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How to describe how OH just behaved?

(53 Posts)
ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 19:25:09

So, we have this ongoing thing about my mother. Bit of background. She is in her late 60's and set in her ways, a bit naive at times and a bit opinionated. She is rather left wing, pacifist and generally a kind soul. She and my OH are polar opposites (but equally opinionated). She has a habit of telling the same stories over again and talking about my dad, her ex, a bit, divorced 15 yrs (no relationship since, not surprisingly as he was a piece of work) and OH finds this unacceptable.
Anyway. He had recently had a moan about her and I disagreed with what he said. Things have been a bit awkward since. He is under a fair bit of stress for other reasons too, so generally a bit of a grump.
I went into the kitchen just now and he offered me a hug and while hugging me said 'I'll give you a hug if you want as you're feeling a bit weird for sticking up for your mum against me'. I was a bit taken aback and pulled away. It really rubbed me up the wrong way, so I said I wasn't . To which he very quickly replied 'oh, I would be'.
I am so tired I just left and went upstairs.
Isn't that a bit of a weird thing to do and say though? Would you class it as goading or passive aggressive? I just don't want a row but feel a bit like he's spoiling for one. He always says I stick up for my family over him. He thinks my sister is rude and controlling and says he doesn't dislike my mum but is often moaning about her. They might have a few faults but I accept them, as they are my family and don't see any faults as a big deal. None of us are perfect.
He's had a very different upbringing from me and has never felt much of a connection to his family and I know this probably colours his view a little.
Is his behaviour in this instance peculiar or am I being over sensitive? Surely you don't hug someone (comforting gesture) and then say something so designed to annoy.
Like I said, I'm v tired (7mth old baby) so can't quite work this out.
Any replies appreciated.

Cary2012 Wed 05-Oct-16 19:28:15

Sounds patronising and entitled to me, I wouldn't like that either OP!

MrsHathaway Wed 05-Oct-16 19:30:17

I think his remark was off, yes. You shouldn't expect to feel guilty for disagreeing with him: that suggests he's never wrong <snort>

Your mum does sound ... boring, I think is the word. Easy for you to tolerate because she's your mum and you love her, but less easy for him.

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 19:31:52

Thanks Cary. Yes you are right, it was kind of patronising. I want to talk to him about it but I know it will just turn into a row and don't have the energy ATM. I was going to write him an email but just didn't know what to say.

TheNaze73 Wed 05-Oct-16 19:32:12

I get his point here but, the way he went about it wasn't very kind

DorotheaHomeAlone Wed 05-Oct-16 19:32:25

God that sounds maddening. You made yourself vulnerable by accepting the affection and then he took the chance to get another mean jab in. Do you think he really believed what he said or was he just goading you?

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 19:41:34

Yes, I understand that Mrs Hathaway. I share a lot of her art/gardening/craft interests, so don't find her boring (despite her repeated stories). I don't expect OH to find her interesting. It does annoy me though when any attribute or view he finds negative in me, is compared to my mother. As in, 'oh? Your mum has some of those ornaments (something he doesn't like) they will be right up your street' or ' oh does your mum think that too (over an opinion I express)'. The response to the second is often 'uh I don't know, I'm not sure we have ever discussed it' or sometimes ' yes we happen to agree on that'.

camena Wed 05-Oct-16 19:42:16

He's had a very different upbringing from me and has never felt much of a connection to his family and I know this probably colours his view a little.

It sounds suspiciously like he sees it as a competition between your family and him for your affection. You might need to explain that you have enough love for both and that him making it into some kind of win/lose scenario where you have to choose sides is very unfair on you.

LunaJuna Wed 05-Oct-16 19:42:25

Is he normally controlling ?
Sounds like he maybe gets jealous of your relationship with your family and wants him to be the centre of your life...
I could be wrong, but it just seems strange....

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 19:42:39

I honestly don't know Dorothea. It's hard to tell.

SaggyNaggy Wed 05-Oct-16 19:45:14

sounds like he expects his opinions to be respected but yours and your mothers to be ignored?

in other words, hes a cockbrain.
smile

FWIW, if anyone moaned about my mum but me then i'd back my mum every time. Mums are for life, OHs come and they can go very easily.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 05-Oct-16 19:46:10

How long have you been together? I see you have a 7 month old, did any of this dislike of your family start of increase during pregnancy?

PalaceResident Wed 05-Oct-16 19:47:15

Your DM sounds lovely "left wing, pacifist and kind soul" you mention your DH is a polar opposite. Hmmmmm, the answer lies there

IsItJustFuck1ngMe Wed 05-Oct-16 19:47:25

Wow. It's like he offered to cuddle a two year old once they'd exhausted themselves with a tantrum. V patronising!

evelynj Wed 05-Oct-16 19:50:50

Goady fucker.

My pil are annoying as are my parents. Low level slagging off is ok if I'm joining in but never big stuff & Id never get upset over pil no matter how boring or annoying they can be at times

LunaJuna Wed 05-Oct-16 19:51:54

Interesting point Palace

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 19:52:28

Camera and LunaJuna, yes. I do think he feels this way. He expects to come first, as my partner, above and beyond my mum and sister. I don't speak to my dad and my brother has never been as close to us. Makes my mum and sis all the more important as the only close family.
His mum is dead and he doesn't speak to any of the rest of his family so I don't think he really understands the bond.
I love them equally but differently and have told him this. He still expects me to agree with/ give him preferential treatment.
I know his mum was emotionally abusive. I think this colours his view, of women in general, a lot.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 05-Oct-16 19:56:47

Abusers try to isolate their victims from their support networks. This may not be obvious when it is happening and usually starts slowly with small incidents to test the water (like suggesting an aspect of your mum's personality is wrong/not normal- to see whether you would agree with him or defend her)

In your shoes I would watch this very fucking closely.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 05-Oct-16 19:57:13

I think you did well to walk away without telling the goady fucker to get fucked tbh.
He does sound jealous & very patronising, not great qualities.

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 20:01:04

I never had a go about his mum. Despite the fact that I think she treated him appalling when he was young.
We have been together 5 yrs and he's always been a bit like this with my family.
He does have his very good points too. He is a brilliant father, hard worker, very clever in his field, motivated and driven. I tend to procrastinate so it's just as well he gets things done. He is generally kind and caring if a little overprotective at times (he's kind of safety conscious). Plus we love each other. I just wish he could see that love and loyalty are not finite things to be given to one person.

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 20:06:42

Lol. He's not abusive.
He is incredibly independent and doesn't have any close friends. He has always been able to take or leave them. I think falling for me shocked him, when we met. To him, baby and I are his whole world and he expects me to feel the same. I do but my world also contains family and a few close friends.

MrsHathaway Wed 05-Oct-16 20:08:33

overprotective at times is commonly used as code for "controlling". Together with your descriptions of his jealousy I think you should consider this a personality flaw and not an endearing feature.

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 20:08:39

Oh and thanks everyone, this helped. I am now going to try to get some sleep before baby wakes again.

ImSoVeryTired Wed 05-Oct-16 20:10:54

Oh no. I don't find it endearing. I put up with it. It pisses me off. I'm sure I have many equally annoying flaws though, procrastination, terrible at housework etc.

GingerbreadLatteToGo Wed 05-Oct-16 20:11:16

When you say '...DH finds this unacceptable' What do you mean exactly? Irritating I'd get, but 'unacceptable'?

Can you describe 'a little over protective at times'?

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