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massively confused

(14 Posts)
bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 00:48:37

I have struggled throughout my life with my sexuality I have had relationships with men and women and up until the point I met my DH I was very fluid. I love(d) the man I married he gave me a place to be and be loved and is still my very best friend. After a traumatic birth experience and the whole pressure of a small child my DH and I both suffered from depression and are now just friends...he has admitted that he can't view me sexually and we have both reconciled ourselves to love without sex(for now) I have found this hard but he is my friend and my match and I'm not unhappy.

Before I met my DH I had a stupidly rich sex life, I was a sub, I had open relationships etc... and now I am reflecting on the relationships I had with women - I always enjoyed them, the sex, the friendship, the intensity and I'm wondering whether I am prepared to accept my relationship (no sex for x years) because I don't really want to be with a man long-term...is this crazy? I am not about to March out the door but does anyone think this holds some traction? sorry

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 09:16:48

just me then...

NotTheFordType Wed 05-Oct-16 09:22:36

There is no way on earth I'd accept a celibate life. Why on earth can't you open the relationship and both get your sexual needs fulfilled AND the happy and friendly co-parenting relationship?

Or if that's not going to work for you, then split up while you still like each other and can work together for the benefit of your child, before you become bitter and resentful of each other.

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:31:47

Is there any chance you can have an open relationship within your marriage? Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? I wonder if he's happy to spend the rest of his life sex free too. I'm assuming you're both still fairly young, so a lifetime of celibacy seems quite extreme. Reading through the many posts about sexless relationships, this rarely seems to work out. I know I couldn't cope with no intimacy in my own relationship.

If you can't agree to a suitable arrangement that you're both happy with you should consider separating while you're still good friends and will be able to coparent successfully.

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 10:38:48

I'm not sure I want to walk away, he is a lovely guy and I suspect this might be a bump rather than a permanent thing. I think these posts make me thing that my reaction isn't usual, I am okay with the status quo and respect his right to say 'no not at the moment' perhaps that is the problem ....God I'm odd

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 11:13:46

No you're not odd respecting the way he feels at the moment. I admire your ability to take his comment about not viewing you sexually without enormous hurt. I'm pretty sure I'd be very upset about that, but it doesn't mean your reaction is wrong in any way. Is your little one very young still? Sometimes men find it difficult to separate the wife and lover from the mother, do you think this is why he's not interested in sex right now? I didn't mean you should just up and leave, but you should possibly consider if it ends up being a long term thing that it may cause feelings of rejection and resentment over time.

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 11:59:19

My child is at school - the situation has gone on for years, so it is pretty permanent at the moment. I was hurt by his lack of desire, but I figure that he doesn't have to want me and I can't make him. I think my willingness to accept the situation has become the thing that vexes me most.....

HuskyLover1 Wed 05-Oct-16 16:17:18

He doesn't view you sexually, so you have 3 choices:

1) Lead a celibate life (make no change)
2) Have an open relationship, so you can stay together, but have your needs met.
3) Separate.

It really is that simple. Personally, I'd sit him down and suggest option 2. That may shock him enough to have a re-think. If it doesn't (and he agrees you can sleep with others), well, give that a try.

I think if you do number 2, it will eventually lead to number 3. You will most likely realise what you have been missing, and possible fall for someone else.

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 20:17:00

thank you, genuinely xx

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 20:29:06

Have you managed to get any clarity on this? Do you think you're any closer to working out what you want?

SandyY2K Wed 05-Oct-16 20:39:03

He doesn't view you sexually, but does he view anyone else in a sexual way? Is he happy living this life and being in a sexless marriage forever? He hasn't got any sexual desire?

Cary2012 Wed 05-Oct-16 20:44:43

Are you relieved, deep down, that he's put sex with you on hold, and perhaps your relief scares you, because it suggests that you may be drawn elsewhere?

WiseUpJanetWeiss Wed 05-Oct-16 20:45:33

I don't think you're odd. I think you're a pragmatist. But I also think you have to talk to your DH about how you can both live fulfilled lives. If you're both sexual beings, but just not into each other, chances are one of you will fall in love/lust with someone else and you'll have to deal with your "uncoupling" at a vulnerable time.

I know exactly how difficult this is going to be.

Good luck.

bathmatandbin Wed 05-Oct-16 21:00:45

we both 'fly solo' and I have an extensive collection of toys, I know that he watches porn - but so do I - We have talked it through and I've had therapy. I think we are both resigned for now because we get on, there is still affection, just nothing more. Sometime it's like living with my best friend, which is fun but not perfect.....but what is - why fuck that up for a shag...! Just never expected to life without sex, but maybe I should count my blessings and buy more batteries!!

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