I've been sneaking on this message board for a while and am liking it, I hope you could give me advice and opinions on this...
The beginning 'sticky' post is brilliant where it says the only amount of abuse that is acceptable is 0%. But there is one thing that has not happened in my case. It says 'no your kids won't be taken from you'. But mine has been taken away by XH, at least for the time being.
It's a long story but I'll try to be as brief as I can without leaving out too much important detail...
2 years ago I moved out because of constant disagreements with XH. He was the 'domineering' type and found it hard to accept my imperfections, so it was an ever-increasing amount of criticism, escalating to verbal and sometimes physical abuse. At the same time, he presented as TheWorld'sBestDadTM and TheWorld'sBestHusbandTM and I doubted myself for years when I wanted to leave because my family adored him, as well as our DS, and also, he was so super nice to me sometimes.
He always told me that if we ever broke up, he would refuse to move, as it was his deposit in the house. We were abroad with DS (now 9) and got into another conflict and he refused to let me on the plane, so I stayed behind and flew back to UK the next day. I moved out then.
XH also always told me that if we break up, "I will take DS and use your mental health records against you". I am on antidepressants and I also have a diagnosed learning disability similar to Dyspraxia.
I moved back 6 months later, for a 3 month period, as I was so depressed I wasn't getting proper access to DS. Everyone told me not to get a lawyer - XH and my family - so I wanted to see if we could live together as a family again. However, it didn't work out, I moved out again and we stayed friendly.
However, I still wasn't seeing DS enough - I only had him over half a weekend and also one night during the week when I 'babysat' for XH at the old marital home.
Things rapidly got worse when I found a new man. On one of the conflict occasions I expressed that I wanted to have our son overnight during the week at mine, as obviously (because of the conflict) it was no longer viable for me to 'babysit' at the old marital home. XH was walking away from my flat then but turned back and busted his way in, and in front of DS and new partner XH started pushing me and threatening to take pics of the state of my flat for social services. (It was a bit messy as I was packing up due to an impending move etc.)
Long story short, I called the police and XH from then on stopped me seeing DS AT ALL without 'supervision'. I started court proceedings but progress has been slow. For an agonising three-four months I could not see DS for more than 2 hours a week at a mutual friend for a playdate. Mother's day I spent 1 hour at a local shopping mall cafe with my son and XH!!!
Then XH agreed by consent for me to see DS overnight one night a week without supervision. The court has not taken a stance yet AT ALL because of several bureaucratic issues delaying the process. Social services have been involved and so far they have said to me that they have no concerns regarding my parenting and that all restrictions imposed come from XH only.
We are due to have the first official report published in a few weeks as we're also going to court again then. I am nervous - my parenting will be judged based on an 1 hr long meeting with me and DS.
One silver lining has been that I got a good report from my GP stating that my medication and mental conditions should pose no risk to my parenting. I cannot stress enough what a relief it was to have someone say I'm sane enough o look after DS! Especially as I believe XH's behaviours fall a lot under 'gaslighting'.
Things that worry me include:
DS says he wants to only spend one night a week with me, XH has been parrotting this from the start. I used to look after him full time and then later on more like 60% when XH went freelance. I don't understand why suddenly my own DS does not want to see me more, and I don't know what it is that XH has done for it to get to this point.
DS has got a legal guardian so his voice will be heard in court through that. I worry it will actually be XH's voice that gets heard through DS.
XH lies a lot in his statements, I have tried to point these out in my responses to his (as I do have proof that some/many of them are lies), but the Judge has not yet had time to go through any of them properly, and I worry that XH will get his way as he is so determined to erase me from DS's life.
XH is a very charming man, and I worry the social worker / legal guardian falls under his charm. XH has successfully mobilised his whole family and many of our mutual friends to give written statements against me and my parenting. (Obviously the mutual friends are not my friends anymore after this!) He is very good at people skills and he also lies (which shows in the statements written by former mutual friends) that I am applying for sole custody when in fact he is. I am only applying to co-parent on the 50-50 principle, shared care. Like we always used to do when we lived together!
This has been a miserable experience and I doubt I would have made it this far if I didn't have my new partner by my side, as well as my family's support and their money to pay for my legal representation.
Any comments are much appreciated. Honesty too, especially that. I feel guilty - what kind of a mum does not live with their child??!! Have I failed my DS? Where did I go wrong??
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ExH applying for sole custody - I'm miserable
115 replies
user1475501383 · 03/10/2016 15:03
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