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Tell me about meeting your soulmate after a heartbreaking separation

(13 Posts)
dustybinn Sun 09-Oct-16 12:19:19

Just that really. Just split from someone that I thought I was going to marry. Feeling raw and worried I won't meet anyone else.

Our relationship was difficult and deep down I know it's right that we end it, but I can't imagine meeting anyone else.

Please give me your stories if you met your best friend/soul mate after a sad break up?

Aussiemum78 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:23:00

How long has it been? Don't rush into anything while you are heart broken.

Archedbrowse Sun 09-Oct-16 12:31:18

Oh I've got looooads of examples of this in my family and immediate friendship group.
It always works out better in the long run. Just this week I visited my cousin who is very happy in a newish relationship (6mths). We reminisced about how a year ago she was sitting in a bedroom at a family party with me and my SIL, and she was crying over her ex. SIL who herself had in the past few years come out of a long term relationship (weeks before their wedding) told her she felt the same at the time, but is now much happier in a much better relationship, and she would be too.

And she is.

I have more of these examples.

As PP said, there's no need to rush, just believe that there is a new future for you when you're ready for it (with or without a man).
Allow yourself to be upset, then allow yourself to get back on your feet, then when you're ready put yourself out in the world, and someone will say 'wow' flowers

user1471544305 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:41:17

I think it's about being alone for a while and being with someone for a reason other than a need not to be alone. I'm not sure why people always think they need a partner to feel whole.

dustybinn Sun 09-Oct-16 12:44:26

I don't need a partner to be whole, but I'm at an age now where if I want to have children and a family I can't wait too long.

I don't want to jump into anything, I can't even imagine being with anyone else but I just think it may lift my spirits to hear other people's stories about how things can improve.

I'm feeling really down

Boolovessulley Sun 09-Oct-16 13:03:08

Sorry you are feeling so low op.
After my marriage broke down I never, ever thought that I would find anyone I could trust again.

I did have a 2 year relationship afterwards which I ended. Deep down I knew we were 2 very different people.
I then gave myself time yo work out who I was and what my boundaries were. I enjoyed 'finding myself'.

I read on line that what I needed was the male version of myself, something that neither my exs were.

I have since net the most wonderful man imaginable. He is so like me, I can't believe it.
We share many common values I feel so happy to have met him, there is nothing about him that ha hard work.

Keep yourself happy.
Don't lower your standards.
True love can happen.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 09-Oct-16 13:04:48

I can relate Dusty.

I was in a relationship before I met DH with a man who, in hindsight, was a gigantic arsehole, but at the time I was convinced I had lost 'the one'.

I was about to turn 30 and desperately wanted to marry and have kids.

I decided to do something about it and take my mind off The Arsehole by going on a few dates (through mutual friends and OLD).

The first few were fun but nothing wowed me until I met DH.

A year later we were engaged and a year after that had DS1 and were married.

He drives me insane sometimes (2 kids now grin) but I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else.

There are millions of women who have felt like you do, so don't worry, you are not alone.

When the time is right you will meet someone amazing.

Then you'll have kids and hate each other for a couple of years grin

DoubleCarrick Sun 09-Oct-16 13:08:35

My ex was cheating on me. Found out when he was seriously ill in hospital after an emergency dash to a&e.

I was heartbroken but was determined to pick myself up as I knew the relationship wasn't right.

I had an awesome 6 months dating casually, reconnecting with friends etc. And then in Nov 2013 went on a date with someone I met online. I went home that night and told my housemate that I'd found the man I was going to marry.

We are now indeed married and expecting our first baby in Jan.

He's such an ideal fit for me. A lovely, kind and caring man. Weirdly the breakup is the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though it didn't feel like it at the time and I spent three weeks nursing my ex back to health after his one week stint in hospital, all the time knowing he'd been cheating on me. It was horrific at the time but has worked out well

Boolovessulley Sun 09-Oct-16 13:09:38

Also I was directed to a website from here, sorry o can't remember which one. On there a psychologist said that basically what we are looking for in a partner can be split into 3 categories:
Requirements
Needs
Wants
Wants are things like, I want a blonde, muscular tall man.
Requirements are absolutely essential to the individual I order for them to be happy long term. Eg I require a man who isn't sexist.
Needs fallen in between.

Basically don't compromise on your requirement. However wants are not things which will make a relationship work, we just think they will.
Until this I had always believed that j would only be happy with s tall nab. My new dp isn't tall( he is however taller than me).
It's far more important that he is respectful and intelligent etc than be 6 foot tall.
Hope this helps.

DoubleCarrick Sun 09-Oct-16 13:10:28

Oh, and I forgot to say. Things happened quickly with my husband. We got married a year and a day after our first date and are just coming up to our first wedding anniversary next month so time isn't always a massive problem

ilivehappilyeverafter Sun 09-Oct-16 19:04:41

Broke up with the man I was going to marry earlier this year. I met someone a couple of months ago and he is one of the best things to ever happen to me. He is everything my ex wasn't and i have to pinch myself at times to be sure it is all real. Even if nothing comes of it, I now know for the future I am worthy of being treated like this, and after leaving the last relationship with zero self confidence after everything I was put through I know I'm not the one with the issues. You will get there and it will come when you are not looking for it. Be kind to yourself and take the time to find what makes you happy smile

Famalam13 Sun 09-Oct-16 19:16:02

Was dumped by ex out of the blue. Next day was at work (had just started a new job) and my now DH asked me if I were OK at which point I poured everything out. Turned out he had just been dumped too. Started dating just under two months after that. Moved in together after 10 months together, engaged less than two years after being together, married after 2.5 years together and DS came along after two years of marriage smile

user1475501383 Sun 09-Oct-16 19:58:30

I'm grateful to life and unseen forces that I am lucky enough to be able to tell this story. smile

I separated from XH and moved out nearly 2 years ago. Pretty shortly after I met someone with whom I had so much in common (with regards to interests and work) that I felt he was The One. In retrospect, I was in a vulnerable state as I had only just broken up with XH after nearly a decade together and most importantly our DS.

We embarked on a pretty intense romance for 4 months until I started to get serious doubts about the long-term prospects. This guy, let's call him E, was a loner and very much enjoyed his own company, saying he could not imagine ever living with anyone, and that there was only a 33% chance he would even contemplate having kids in the future.

He had told this from the start but it took 4 months until I realised that our ideas of the future were completely incompatible. I was also missing DS massively as I wasn't seeing him enough because I'd gone along with XH dictating the terms of contact, and I hadn't sought legal advice.

I got really depressed, broke up with E, XH invited me back to the marital home where I lived for 3 months and was able to be in the life-affirming presence of my DS again. I was a proper mother again and me and XH talked a lot about the possibility of us getting back together. He wanted sex all the time but I said no and slept in the spare bedroom. We ended up doing it once as I wanted to give it a go before my final decision to stop flogging a dead horse.

I moved out again and soon me and E were in touch and started a romance again. He then called it quits, twice, based on some completely obscure and minuscule things that had happened. The second time he left me was because my wallet was stolen and he said he could not handle me being so 'chaotic'! I remember telling a friend that if I wanted someone to criticise me I would get back with XH as at least I shared Ds with him, but that this level of pettiness from someone I'm not even living with was unacceptable. I broke off all contact and started looking online etc for new options, having established that I really wanted a loving partnership with someone.

What had happened shortly after getting together with E for the first time, was that I'd made some good friends, and one of them was A - we had a lot in common and kept meeting up to talk about ideas for a joint art project. We became friends and he was there supporting me with my relationship difficulties. He even hinted that 'there are other options available than E' but I said 'You're a really good friend and I just don't want to muddy the waters by getting involved with you'.

However, a fortuitous set of circumstances brought A and me together in a slightly physical sense, and fast forward a year and we are engaged and living together. He is my best friend and I also find him hugely, hugely attractive -- I often say to him 'I don't know how I managed to keep my hands off you when we were just friends!' He is also absolutely perfect with my DS and it is fair to say that without his support what with the custody battle I'm currently in with XH, I really don't know where I would be but I'd imagine it would be a rather grim place, to put it mildly.

He is my world along with DS, and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. Last week we had dinner at the pub where my wallet got stolen last year, and I said to him 'I'm so grateful to that wallet thief, he did me the best favour ever', because if my wallet hadn't been stolen I might still be in an on-again, off-again relationship with someone who clearly could not handle the stresses of everyday life, and it simply would not have worked to live with him and he could not have been there for DS in any role of importance because parenting is full of occasions which are much more stressful than having one's wallet stolen.

Before I got together with A ie DP, I had just come to the realisation that I had been unconsciously looking for a somewhat 'controlling' man and hence, E had not been a million miles from XH at all. I am so relieved that there are good men out there with genuine values. I would encourage you to stay hopeful and perhaps try to work out if you, like me, have been unconsciously attracted to the 'wrong type'. flowers

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