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It's over and I'm so sad - how do I detach from the emotions and get things sorted? What do I need to do?

(10 Posts)
Hoppityfuckingvoosh Thu 06-Oct-16 14:21:20

It looks like my 10+ year relationship with DH is done. Nobody else involved, he just doesn't love me anymore. Tried counselling - says he wants things to change but actions don't mirror the words.

I've been pottering along doing the "I'm fine" dance for weeks and it just hit me last night: it's over. It's done. I'm so achingly sad for us. I wanted it to work so badly (we have DS) but I can't make him want or love me. I can't continue to feel this lonely, unwanted and sad.

What happens now? DS will be with me primarily and I want to stay in our house until I can sell it (need to move on). I don't know how DH will afford to rent but I suppose that's not my problem.

What should I do regarding paperwork? We'll need to change bank accounts and split savings; sort the mortgage so it's in my name (is he only entitled to half of the equity up to the date we split or until the date we sell, even if he's not been contributing to the mortgage for x months/years?). Can I only do this once we've divorced? I don't want to wait - I need it to be clean and quick and I think he will be in agreement with this. Is it fine to organise everything while we share the name so that when divorce roles around, there's nothing left to share? Does it work that way?

Can someone give me a list of the things I need to do? He'd never cheat DS out of anything so I don't need to worry about that.

It's so, so, so shit.

My2favboys Thu 06-Oct-16 14:35:59

Can't advise but sending flowers

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 14:36:23

I'm sorry. 💐

Don't do anything or agree to anything until you have had legal advice. First thing to do is to make a solicitor appointment, take as much information as you can, house value, mortgage, bank accounts, savings, earnings, pensions. Don't worry if you don't have all the information, he will be asked to provide it.

I take it you are still living together? Ideally he needs to move out asap, it's hard to move on when you are still living together.

So first job, find a solicitor.

💐

Cabrinha Thu 06-Oct-16 14:53:40

flowers

I disagree with the PP that your husband ideally should move out, and I disagree with you that how he finds the rent money is not your problem.

It's a horrible situation but it does sound from what you've described like it's a no fault situation.

You've been unhappily living together for some time - can you not bear that a bit longer? Sometimes once you've accepted it's over, that's easier.

If you both agree you want to sell the house and buy again, then IMO it's better to stay living together until that's done. Subject to it being a good market in your area, and you emotionally managing it.

I come at it from a practical stance - it will save wasted money on rent when you can least afford it. I also found in my case, 4yo child, it was good to get everything sorted before she was told, so she had minimal disruption - father stayed in marital home, I bought a new home.

Don't do or agree ANYTHING until you've spoken to a solicitor.
How clued up are you on Pension Sharing Orders? If you're thinking "whaaaaat?", that's why you need a solicitor. There's a lot to consider - including your thoughts on fair split of house equity.

FWIW my XH and j didn't argue over the finances at all, and had done all expect the pension transfer long before the divorce Consent Order arrived. We couldn't do the pension because it needed the Decree Absolute.

My top tips:
- stop and breathe, it doesn't all have to be done today
- see a solicitor ASAP
- it's fine to draft your own split (mine was entirely written by me not a solicitor) but you MUST discuss with a solicitor before you propose it
- take care of yourself - time with friends, etc

Good luck flowers

hermione2016 Thu 06-Oct-16 14:55:05

That is so sad.Agree with a solicitor and get the divorce started.Part of the process is financial disclosure and then mediation to agree financial splits.If he's fair then mediation might work well for you both.Important to have legal advice however.

I would also start looking to sell the house. Have you idea of where you want to live?

There is the emotional processing of divorce and the practical processes.The practical helps to move you forward into a new life but often you need allow your emotions to catch up.

It's a tough, tough time but you will get through it and out the other side.

GinBunny Thu 06-Oct-16 15:10:03

So sorry to hear this Hoppity. I'm a month in to my break-up and it is hard. We are starting to get around to splitting stuff and the house goes on the market tomorrow. I agree about getting financial advice although I haven't yet but I don't have DCs to think about. Sending thanks

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Thu 06-Oct-16 15:57:41

I don't want his pension and he won't want mine - that's "individual" money. They're both pretty equal pots so it wouldn't do either of us good anyway.

There won't be any sticky financial stuff. Savings (there's not much) will be 50/50; house sale equity: 50/50 and all debts (except from the mortgage) are in individual names as we've never taken anything out when we've been married.

Do I have to see a solicitor? Can we just sit down, discuss what we'd like to do and, if we agree (which I'm pretty sure we will) just sort it ourselves?

I can't believe I'm here.

Iamdobby63 Thu 06-Oct-16 16:07:17

Do you both earn the same? You might be entitled to more than 50% of the house if DS is primarily with you.

I really would recommend a solicitor.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Oct-16 16:56:07

He'd never cheat DS out of anything so I don't need to worry about that
Ahhhh... bless you!
This won't last!
You have been warned.

Is there a local solicitor who offers a free half hour?
If you are going to be primary carer you could get more than 50% of the house.
Can you afford the mortgage on your own?
Do you earn more than him?
Why hasn't he contributed to the mortgage / bills?
This could also impact how much of a percentage you get.
A solicitor first though.
Then a bank to see if you could take on the mortgage on your own (you will also need to consider you may need to buy him out)
Look on-line to see what he should be paying in child maintenance.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Oct-16 16:56:09

You don't have to have a solicitor make all your decisions for you, but it would be foolish not to have one look over your decision.

I decided what I thought was fair in my split. I detailed all the assets and income and took it along to a solicitor. It was actually overall more than 50% to him, which I was aware of.

The final consent order was exactly what I proposed and he accepted. But I had the reassurance of knowing I hadn't missed anything.

You're buying peace of mind and avoiding any costly mistakes.

I hate to be negative, but divorce and money are both things that can bring out the worst in people.

My XH -despite being a cheat I would never have guessed he would lie over the money, especially given he was getting about 80% of all assets and I voluntarily don't claim maintenance!

When he faked a document - he literally stuck new numbers over a bank letter and photocopied it! - it took all the heat out for me to pay £30 for my solicitor to write and say "sorry, we need the original" instead of me saying "you lying stealing arsehole!"

It takes a lot of emotion out to say "I don't know why solicitor needs 6 months of statements, but she does" etc.

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