09-Oct-16 20:20:03

It doesn't really matter how many people he appears to be, and that others think he's great, he's obviously making you miserable and destroying your self-confidence.

There are many threads on here about abusive partners - emotional, financial, physical. A common theme is that many of these men are seen as charming by the outside world. Behind closed doors they are choosing to abuse the women they live with. You are behind the door, you know what's happening is wrong. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, as you say they don't live with him.

You don't have to justify why you are unhappy. You can leave simply because you are.

Minikievs Sun 09-Oct-16 20:23:04

nice your final sentence is so powerful and so so true

MrTCakes Sun 09-Oct-16 22:02:57

Great post nice.
Op I was in your situation - everyone thought he was a great guy but it was a different situation behind closed doors. Get yourself out of the situation and you will be able to think more clearly.

ravenmum Sun 09-Oct-16 22:11:08

Your friends might be being polite.

No wonder you are feeling low with him criticising every little thing you do, not taking you seriously.
Once my ex had got used to me being around he was always more enthusiastic about others than about me - he would just forget I existed and put all his energy into impressing other people. It wears you down.

lifeaintblackandwhite Sun 09-Oct-16 22:20:16

i lived with someone like that

lifeaintblackandwhite Sun 09-Oct-16 22:20:51

it is very hard to deal with. i lived with him 26 years

user1475440127 Sun 09-Oct-16 22:37:13

You sound like a lovely compassionate and very normal
human being. Helping others is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of strength, empathy and above all human kindness.
Anyone who questions these simple acts of goodness needs to question why there is a need to see such actions as flaws or weaknesses.
They are clearly not!

LittleMissUpset Sun 09-Oct-16 23:09:54

Thank you everyone

nice very wise words I just need to convince myself smile

CondensedMilkSarnies Sun 09-Oct-16 23:20:23

This is about no one else but you . Your feelings , your self esteem , your happiness .

Whatever the reasons , whatever anyone else says or thinks , it's about how you feel and how you are affected.

You don't have to justify anything to anyone . Xx

HappyAxolotl Sun 09-Oct-16 23:21:46

Every bully that ever existed is nicey-nice to most people. It's how they get away with what they are doing. If they were horrible to everyone people would see what they were and it also keeps their target feeling unable to tell on them because everyone else likes them. Plus they can turn it round on the target and say "you wind me up". Basic crazymaking behaviour.

The charm is a mask and you were the one who got close enough to see what was under it.

Do you know that joint counselling with these types is not recommended as they will try to charm the counsellor and crazymake you. Keep doing the counselling on your own though, it will help.

LittleMissUpset Mon 10-Oct-16 09:27:47

Yes that's true about bullies, I keep making excuses in my head about his behavior and putting it back on me, I need to stop doing that!

user1469076810 Tue 11-Oct-16 07:52:40

You might be surprised by how much people see what is happening.

I was married to publicly very charming man who was often horrible to me in private. When we eventually split up I bumped into a group of acquaintances, not close friends. When they asked where he was and I told them we'd split up, one woman stood up, walked over to me, shook my hand and said 'Congratulations'. It was such a shock to realise people HAD been aware and were thinking 'thank god she's out of this'.

SaggyNaggy Tue 11-Oct-16 08:01:16

You don't have to justify why you are unhappy. You can leave simply because you are.

This.... This.... And this again.

A partner should add to your happiness nd make your life better, not detract from it and make it worse.
Move to Wales, I here there's lots of hills thataway.

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