Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Messy Head!

(25 Posts)
WoodenTrees Thu 06-Oct-16 22:28:23

So, after much thought I decided I wasn't going to put ds and dd (both adults) through a court appearance. And to be honest, I didn't want to do it to dh either, for the sake of the children and the fact that he really isn't a well man. I negotiated that Mental Health Services would hang on to him and continue to support him and that he wouldn't come to the house.
I hadn't heard anything for six weeks because he'd been bailed to a mental health hostel. I have taken things to his CPN for him, packed him jars of coffee and packets of biscuits and put other things in with his stuff that I thought he would appreciate/find useful. I am suffering from PTSD and a conversion disorder (read an hysterical/emotional physical response to an emotional trauma). Whilst being determined that he wasn't going to come back here, I wanted to make things easy for him. I have MUG written large across my forehead and Doormat across my back. Within half an hour of hearing that I'd dropped the charges he was sending abusive texts about me to our dc. How I had manipulated him for years, humilated him, undermined his treatments and lied.
I know that these are his behaviours, I know that due to his BPD this is the narrative he needs to tell himself to protect himself, but I'm still hurt and distressed that he could say those things about someone who did nothing but try to help him and make his life comfortable for over twenty years.
I'm also a touch embarrassed that I seem to have PTSD and an hysterical problem. I'm a strong person, I thought I'd be fine and I just seem to be bothering the Doctor all the time, and when I'm not I'm maniacally cleaning the house and crying. I can't settle to anything.
Someone tell me that it'll sort, please.
Thank you!

FetchezLaVache Thu 06-Oct-16 22:38:54

Bumping this for you OP. I haven't read the backstory, but you don't sound like a mug at all, just a caring human being. I hope you get the help you need and keep this man at bay. flowers

WoodenTrees Fri 07-Oct-16 18:24:35

Thank you. I took some stuff over to the offices for him today. I didn't add the things I had been adding (coffee, biscuits etc). I asked if they disabused him of the notions, they don't, they listen. He will take this as validation.
Went off to do shopping I needed, cried all the way round the supermarket. It seems pathetic and uncontrollable at the moment. Luckily my son came over and spent the afternoon with me, so felt a bit brighter for a while. I guess it's just a matter of time, but it's shit whilst it lasts, that's for sure.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 07-Oct-16 19:55:37

Can you undrop the charges?

Alibobbob Fri 07-Oct-16 20:13:47

I think you need to put your needs first. Your children are grown ups and your ex has his own issues. He's abusive and will never change (he's proved this by sending abusive texts as soon as you dropped the charges).

Do you have any support in RL?

As Rabbit said can you do this?

Sending you support and cyber hugs x

WoodenTrees Fri 07-Oct-16 23:27:36

Run, I have no idea.
Ali. Unfortunately the ds concerned has had a nervous breakdown due to other factors in his life and whilst willing to go to court, I'm not willing to put him through it, and the dd has just started uni and is struggling. She also has a disability.
I will get the injunction if necessary. I will go to court if he starts again.
Support is starting, the Doctor is seeing me weekly until counselling starts. Unfortunately, it's all the times in between that seem to mess with my head, going over and over things to see where perhaps I went wrong, what I could have done to prevent things escalating to this extent. Re-living discussions that I didn't understand at the time, and still don't because logically they don't make sense, which of course makes it even more confusing. Untwisting the lies from the actual reality. I said on another thread that due to his BPD I have no doubt at all that he 100% believes the reality he has created, it is a scary one and totally unrelated to the reality of the rest of the family - all five of us! Having said that, it still doesn't stop me questioning things. angry

Humblebee1 Sat 08-Oct-16 07:09:09

You sound like you've done your up most. Sometimes we just can't answer everything or solve everyone's problems. Sounds like you could do with drawing a line for yourself and try looking after YOU, which will be for the good of your kids. Hope things get better for you and you find a positive way forward.

Stilltryingtobeme Sat 08-Oct-16 10:33:13

Agree with pp, draw a line and try moving forward looking after you. Please please be kind to yourself. I suffer from ptsd, I consider myself strong but years of abuse will ground down anyone! Do not feel weak!

Alibobbob Sun 09-Oct-16 20:52:10

I'm Sorry OP that is a rally awful situation.

Speak to your solicitor advise the of the reason you dropped the charges and ask if they can be reinstigated (can't think of the right word).

Also, after explaining the situation with your children, ask if they can give a statement which can be submitted into evidence rather than them being in court as it's so stressful.

X

justagirl844 Sun 09-Oct-16 21:10:07

that sounds awful OP. i am a fellow PTSD and abuse survivor so i relate quite a bit even though my abuse was in a different context. it i sgood to meet you

lifeaintblackandwhite Sun 09-Oct-16 22:22:12

WoodenTrees, yet another PTSD survivor here and long time lurker on MN. nice to meet you. i hope it goes well for you and the kids

lifeaintblackandwhite Sun 09-Oct-16 22:23:16

it sounds like a nightmare and i hope something positive can come from it. you and your kids have done well to survive and i applaud you for that

WoodenTrees Sun 09-Oct-16 23:16:19

Thank you for your kindness everyone, it is calming to know that there are people around who empathise and understand. It's not been easy but it will get better (insert determined emoticon) !
My head is full of spaghetti that needs unraveling but you grab one bit and a load more gets dragged a long with it!
Still keeping busy though, the sitting doing nothing frightens me at the moment, which is crazy in itself, I would have liked to sit and do nothing, at least on occasion, whilst he was still here. That however wasn't possible because he didn't do stuff so I had too. Damn!

lifeaintblackandwhite Mon 10-Oct-16 00:38:30

WoodenTrees I find it very hard to sit still these days.

lifeaintblackandwhite Mon 10-Oct-16 00:39:39

WoodenTrees, it will get better. One day you will look back and see how far you have come. I'm struggling majorly at the moment but even now I can see i have come a long way.

keepingonrunning Mon 10-Oct-16 01:40:54

Please phone Women's Aid (0808 2000 247 available all day every day) to ask about courses near where you live for survivors of trauma.
Can you block his number on your phone?
You might find this page on the Out Of The Fog website useful about re-focussing on yourself.
You will likely be mentally very tired. Rest when you can, find ways to still your mind a little, noticing your thoughts passing through like trains. Try something calming like yoga or tai chi. Be very kind to yourself.

WoodenTrees Mon 10-Oct-16 07:50:59

flowers
For everyone here.
Thank you.

keepon
I have a WA key worker who is booking me in for trauma counselling.
I don't need to block his number, he doesn't text me, just sends vile texts to our (vulnerable, but officially adult) children about me. Apparently it's me that has a personality disorder, I'm a narcissist, and I have done nothing but mistreat him for 20 odd years. He used to call my dds lazy cunts and tell the younger one she'd never get off her arse or amount to anything. The older one was apparently selfish. This because they stood up to him, or refused to do as he demanded. A man who has never done the school run, never even got up for it, couldn't even help with the packed lunches,never cooked, cleaned, done the washing, the shopping. Once they hit secondary schools, all meetings were my responsibility, concerts, parents evenings. Created (quietly but we knew) if I went out, so I stopped. Was difficult if people came round, so I stopped. I have apparently had affairs with half of the county, although how this was managed when I don't go out, I'm not sure! told the younger she'd never Frequently. The list goes on. Fortunately the children take little notice, although they are hurt by it and they pass them on to me.

WoodenTrees Mon 10-Oct-16 07:54:04

Apologies, obviously lost my train of though near the bottom there!

LineyReborn Mon 10-Oct-16 08:25:19

I think it's important your adult children stop passing these messages on to you, and the best way to achieve that, for all of you, is for them to block him so they're not receiving his unpleasant train of thought in the first place. None of you deserve this. You ALL need a break from it.

keepingonrunning Mon 10-Oct-16 11:30:53

He's displaying the classic projecting behaviour of a narcissist. Name calling, selfish, personality disordered, mistreatment, having legions of affairs - he is really telling you all about himself.

WoodenTrees Mon 10-Oct-16 12:20:22

Liney You're right, and we'll discuss it.

Keepon You're right too. Except he hasn't had an affair although his fidelity isn't untarnished as such. He hasn't left the house for years. I'm fairly convinced along with the Borderline Personality Disorder he is a Covert Narcissist.

LineyReborn Mon 10-Oct-16 12:23:13

It doesn't really matter what the labels are, if he's Out Of Your Lives. He has no reason and no excuse to be harassing any of you.

You don't need a court order by the way to report him to the police for harassment and for them to take action.

WoodenTrees Mon 10-Oct-16 12:57:50

I'll bear that in mind, Liney, Thank you!

WoodenTrees Tue 11-Oct-16 07:37:48

I really am stupid. Yesterday dd rang, she asked me about various things for him, which I'm organising, but the majority of the phone call was defending myself against things he was saying about me and pointing out that I had done the things he needed me to do. She also told me he was running out of credit on his 'phone. I pointed out that he has more money than me, but she quite fairly pointed out he couldn't get anywhere without help. In the meantime he was (unbeknown to me) texting ds2. Anyway, being me and not wanting him not to be able to converse with his children; I put (can do it remotely) some credit on his 'phone.
Ds 2 was sticking up for me. Ds 2 has an ASC. Ds2 was called a fucking twat by his father for sticking up for his mother. (I had suggested ds2 didn't engage in anything regarding me). Basically I paid for stbxh to abuse ds2. I'm really not coping. I can't get ds2 to block his father. His father is trying to divide and conquer. I know this, I"m not stupid. I've had no sleep again, I can't eat and eating disorder is starting to kick in fully, and I spend my days crying and wondering whether it's easier to just take a load of tablets and booze.Obviously I haven't said anything like this to the children, they know I'm upset, I'm not a robot, but they don't know the extent. I won't do anything, but the only thing stopping me is the fact that he would continue to use and abuse the rest of the family.
This all sounds so dramatic and like him, not me. That's why I hate it.
Sorry, I've been debating writing this since yesterday afternoon, and I needed to just get it out.

WoodenTrees Fri 21-Oct-16 09:43:33

So, yesterday (having continued to try to be kind, bought him a hat because he was cold, made homemade bread for him etc) the police turned up here. They were very kind, but a counter allegation has been made accusing me of domestic abuse, specifically financial. What the fuck did he think would happen to everyone (and the dog) were I arrested, he can't look after them. I've spent the week running around dd2, which involved life changing moves and driving 600 miles in 24 hours. Had to pay expenses, some of which I'll eventually get back, but I'm currently on seventy quid a week, and he of course has offered nothing out of his two hundred and fifty a week. I'm hurt and angry and muddled and don't understand why he did this, although the police inform me it's not uncommon.
Oh, and yes, I did control the money, sort of. I ran the bank account, if he wanted something (he always forgot his card number and didn't like using the internet) I would do it for him. If it was something we couldn't afford, I would say no and he would harass me until he got it. I handed over a specific amount each month. This was just for him. He didn't need to buy clothes, books, music, anything from it. He used to get annoyed because I gave the children more, but he couldn't grasp that they went out, they bought make up, clothes, food when out, bus fares etc from theirs.
Sorry, just getting it out somewhere!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now