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Lied to end friendship(59 Posts)
Not sure where to put this thread - it's about wanting to get out of a friendship.
I've grown close to a friend I met when our little ones were newborns. I love the fact we can have in-depth chats. However, I've found her behaviour has become quite toxic. Recently I've not looked forward to meeting up with her. She often treats me with disrespect - controlling plans, changing plans, leaving me out and ignoring how this all makes me feel. We had a disagreement over something small and I realised that she is the sort of person who gets very defensive if she thinks you are criticising her. I feel I can't tell her about the things she does that upset me, as she will get defensive (never accepts anything she's done could cause offence/inconvenience others and gets a bit nasty about it).
In short, I've decided I need to get out of the friendship. I started backing out of it by just being less available and telling her I'm busy, however, this seemed to annoy her and worsen her behaviour.
So....I decided to make up the lie that I've just started a new job in accountancy part-time, flexible hours. I said I'm putting my DD is nursery. I thought I could then use the excuse that I'm unavailable due to work. I'm confident I can carry this off as she does not mix with any of my other friends and I plan to see her less and less anyway.
Is that awful??? Complete lie - I do not have a job.
In the past, I told a different close friend about things that she had done that had upset me and it did not go well - we had a big argument about it as she refused to accept that she was in the wrong. We completely fell out and I was left with a horrible feeling, remembering the fall-out. Therefore, I'd just like to slink out of this friendship, with minimal confrontation and perhaps just remain distant aquaintances 'due to work'.
What is wrong with simply telling her what you told us?
I had a very similar situation.
Met when ds's were both a week old.
Very, very close friends for 2.5 years. She became increasing toxic and did and said some horrible things.
I sent her a long email detailing all of them. I wasn't spiteful just honest. I did it for her sake as much as mine, she has a long history of falling out when friends as soon as they get close and I felt it could help her in the future. Boy she let loose at me and said some awful things.
Very glad I was honest to myself for once and it really got her to show her true colours.
Unfortunately she has turned two other good friends against me, i dread to think what lies she's told them but I don't care to find out. If they were that good friends they would have asked me if whatever she has come up with is true.
Even though we were so close the relief to cut her loose was incredible. Friendships can be as abusive and damaging as a loving relationship. Be true to yourself.
It's not about whether it's awful
The main thing is it won't work! She could find out etc.
I get that you don't want to tell the truth because she'll explode and maybe bad mouth you. You need to find a diplomatic way of saying that you aren't a good fit.
I'd tell the truth though tbh.
I wouldn't lie but I also wouldn't tell her the truth. There is no point doing either.... just carry on being evasive. A smaller lie might have been better such as decorating the house or starting a hobby.
Don't discuss it with anyone else.
You'll get caught. You'd lose the moral high ground.
It would actually be much easier to call her out in her behaviour, have an argument about it if necessary and happily flounce off into the distance.
Go on, risk the confrontation- it'll be character building.
I wouldnt make up such a complicated lie. Theres no point and it wont make you feel good to lie that deeply. I also wouldnt confront her directly with a list of 'what shes done'. The thing is people can be very different from you and you make friends with them because you have a circumstance in common but then over time realise that they way they behave and interact is not in line with the way you behave and interact and so the friendship needs to end. Playing the blame game is not a great idea even if you are totally sure that shes an awful bitch who are you actually helping by telling her you think that?
Really its just about being clear and simple. Just say you dont want to continue the friendship. Dont get drawn into drama or a discussion about it, dont get defensive or accusatory just calmly state that you dont have the time in your life for friendship with her right now and you are sorry but wish her all the best. And then dont answer if she calls or communicate with her at all and eventually she will get bored and find a different friend.
The problem is that if you lie and get caught out you are going to look like one of those whackadoos who lie about the work they do to make themselves seem more interesting. Obviously part time accountant isn't quite in the same range as 'I'm in special forces', or 'I work as a dentist during the week but I do missions for MI6 on the weekends' but that would just show the limit of your imagination as opposed to your honesty.
It would probably be better to do a gradual phase out. Never be the one to instigate getting together, never be the one to make the phone call or send the text, be busy with other stuff more and more frequently. It may take a bit longer but it doesn't have the downside.
An alternative might be to volunteer to help with the books of a charity or non-profit for a few hours a week for six months or so. Then you can reasonably truthfully claim that you are busier (even if it only takes you a few hours a month).
Just stop returning her calls op. Cut off contact. If she asks why, then tell her she's not that nice.
Don't lie. Just distance yourself. Unavailable, she will soon get the message. Don't bring others into it.
Don't lie, you will get caught out. Just start being unavailable she will soon get the message
Of course she is annoyed when you lie to her that you are busy to get out of being with her. I'd be hurt by that too. And if she found out you had been pretending to have a job so as to avoid her, she'd be even more hurt and also think you were weird.
If you don't want to be with someone that doesn't mean you have to confront them with all their faults either, though. You don't get on. You are different people. That doesn't make either of you bad.
How about if you just say "we don't seem to have the same interests / views / we both want something different from a friendship" - even if she presses for details still don't list everything you don't like about her. Just say that sorry, but you don't think either of you are benefiting from the friendship.
There is a middle road between making up complicated lies and brutally listing perceived faults. If you can't quite hit the right note and she is still annoyed, well the friendship will be over anyway.
OK, thanks for the advice. I'm worried now that the lie I've told may be too complicated. This is not somethig I have ever done before - I don't usually lie. I might just say the job did not work out when I next see her.
Things is, as we've been so close, it's not something I can just pull out of that easily. She is going to know something is up. That has already started happening. I've had quite sarky text messages (you know people who write things, and you know they are being funny with you, but it's not offensive or blatent enough for you to challenge it and they will just say 'oh you took it the wrong way'). Strangely, whilst being quite mean, I am getting invited to come and have couples dinner, etc. WHY?! I feel like she just wants to remain friends to have someone to torment!
Last time I saw her, at her own home, she got really annoyed with me in front of others because my daughter accidentally knocked over a glass of water that someone else had left on the floor. She spoke to me in a really vile tone.
In the past I have confronted others, but I've learned it does not end well and I just don't want that kind of strife in my life right now.
Do you have mutual friends OP? If so, she might get them on her side when she discovers the lie.
Google the exact meaning of 'friendship' and send it with the explanation that its not you and her therefore you won't be contacting her again.
It's probably better to confront things as they happen. Also to use 'I' messages eg calmly, 'I felt disrespected when you spoke to me badly in front of others about the spilt water'. It doesn't go down well to attack people with ' you ' messages, you did this, you did that.
As for ending the friendship you could say 'i feel disrespected in our friendship ' and go from there. See what happens.
I would send a message saying "this friendship isn't working for me and I don't wish to go into the reasons why".
If you use the right tone, it should say "piss off" without you actually saying it.
Yes we have some joint friends, but we don't meet up with the other girls very often. I will probably bump into her every now and then if we drift apart and I don't want to cause friction in the group.
I don't think she'd discover the lie and tbh I might just say I decided not to take the job now, after reading these posts. Nobody is saying it's an OK idea! I will just say I worked out the travel arrangements/childcare wouldn't work for me. We live in different villages and without making efforts to see each other, I don't think we'd bump into one another, except for the odd group meet-up. All my firends in my village would not have links with her.
If I completely end the friendship, it could be awkward if there is a group meet-up. Hmmmm, my plans to just become less available are not looking very workable though.....
I think avoiding and saying that the job didn't work out if you see her again is the way to go. I don't see any point in being confrontational.
KlkI, Yes I think you are right - avoiding and decided not to take job.
Believe me, I do not shy from confrontation, but knowing her personality I think it would cause bad feeling and could affect my relationships with the few other acquaintances we have. I don't want to feel like we can't be in the same room again, and that's what would happen.
Why can't you become less available though? Just say "Sorry I can't make it"
If she sends you rude text messages just don't reply to them.
You don't have to have a relationship with someone who is unkind to you.
Just stop responding to texts, phone calls and start living your life for yourself. If she gets a bit verbal about it, rinse and repeat.
Ignoring rather than responding or indeed, making up stories that are blatantly untrue isn't very clever o/p. It shows just how much power over you she really has.
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