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Losing the plot(9 Posts)
NC for this.
I've recently split up from my husband of 18 years. It was my decision, and it is the right decision, but I feel slightly like I am losing the plot.
A lot of this is probably down to my very poor sleep. I am waking up loads at night; sometimes hearing noises and being worried someone is in the house, sometimes it'll be a bad dream that wakes me (the recurrent one is along the theme that I have abandoned my children and they are lost and looking for me), sometimes there is no reason but I am just awake and it takes ages to get back to sleep. I probably spend about 7 hours a night in bed but am waking at least a couple of times, and short of medicating myself I'm not sure what to do to make it any better. I'm already limiting screens before bed, drinking camomile tea, having a warm bath etc but it's not helping.
Yesterday, I kissed 2 people. One is an ex boyfriend, and the other is in a relationship. I'm not sure even why I did it (it was during the day, not even as if I was drunk!), other than thinking that it was a bit outrageous. Not one of my best decisions ever. The one who is in a relationship is way closer than he should be, and I know that I should tell him where to go but somehow I am still seeking validation of myself from men, and I'm pissed off with myself for allowing that to happen when I know that I need to be single and get my head straight.
The kids are with STBXH some of the time and whilst I miss them when they aren't with me, I am also filling my time and doing stuff for me that I haven't done for years, which I'm enjoying. So then I'm also feeling guilty that I am not missing them as much as I should.
This is such a rambling post, but a fairly accurate reflection of what is going on inside my head! I was having counselling but stopped because I can't afford it now we've split. We haven't sorted out the finances so I'm a bit stuck with very little money and a very part time job.
Hi, I think you've already got good insight into some of your problems - e.g. seeking validation from men - and you know that you would benefit from better sleep (wouldn't we all?!)
I think you should address the sleep with your GP. This might lead to all sorts of positives. If you mention the counselling you may be offered six free sessions. Then you can promise yourself to get some more privately when your finances are sorted out.
My sleep pattern is rubbish so I do occasionally use a very small amount of medication, which has been such a relief to have available.
Thanks Liney, contacting the GP is a good plan and I'm going to ring them this morning. Is the medication you have something that your GP has prescribed? I'll ask about counselling as well. I'm hoping that things will settle over time, but getting some support just now would be a good thing.
I was prescribed amitriptyline. The dose for 'sleeping assistance' is tiny - 5mg or 10mg. I only use it occasionally where I know I need to sleep a straight 7 hours because I'm exhausted.
It can also be used in higher doses for pain relief and depression but I don't know a lot about that.
I've also had amitriptyline for cluster headaches in the same tiny dose and it does help you sleep better i.e. it relaxes you down without knocking you out.
Splitting up a marriage particularly with children involved is like throwing all your thoughts about yourself and your feelings up in the air and over time they come fluttering back down again so this its normal to have the anxious dreams about your children etc.
It's also normal to feel guilty about enjoying the time away from your children - when you do remind yourself your children are 50% yours and 50% your exh - you are equal parents and you both deserve lives that encompass all things that make you happy including raising your children. Yes the guilt will always be with you to some degree but you're a mother, it's nature's way for you to protect your children from harm (and in this case the perceived 'harm' of being out of sight from you. They are ok. And if they weren't you'd be there wouldn't you? So relax and take the time to enjoy being you as you are doing.
Its also entirely normal to test your desirability once again - as unless you left your husband to live a life of celibacy you are probably thinking at some point you will be with someone else. Just don't test it out with people who are attached - ever - if you're a morally nice person this will never sit right with you and will make you feel worse about yourself in the long run.
For 18 years you've been a wife, now you're a free spirit, test your wings but don't just roost any old place
I had a few disconcerting 'events' when my ex left. There was one occasion when I felt him get in to bed next to me. I think it's just a kind of habit/expectation after so many years together.
In terms of not being able to sleep have you tried listening to a sleep meditation? There's plenty on YouTube.
Les - thank you, that was such a lovely post to read. I think because I feel that in my head I left the relationship about 2 years ago, I forget sometimes that this is such a huge period of readjustment for us all and it's ok to sometimes not be ok about it.
RedMaple - yes I've done some headspace stuff and that helps get me off to sleep, but it's the waking in the night that is the problem. I haven't tried using the meditation when I wake though so I'll give that a try too. Fingers crossed I slept really well the last 2 nights (for no apparent reason!) so maybe things are on the up...
Liney - I have tried amitriptyline as an antidepressant in the past and couldn't tolerate the nausea, but that was a higher dose so maybe would be ok in smaller doses. I'll bear it in mind if things don't continue to improve. You don't take it every day then?
OP, Yes I just take it occasionally. So in September, maybe twice? When I was craving a proper night's sleep. Just 5mg seems to work.
You sound very much like me after my marriage broke down. I made a lot of mistakes, and did things that I regretted, but every little thing told me something about myself, and what I did and didn't want in my life, and helped me find my way back to myself after I was so lost in the relationship.
I also sought validation, and I think a large part of it was that I was being myself, and being found attractive, whereas my H seemed to find me more attractive the more I lost who I actually was and became someone else, so to have someone confirm that I was attractive when I was myself actually did help in a way, like I wasn't unlovable!
I had therapy and began to realise that I did like myself and didn't have to change for anyone.
I also felt massive guilt over not being with DC, or enjoying time away from them, but I came to understand that being able to do things for myself made me a happier person, and a better parent, and that that was okay. I wasn't being selfish and I have, and have always had, a great relationship with DC. I know we do miss each other, but it's okay to miss them but not be incapacitated by it, and get on with your day to day life between seeing them, and you can enjoy yourself. They are unlikely to spend the whole time away from you being sad, and wouldn't want you to either.
It just takes time.
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