DH is awful to me when I'm not well

[LittleMrsPollyPocket]

He's never been hugely sympathetic to me if I'm not well but in recent years he's got worse and is actively nasty and unhelpful if I'm not well or am in need of any care or support of any kind.

When I had our youngest child, who is now 5, I was quite ill during the pregnancy and was signed off work and unable to do much. For the whole pregnancy DH was an arse to me and just refused to do anything, so I spent my whole pregnancy living in a tip, trying to wade through treacle every day to do basic things for the kids, with him in a total mood and being outright mean to me most of the time. I then had a severe PPH at the birth and again was unwell for a few weeks afterwards but I got home from hospital to a total tip, and DH refused to do anything to help, not even bring me a glass of water whilst I was breatfeeding.

As I gradually recovered he got nicer to me and gradually went back to normal.

Then a couple of years ago I had a chest infection. Again he refused to do anything at all to help and was awful to me.

Which brings us to now! I have recently had a stressful time with work and family stuff and have been having migraines. Usually I try to recover as quickly as I can and carry on. However I had one about 5 days ago which has, quite honestly, floored me. I have a horrible migraine hangover which has left me very very exhausted and weak, and I am struggling.

DH is, as usual, being a complete arse about it all and won't even engage in any conversations about me feeling unwell. He has stopped doing anything around the house, leaving it all up to me, and is moody and uncommunicative. Last night he was really nasty towards me; snappy and rude for no reason at all, and refused to do anything to help get our youngest to bed or get things ready for today.

I just feel like ending the marriage because of it, but he can't see a problem with his behaviour and thinks that it's acceptable and that I'm in the wrong.

I try to be ill as little as possible, but am I really expecting too much to expect a bit of love and care if I'm unwell?

[DoItTooJulia]

What a prick. You can't live like this forever!

What happens when he's ill?

[myfriendnigel]

What happens as you get older and may need ongoing support?
My exh was like this a bit-he was rubbish if I was ill-but he would at least bring me a cup of tea if I was sick.
Is he phobic about illness or something? Did he lose anyone at a young age after they were sick? I can't think why you wouldn't want to look after your partner if they were sick otherwise..

[myfriendnigel]

What happens as you get older and may need ongoing support?
My exh was like this a bit-he was rubbish if I was ill-but he would at least bring me a cup of tea if I was sick.
Is he phobic about illness or something? Did he lose anyone at a young age after they were sick? I can't think why you wouldn't want to look after your partner if they were sick otherwise..

[myfriendnigel]

What happens as you get older and may need ongoing support?
My exh was like this a bit-he was rubbish if I was ill-but he would at least bring me a cup of tea if I was sick.
Is he phobic about illness or something? Did he lose anyone at a young age after they were sick? I can't think why you wouldn't want to look after your partner if they were sick otherwise..

[myfriendnigel]

What happens as you get older and may need ongoing support?
My exh was like this a bit-he was rubbish if I was ill-but he would at least bring me a cup of tea if I was sick.
Is he phobic about illness or something? Did he lose anyone at a young age after they were sick? I can't think why you wouldn't want to look after your partner if they were sick otherwise..

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

How does he justify this behaviour?
It's actually very cruel.

[treaclesoda]

I would be making plans to end the relationship. What happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

[Myusernameismyusername]

The only other reason aside from being a total dick to you that I can possibly see is that my DD behaves like this and it is because it makes her feel horribly anxious and she doesn't know how else to cope with it. Obviously I am everything to her so when I am ill, she loses all sense of herself and panics. I think she tries to pretend it's not happening . But she's improving with age and learning empathy and sympathy and being more responsible for herself when it is a fully grown man it just ends up making you seem like a huge inconvienence

[tallwivglasses]

What an absolute bastard. Yes, having an ill partner is a pain but you do what has to be done and if you love them surely you offer a bit of tea and sympathy. I assume he never gets Ill?

[sentia]

The fact that you remember his behaviour after your pregnancy and birth so clearly when it was five years ago is pretty telling. If you can't depend on him when things are at their worst and you need support (and we're not talking superman here, a bit of cleaning and cooking isn't hard), then it makes the relationship seem a bit superficial and one-way.

Can you try again to get lines of communication open about it? Feeling unsupported is a massive problem, he needs to take it seriously.

[Happybunny19]

Wow what an arsehole! He didn't even help during pregnancy and awful labour, I have no idea how you tolerate any time in his company. Did he promise to love you in sickness and in health? My dp looked after me and the dcs without complaint while I had severe morning sickness last year, even though he was shattered working full time. I really wouldn't have cope without his help.

Out of interest, what is he like when he's ill? Does he expect sympathy and looking after? If so, do you give him your care? Is he like this when the kids are poorly too or is it just you?

[fuzzywuzzy]

What happens when he's ill?

[acatcalledjohn]

I don't say this very often, but: LTB!

My DP suffers from anxiety and lacks in empathy, which is linked to his anxiety. He also has an insanely high pain threshold, unlike me. However, he does care when I'm genuinely ill. Like you I suffer from migraines and get the lovely shitty migraine hangover. He looks after me, gets me what I need, and is generally helpful. For someone who lacks empathy that's pretty good going.

The fact your DH actively kicks you when you are down (during breast feeding!? What the actual fuck) makes me think he is just a total arse and you and your DC will be much better off without him dragging you down. You're supposed to be a partnership, but instead he acts like a selfish cunt. You don't want your DC to grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour.

[adora1]

That is disgusting, and yes I'd leave too OP, he's supposed to support you now, help you when ill and well, be a partner ffs, I'd not be able to live with someone this cruel.

[sianihedgehog]

What happens when he is unwell, OP? Does he try to power through, or does he moan and sigh and declare himself too miserable for anything at all?

I ask because if you have very different ways of handling illness it can be hard to know what to do. I am very much a "keep going until I drop" type, and find it really difficult to be sympathetic to my DP when he is ill. I feel like it's hugely unfair that he gets to lie down and stop doing anything when I am at work and cooking dinner and so on whenever I get I'll, and I feel really jealous and angry. Do you think your DP might be like that, or is he just a selfish arse?

[SuperFlyHigh]

That's so selfish, in fact beyond selfish.

I'd be having one final talk with him and if he didn't listen or take it on board I'd be making plans to LTB.

Maybe mentioning to him that migraines can be stress induced (hint hint) might bring his mind up to speed with being considerate and caring.

[SuperFlyHigh]

The greatest thing here, is that you're married, maybe see a solicitor to find out where you stand.

Would relate help at all? last gasp solution

[Olympiathequeen]

He sounds a total arse. Unless he is amazingly brilliant, helps out and is a perfect partner the rest of the time, I would have a serious talk and ask him to leave.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

He sounds really horrible but I suspect you will say 'he is a good dad blah blah '

[Gymnopedies]

As I understand it, he is not only unsupportive/unhelpful but he also stops any of his chores and his actively putting you down. Is he trying to punish you for being sick? Do you perhaps stop giving him something you usually give him?

Whatever the reason, you can't live like that. You would be better off without him.

[alphabook]

What a prick. Whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"? You're not being ill on purpose, partners are supposed to support each other through the difficult times. What would happen if you had a chronic illness or disability, especially as you get older?

What's he like when he's ill?

[greedygorb]

My DH does this as well. He is awful. Every single time. People excuse it saying he's just not good round illness. But then he wasn't good when we had DS and he turned out to be one of those non sleeping hyper babies that reduce me to a wreck with lack of sleep. He was unhelpful and actively horrible. He wasn't good when my Dad died. Every crisis he made me feel worse.
Fine when everythings good- but I can't rely on him when things go wrong. We are still living together but are basically separated. This is one of the main reasons as it wears away any respect I have for him. It took me 20 years to see that this was never going to change.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

You 'try' not to get ill often because he's such an arse when you do? That's so depressing.

Please don't live with this, and let your kids grow up seeing it.

[greedygorb]

An example of DH is that I was out in the garden 3 weeks ago and went over on my ankle as I was running. Thought I'd broken it the noise of the ligaments going was so awful. Couldn't get up and was faint and sick- DS saw me and went to tell DH. DH left me there for 15 minutes until he was finished what he was doing. Then left me on the sofa shivering with cold for an hour as I was shocked and wet from the grass- until he'd finished his dinner. My 8 year old had to help me. He refused to take me to A & E either then or the next day. It was bad ligament damage and I was on crutches for 2 weeks and he didn't help do anything. He thinks I was being overdramatic apparently and not helping me is normal.