Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband and son had a fight

(159 Posts)
TinkerMaloo Mon 03-Oct-16 23:10:27

My 12 year old son was arguing with my husband (not his father) and got right up in his face, over him on the sofa with fists clenched, and swearing at him loudly.
My husband lost it and jumped up grabbing my son and pushed him up against the door shouting and swearing at him, telling him this is what you get etc. ... Then he shoved him down on the ground. (By this time I was screaming at him to leave him alone) He then picked him up and pushed him over to the other sofa where he (what he calls) restrained him and screamed at ds to hit him, over and over til ds did take a (pathetic weak) swing at him. He then grabbed ds and threw him down on the rug, sat on him, and started pressing down on the side of his head with his forearm. All the while I was screaming at him to stop, that he was the grown man, and my son is just a child.

At the point where he started to squash ds head into the ground with his forearm I hit him several times round the head to stop him.

He says they had a fight. I don't think a 50 year old man can 'fight' a 12 year old boy even if he is taller than him. He's weak as a kitten and no threat to a grown man.
He says he would have stopped then regardless that I hit him.

Husband has gone to stay with his mother at my request, all the children want him back because this is totally (mostly) out of character but I can't...

I warned him 6/7 years ago (when he pushed the same 5 year old ds over and a separate incident where he 'restrained' me to stop me from walking away from him) I wouldn't put up with any sort of violence or using strength to gain control in my home. And this is unforgivable. That was his one chance years ago and it has been years... But he doesn't get another. He says I'm destroying the family. This is shit because he is mostly lovely and I don't know what the fuck I actually witnessed sad.

No damage was actually done physically, this is his defence.

LivinOnAChair Mon 03-Oct-16 23:15:44

OP, you say this is out of character but Jesus Christ! You need to protect your son, if you saw this happening in the street you'd contact the police would you not? It's absolutely unacceptable.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 03-Oct-16 23:16:19

How awful for ds and you flowers
I think you've done the right things so far.
You must all be shocked.

*Not very helpful but couldn't read and run.

dietstartsmonday Mon 03-Oct-16 23:17:15

You have done the right thing. It's unacceptable and your job to protect your son.

How is your son now?

TinkerMaloo Mon 03-Oct-16 23:17:30

It is unacceptable sad

LegoStarWars Mon 03-Oct-16 23:18:52

He is the one who's destroyed the family. Your reaction to his unacceptable behaviour is not what's caused the problem.

TinkerMaloo Mon 03-Oct-16 23:19:22

Son is fine, husband apologised the next morning and son wants him to stay.
I made it clear enough long enough ago that it's not ok for me. I was raised in a violent household. He knew the score sad

pennygoodlife Mon 03-Oct-16 23:20:09

God that is truly a terrible thing to have done. You have to stick by your ds. Who knows what will happen next. Your poor little boy, because that s what he is a little boy still. Your DH lost it completely. Good luck you need to be brave and do the right thing.

LivinOnAChair Mon 03-Oct-16 23:22:11

Also if your DS decides to confide in someone outside of the household chances are it will be out of your hands anyway sad what a horrible situation for you.
I lived with a horrible abusive step parent for years and it only got worse, how is your DS now? Are you sure there's no physical damage and he's not just being brave? You've done absolutely the right thing by removing your H from the house.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 03-Oct-16 23:23:10

Oh Tinker I'm sorry. But yes, he's blown it. I understand and completely agree, he doesn't get another chance, your kids will understand in time that you had to draw that line.

It's still shit for you all though, stupid man flowers

NoCapes Mon 03-Oct-16 23:24:34

Holy shit
This wasn't a fight, your DH beat your DS up
You have to protect your son and your other DC, no matter what they say, you know best here
flowers for you, can't imagine how you're feeling right now

AnyFucker Mon 03-Oct-16 23:25:29

Well, it's not "out of character" for him at all, because you have described at minimum 2 other occasions of domestic violence perpetrated by him

No point giving him an ultimatum if you don't mean it. Children will do almost anything to jeep the status quo...they are very change averse. But this is not your son's decision to make

I hope you step up and put an bed to this now

TinkerMaloo Mon 03-Oct-16 23:25:40

but when all the kids want him to stay, and he's telling them that it's my choice whether he stays or goes...

He says we can work through this and get counselling... I'm pretty sure I can't be counselled through it though.
All trust (and faith in my own judgement) is gone...

AnyFucker Mon 03-Oct-16 23:25:45

* an end

PickAChew Mon 03-Oct-16 23:26:49

God, there's times when I'll admit I could cheerfully thump my 12yo, but no, just no.

Chucking him out is the best thing you could have done. I'm doubtful that could be anything but permanent, though.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Oct-16 23:26:54

Your last post says you are wavering. Not good. You need to protect your son.

TinkerMaloo Mon 03-Oct-16 23:27:35

I just needed to hear some people tell me I'm doing the right thing. All I have is my family telling me that I'm not...

Brokenbiscuit Mon 03-Oct-16 23:27:36

Oh gosh, OP. You poor thing, and your poor, poor ds. It doesn't matter what your ds did, though obviously, his behaviour was wrong. The fact is, as you said in your OP, a 12 year old boy really is just a kid, and your husband is a grown man. What you describe wasn't a fight, but child abuse. I'm so sorry.

From what you say, it's not the first time he has laid his hands on your son. Who would push a 5 year old ffs! It might have been several years since it happened last time, but who is to say that it won't happen again. What if you're ds does something to upset him in the future? He obviously isn't able to control his temper.

It's really tough if he isn't normally like this, but you owe it to your kids to keep them safe. You cannot teach them that violence like this is acceptable. You have to walk away.

Be strong.flowers

garlicandsapphire Mon 03-Oct-16 23:27:49

His instinctive reactions are over violent and use of excessive force - he has no control. Keep him gone - for the sake of your DCs. Not a safe man to have around.

stitchglitched Mon 03-Oct-16 23:28:16

He shouldn't have been given another chance after assaulting your then 5 year old. I hope it is made very clear to the children that it is your choice so that your poor son doesn't end up blaming himself.

LivinOnAChair Mon 03-Oct-16 23:29:41

Stick to your guns, better a 'broken family' than abuse that goes on for years and years. If he knows he's gotten away with it this time what's to stop him doing it again? Teenagers only get more angsty and the disagreements will get more frequent and what's your H's reactions going to involve then? My teenage years were miserable for this reason, DM wishes she had got rid of him years before she did...

PickAChew Mon 03-Oct-16 23:30:06

but when all the kids want him to stay, and he's telling them that it's my choice whether he stays or goes...

Then he's being a manipulative fucker. And you're being a good mum to them by protecting them from the likelihood of being the next child to be pummelled by this particular grown man.

Brokenbiscuit Mon 03-Oct-16 23:30:36

Your not you're

AnyFucker Mon 03-Oct-16 23:32:16

Be the grown up here, op

Your husband battered your son who is just a kid

What would you say to someone else who allowed a man like that near her kids ?

paddlenorapaddle Mon 03-Oct-16 23:32:37

If you're worried call the local DV unit and ask them what they think you know your own mind and you know what you saw

Your children will thank you for setting the boundary so clearly someone who loves you does not lay hands on you ever. What if your son had suffocated with his face pushed into the carpet or hurt himself badly his neck for instance we could all be reading about this in the paper and you would have lost your boy that's what you remind yourself of when you waver

Well done for having the courage of your convictions

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now