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Incest porn/ sex chat lines- might be a trigger

(14 Posts)
MsUpset Wed 05-Oct-16 09:58:06

This might be a trigger for some people...

So ashamed to be writing this (name changed, regular poster) I don't know what to do and really need impartial advice.

Two weeks ago my partner had a night out with work friends, came home drunk fell asleep on the sofa. When I got up with the baby in the morning he was asleep on the sofa with headphones in and phone in hand. He went to bed but he left his phone downstairs. I don't know why but I checked his phone- he had left his browser open and had lots of incest porn on his phone- sick stuff like brother fucks sister, mum fucks son etc. I also found texts to a girl, nothing that dodgy stuff like 'I had a goodnight', 'let me know you got home safe' but with a kiss on the end of each text- this in not usual for him, he normally just puts kisses in texts to me.

I woke him up and questioned him. He admitted to watching porn lots lately as we haven't had much sex since the baby was born (5 months ago), he said that normal porn had got boring so he had started watching incest porn- he said in no way is he interested in incest in real life, it's disgusting but he liked the taboo.

He said that nothing happened with the girl, the rest of his friends had gone home and it was just the two of them left- when he couldn't find her at the end of the night he wanted to tell her he was leaving and to let him know she was ok- this on its own wouldn't bother me but as the kisses on the end of the text are out of character for him it does- I don't believe he cheated but my gut feeling is that he likes her.

This was two weeks ago, I was still really bothered by it but trying to get over it for the sake of our son. Yesterday I was transferring money from his bank to mine (normal thing for me to do) I saw that his phone bill was huge. I let him know and he said he'd ring the phone company- he apparently spoke to the phone company and they said there were premium rate numbers, he said he denied making them and that they'd investigate. Last night he was telling me this so I asked if he'd checked which numbers they were via his online bill, he looked really startled (rabbit caught in headlights) and then tried to log in but apparently he has forgotten his password and then tried to do a password reset but the link hadn't come through. He looked guilty but I left it to see to the baby.

This morning I was suspicious so I checked his online bill (got access straight away using the password he normally uses for everything) and found lots of calls to sex phone lines going back to February- he claimed he only called a sex line once and didn't know what the rest were ( this has now changed from 'only once' to 'not since August') he says he's really ashamed to have called a sex line in the first place but still protests that the majority of the sex line calls weren't him and its some sort of scam..

I really don't know what to do. If it wasn't for my baby I'd LTB but I don't want to destroy my baby's family, he adores his dad. I love him but don't know if I can get past this-there have been other things which damaged my trust years ago but we managed to work past them but I feel like this might be 'the straw the broke the camels back' and my self esteem is already low.

What to I do? Would you leave and break up a family over this? Try and move forward somehow?

BarbarianMum Wed 05-Oct-16 10:06:54

I couldn't live with somebody I fundamentally couldn't trust and you have so many reasons not to trust this man. Your baby can still have a great relationship with his dad if you split up - if his dad will make the effort and if you are willing. In fact the relationship will likely be stronger in the long term as he won't be torn between loving his dad and watching his dad treat his mother like shit.

adora1 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:08:19

You tell him to go, if you don't you are telling him it's acceptable.

I think he has cheated and I think he's a liar and has been using sex chat lines for a long time; I don't know how you come back from that, what he has done is basically shat all over your relationship so I wouldn't worry about breaking up the family, he's already done that OP, not you.

You can still be a family, you just share the care, thousands of people are doing it, it's achievable and it may just save what's left of your self esteem.

To stay would mean more anguish for you, snooping and checking up, he's not trustworthy OP, it's plain to see.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:10:16

No trust
No relationship
No point.
He has cheated in my mind.
Either physically with the girl from the night out.
But cheated from the sex calls imo.

adora1 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:10:29

Also, the incest he's looking up is completely out of order, he may even be charged if the Police trace him, it's people like this that encourage and cause the demand for exploitation - that in itself should be enough for you to show him the door, he's playing a very dangerous game with the law, do you really want that in your home?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 05-Oct-16 10:13:20

Given that he lies about absolutely everything until you catch him out, how can you believe that nothing happened with the girl?

You can't believe anything he says. His natural position is to lie against all reason.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 05-Oct-16 10:13:32

If you're asking whether the evidence is 'enough' to break up a family, it doesn't need to be, he's a liar, you don't trust, that's more than enough.

The lies would finish me, the revolting 'incest porn' would be the cherry on top.

flowers

DollyBarton Wed 05-Oct-16 10:19:20

I'm sorry but yes, I think you need to leave him. You have said yourself that it's what you would do if it wasn't for your db. Simply put, a relationship that you only stay in for the baby is not one you should be in. There are too many dodgy things with him and they are quite an indication of character. These things don't get better with age. Good luck, be strong, and there is a better future out there for you than the one you are currently looking at.

Iamdobby63 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:27:04

Whilst he may add a kiss to the end of a text to you it's not appropriate that he does it to this woman, who was she and why did he need to find her at the end of the evening?

The rest is really icky, how much porn was he watching for regular porn to become boring?

rumred Wed 05-Oct-16 10:27:46

incest porn? what a vile man. you do know this is utterly despicable and massively concerning? i realise its not child porn but its not many steps away. I think you need advice about getting rid of him smartish. Do you want a child raised by a man with no morals and the potential, possibly, to abuse?

MsUpset Wed 05-Oct-16 10:53:09

Thank you all. I know you're all right and I need to leave, it's just so life changing- since my son was born I've been happier than I've ever been and I thought he was too.

Adora- you're right, I can't have this in my home, it's disgusting!

Anchor & Dobby, again you're both right- I don't think he cheated but I can't know. She's someone he works with, apparently the rest of his colleagues left but he stayed to finish his drink- he thinks she was with her friends who were also out but wasn't sure so wanted to check 'as she's only small' hmmso wanted to know that she was ok and not left on her own..

Rumred, I don't think he'd do anything abusive himself (it was my first thought when I saw the porn too), but watching it is vile enough in itself.

AnyFucker Wed 05-Oct-16 10:57:38

Well, he's a liar and you can't trust anything he says.. so what is left ? sad

adora1 Wed 05-Oct-16 11:05:09

It may not be what you want to do OP but he's has forced your hand and I think you need to act, not like before and brush it under that carpet, there's a huge mound there now that won't go until he does, do not stay for the baby's sake, this is your life and you know from previous history that this is a man that you cannot trust, without trust there really is no relationship there to save.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 05-Oct-16 11:12:14

The flaw in his explanation about wanting to make sure she was safe because she's small and vulnerable is that he put a kiss. If you were really platonically making sure a colleague got home okay, and you don't normally put kisses, you definitely wouldn't start then.

I could believe him if he hadn't. I work with men who'd check I'd got home okay. They wouldn't start putting kisses on those messages. It goes from "checking you're okay", to "checking if your available". It'd be the first thing I noticed. It might be different if I'd already had a physical relationship with those men, or if they always put kisses, but otherwise it makes those specific messages very intimate.

Plus he lied about sex lines, and incest porn, and forgetting his password... and whatever lies he told three years ago. sad

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