Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Will this work??(7 Posts)
Ok sorry for what may become a long thread...here goes
So my marriage to my husband in my eyes is dead, he talks to me or my boobs all the time, constantly talking about sex, never ever romantic, likes his porn ALOT!! Is very controlling, this has made me become very unhappy with family life and within myself. I feel very controlled. This has been escalating over the last few years. We have had therapy, came out positive talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. Even my parents dislike him, they just put up with him for my sake,
Anyways he is aware of my unhappiness and blames me for it and says only I can makes myself happy and to stop blaming others, well I thought that people's behaviours can have a long term affect on you if it starts becoming unhappy.
Sooo , my mum lives abroad,she has done so for 6 years. I have been going out there alone, for me time for the past 3 years. We have all been as a family but husband moaned about my mum all the time and it wasn't enjoyeable plus he has managed to turn our kids against my mum so they don't like her. She has her moments but hey we are all human.
So the first year I arrived she introduced me to this beach boy who works on the regular beach she goes on every day ( lucky her) he was very charming my mums speaks the lingo, he said I was beautiful, like they all do that was that. Felt a warm fuzzy feeling that someone actually made that sort of comment even if it was from the beach boy. Have me. Bit of a confidence boost. So that year nothing happened. Just chatted with him in the beach that was all.
Well this year I have just got back, from this holiday an emotional mess, mum and I and a friend went to his beach bar the first night I was there, I'd had a few as the first night and a bit excited, he asked me to go for a drink when he finishes work he remembers me from lst year but to shy to talk to me. I said you are welcome to join us at our table for drinks if you like. So he did. I began to get more drunk so, lol!!! Mum took me home.
The next dAy I couldn't go to that beach as felt embarrassed by my excess drinking. I plucked up the courage to go the next. He came nd sat with me in the beach, asked if I was ok and I apologised for my drunken behaviour. He then asked if we could go for a drink, part of me was shall I the other I can't as I'm married. I eventually agreed just As friends, I made it perfectly clear I am not interested in anything more. He knows I'm married and have children as does he so alarm bells start ringing. I did go for a drink, I stayed sober the whole night he had one or two beers. It transpires we are leading similR life's. He is unhappy with marriage as an i and many many more things. This is getting long enough, At first I did have my barriers up but by the end of the holiday we met up every night, sober, in a quiet bar talking and laughing. He never EvER once tried to get in my pants. Which I very much respected. I then start to get feelings, Holiday came to N end, he asked if he could come up to my mums apartment for a coffee to say goodbye, that made me very sad and feel like I may be leaving something very special behind. We had a little kiss before the transfer bus came, this for some reason felt amazing in my tummy, now I'm back he continues to message me every day the first few days it was like 20 times. Day but now it's still everyday but thankfully not so many of the texts.
Now my dilemma is, do I go take a risk and seek happiness somehow some day with this guy or do I continue to stay in misery for the kids sake in my marriage for the next few years until my two are old enough to fly the nest.
Any helpful advise is very welcome.
If you're unhappy in your marriage and you can't see it being resolved then yes, you should probably leave. But not for some guy you snogged once once on holiday. You don't know him properly at all - a holiday's worth of evening chats isn't knowing someone. Would his wife agree that they're unhappily married? You're just in that heady rush of knowing someone finds you attractive - and that's fair enough, we've all been there. It's good for the self-esteem. But don't make yourself be a fool over it.
I think you need to separate the two issues.
Whether or not it could work with holiday guy, you won't be able to consider this rationally until you address the issues in your marriage.
To me, it sounds like your marriage is over. Sorry. But whatever decision you make about your marriage, don't pin it on hopes of happiness with someone you've just met, who lives in another country, and who is himself married.
I'm sure posters will be along soon with more detailed responses. I hope you find a way through.
Thank you for your reply, yes his wife does know and they are filing for divorce. I totally get what your saying there is no way I'm going to run off to this guy this instance, I just have this feeling it's not like the cliche holiday romance, he is trying to get me to go in November as it's winter so he can spend more time to get to know me, but financially it's not possible this time. He is ok with that Just easier when he doesn't work so much like the summer ahhhhhhh damm these feelings.
"Now my dilemma is, do I go take a risk and seek happiness somehow some day with this guy or do I continue to stay in misery for the kids sake in my marriage for the next few years until my two are old enough to fly the nest".
You do neither. What you do instead is to now divorce your abusive husband and well before your children leave home. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?
What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you so tied for so long?. Therapy, particularly joint therapy was unsurprisingly a complete waste of time. Joint counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and no decent counsellor should have even seen the two of you together.
This other man you met is a red herring and symptomatic of the problems you are experiencing in your own marriage. He saw an opportunity in you and exploited it to his own ends. He is not interested in you really as a person long term.
You really want to teach your children that an abusive and loveless marriage is their norm too, some legacy that is to leave them. Do not keep on doing your bit to do that to them.
"Thank you for your reply, yes his wife does know and they are filing for divorce".
You are such easy pickings currently to be further exploited; how do you know he is filing for divorce?. Is this based purely on what he has told you?.
This man may well see you as an opportunity to exploit and spit out once he is done with you.
End this sham marriage with your H before you embark on any flights of fancy that could take you further into the fire. He is nowhere near ready or able to embark on another relationship and neither are you. An individual like the one you are with can take years to recover from.
Join the discussion
Please login first.