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Husband's inappropriate messaging

(14 Posts)
fassbender Sat 08-Oct-16 09:22:16

Hi all, just looking for some experiences really. Basically I found out that my (D)H has been sending some inappropriate messages to a woman via FB messaging. It is someone who does the same job as him (photographer) and he makes 'jokes' about her sending him some dirty photos, or hoping for a 'snog' when he next sees her. We have been having problems for a couple of years now - I have a chronic progressive illness that has got worse over the past 4 years and this has put in a strain on our relationship and family dynamics (we have 2 kids). I confronted him and he says nothing has happened and it is just banter. I am at home most of the time, as is he, as he works from home, and this woman works in another city, so I am inclined to believe him. But it just feels like such a betrayal from someone who I trusted 100%, makes me feel crap about myself when my self esteem has already recently plummeted. He is obviously unhappy in our relationship, I know most of this is down to my illness but I can't change that no matter how hard I want to (I do do things to try and help like changing my diet etc so I am not just wallowing in self pity). I don't really know what I am asking, just needed to get it out I guess. I have been thinking about separation for a while but it is hard so in so many ways - I worry I would struggle on my own and, deep down, I still love him. I just can't give him the life he wants (what we had in the past) and I spend all my time feeling guilt about it.

WouldRatherHaveCake Sat 08-Oct-16 09:26:24

This is not down to your illness, this is down to your husband being a knob. Please don't let him make you think otherwise.
It's not "banter" either. What was her response?

cheesecadet Sat 08-Oct-16 09:29:38

This isn't banter.

KungFuPandaWorksOut Sat 08-Oct-16 09:32:28

Tell him if it's banter he will have no problem with you doing the same then. And this has nothing to do with your illness, know your worth. He's playing on your emotions due to your illness.

0dfod Sat 08-Oct-16 09:32:56

Your dh has no respect for you and your partnership with him.

He is being unfaithful.

How would he feel if it was you being unfaithful? He would not like it at all would he?

You need to find your line in the sand Op.

ilivehappilyeverafter Sat 08-Oct-16 09:43:03

Take it from someone who has been here already. This is not 'banter', he his telling her what he would like to do with her. He is cheating on an emotional level, totally disrespecting you and your relationship. Your illness has nothing to do with this. I'll eat my hat if there haven't been others he's done this with too.

fassbender Sat 08-Oct-16 09:47:04

Thanks for the replies. Her response was more the 'ha ha' variety, rather than saying something inappropriate back. She is married too.

fassbender Sat 08-Oct-16 09:55:49

She didn't particularly reciprocate but then didn't say to him. 'stop, this is inappropriate and you're making me uncomfortable' either

ilivehappilyeverafter Sat 08-Oct-16 09:56:43

So she hasn't openly encourage it either...he's also sleeze bag too then hmm

BillericayDuckie Sat 08-Oct-16 10:23:39

Oh dear. This is ringing too many bells for me.

My STBXH was having this kind of "banter" online with a girl from another area, which then became him giving her his phone number, which then became phone sex conversations and goodness knows what else. All this when I was having our DD2.

I stuck it out for another few years "for the sake of the children" but could never get over this betrayal. Finally left him 3 years ago and know I am better off without him. True to form, my children tell me he normally has more than one girlfriend on the go and according to friends still regularly appears on casual dating sites.

Only you can decide whether your DH's betrayal is the final straw flowers

SandyY2K Sat 08-Oct-16 17:35:33

It's not banter.

He's fishing and hoping she rises to the bait.

LuluJakey1 Sat 08-Oct-16 21:45:32

Banter is word used to excuse sleazy, sexist, inappropriate 'laddishness'. IMHO it is almost always destructive and hurtful.

Bastard!

Myusernameismyusername Sat 08-Oct-16 22:05:01

I've had married men do this to me and at first I usually don't know what to say but I have got braver with telling them to fuck off from her POV she might not really know what to say if she has work connections with him and could feel uncomfortable to be honest but overall this is him being a giant wanker and nothing to do with your illness. He's being a sleaze and you should not feel guilty about anything

DiegeticMuch Sat 08-Oct-16 23:09:41

He's not loyal. The only reason he hasn't had sex with her is because she hasn't let him. If she'd sent him a dirty photo, he'd have taken it as a green light to start a sexual relationship. He's lacking opportunity, not motivation. This woman is uninterested, but the next one might not be.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. He sounds awful. You don't have to put up with it.

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